Archive for May, 2008

Yet another “Worst Movie Ever Made” is about to be made.

Airplane, Spaceballs, The Naked Gun, Blazing Saddles, Hot Shots, Scary Movie, Young Frankenstein, Monty Python and the Holy Grail – for as long as I remember, the spoof genre has always been one of my favorites. The formula is simple – you take an existing movie or genre, and you re-imagine it as a comedy where the rules of logic and physics no longer apply. When you’re re-writing something that’s already been written, there should be no limit to what can come out of your imagination.

And yet, for the last three years, parodies have been terrorized by the threat of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. These two imbeciles were originally credited as “2 of the 6 Writers of Scary Movie” when they released their first movie “Date Movie” a few years ago. As to which part of Scary Movie they wrote – I’m not sure, but I’m assuming all their work is included in the deleted scenes section of the DVD. Their other two atrocities are Epic Movie and Meet The Spartans, both of which I trust you’ve avoided so far.

They’ve re-invented spoofs, but not for the best. In fact, they’ve created something that can’t possibly be funny even if you were high or drunk. Instead of lampooning something, they find a bunch of popular movies from last year, clip out all their favorite parts, and stitch them together into one big incoherent mess. Instead of writing clever dialogue like “And don’t call me Shirley,” they repeat movies’ catch phrases until we’re sick of them. Then they take all the best jokes from those movies and re-use those as well. When they can’t find any other movie to rip off, they bring in reality show and pop star cameos to round out the circle of awfulness. Then they top it off with a break-dance number or rap video. It’s embarrassing to watch, and even more embarrassing to admit you’ve seen.

(Incidentally, I’ve only seen these through BitTorrent, and never entirely in one sitting.)

The reason I bring them up now is because they haven’t been fired yet. Inexplicably, their movies are bringing in tons of money, meaning Mike Judge’s theory of an Idiocracy is coming true. They’ve already started work on their next movie, Disaster Movie, which follows the adventures of several teens trying to escape every natural disaster in existence. A good premise for a comedy, yes. Will it work? No.

The story follows this group of friends on their comic misadventures as they try to escape in the midst of catastrophic events while simultaneously trying to solve a series of mysteries to end the destruction. DISASTER MOVIE takes aim at everything and everyone, from “Sex and the City” and “There Will Be Blood” to Amy Winehouse and Dr. Phil., lampooning movies, pop culture icons and public figures along the way.

I’ll give them credit – Sex and the City and Amy Winehouse seem like reasonable fodder for something called Disaster Movie, but once again, they’re just going to be re-enacting a bunch of stuff we’ve already seen in this year’s movies. There’s gotta be at least one scene where someone puts on an Iron Man costume and flies into a wall. And another scene where a guy in a panda costume shows up to do kung fu on someone pretending to be Shia Laboeuf. And hey – you know that “Chocolate Rain” video on YouTube? That’ll be in there too.

The worst part is that there’s no sight of any real spoofs coming back anytime soon. The monkeys in Hollywood are seeing the $80M+ box office these movies are bringing in and figuring that this is what the world wants more of. Upon checking the demographics of the votes on IMDB, it seems that “Females Under 18″ are their core audience. And if they have the numbers to keep this garbage in circulation, I can only shudder at how well Sex in the City is about to do this weekend.

The end is near.

Please enjoy this video by Maddox.

May 30 2008 | Movies, Videos | No Comments »

Thursday Rambling: May ’08 Edition

I had this weird dream this morning where I was running around doing something, and then I run into my friend Amie and she’s got a strange hairdo. So I comment on the hairdo and she says nothing, so I go back to doing something.

Later, after waking up, I went on Facebook and found out she dyed her hair blonde.

Weeeeeird.

This whole week’s been crazy for me. Working non-stop around the clock at work and pulling in late hours just to meet deadlines. May is generally a non-productive month for me, but I guess that only applies at home (last May, my computer went on the blitz and was stuck in the shop for five weeks.) I can’t bring myself to doing work at home lately and I’m feeling pretty anti-social, so I’ve just been blasting away at the “Kingdom Hearts” games for the last couple weeks. I’ll blog about those later. They’re awesome.

Not much else to report on. Might start taking some night classes in the next few weeks, but that’s about it. Now I’m just sitting on the floor right now, blogging, watching the “Lost” season finale and eating ice cream. Tomorrow is barbecue day at work. Yaaaay. I’m tired. Sleep time.

May 30 2008 | Daily Life | No Comments »

Great Moments in TV History #3

There’s a dozen of these sketches out there, but this one’s my favorite so far.



May 28 2008 | TV, Videos | No Comments »

Blog Ideas #1: Write a book review.

I’m pretty brain-dead today and can’t think of anything to blog about, so… I’m digging up an old blogging list of recommended things to blog about. Here’s number 1:

1. Read a good book about your topic and write a review on it. As a bonus, you can link to the book on Amazon.com and get some commissions for selling the book.

O….kay. The last book I read…

Last November, on my way back from Italy, I picked up some reading material for the plane ride that didn’t have movies on it. The book was Michael Crichton’s Next (there we go! Amazon-linked! But don’t buy it yet, because the book sucks!)

Next is one of those stories about several different stories all happening at once to different people, and in the end, they all meet up somehow. Only, in this case, every story is about “real-world” genetic engineering. It’s incredibly confusing and by the end, I wasn’t even sure how the story started anymore. There was something involving one guy discovering the cure for drug addiction, another guy who creates a chimpanzee-human hybrid and raises it as his son, one story about road trip involving a wacky talking parrot, and for some reason, a story about a guy getting arrested for having sex with a minor. Most of it is about real-life government laws regarding genetics, and how science already owns the patents on most of our genes.

I’m generally a fan of Michael Crichton. I love the Jurassic Park series, and I really enjoy his creature thrillers like Sphere and Prey. But this one is nowhere near the thriller it claims to be. It’s mostly people gasping at boring things for 400 pages. Then a monkey goes around biting people and the parrot does it’s wacky Clint Eastwood impression. I’m not sure what genre this is supposed to be. At the very least, it’s more interesting than Congo, (the book version, which was essentially just people studying gorillas and then leaving.)

My final word is that books take forever to read and this is no exception. This book didn’t keep my interest, and it ended up taking me four months to get through it, unlike the last Harry Potter book which I got through in three days.

Maybe I should’ve blogged about that one instead.

Okay – changing my review.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is the last book in the Harry Potter series. It follows the adventures of Harry and his friends as they skip school to blow up everything they find. If you haven’t read the book, I’m not joking about that last part. Every chapter ends in an explosion. I won’t give away the rest of the story, but over 30 main characters die. And that’s pretty impressive. It also has a motorcycle chase. I recommend it.

May 27 2008 | Daily Life | 1 Comment »

Old School Gaming: Sonic the Hedgehog 2

Developed by: Sega, 1992
Difficulty: Medium-Hard
Rating: A+
Video of Tails repeating getting Killed: Click Here!

Me and my friends dug up the old Sega Genesis and, even after 16 years, still agree this is one of the best games ever made.

The first game centered around a really fast blue hedgehog who ran around 6 conveniently roller-coaster-shaped landscapes fighting the robot forces of Dr. Robotnik. You only had four controls: move left, move right, look up, duck, and jump. Simple, to the point, and you could still kick a lot of ass with it. You’d run around spinning on robots and animals would pop out. Then Robotnik would show up with some retarded weapon that would always fall apart after you jumped on it eight times.

The sequel, however, was the Mario 3 of Sonic games. They took all the good stuff from the first one, gave Sonic a retarded sidekick, a crazy spin dash move, his own airplane, 3D bonus levels, and the ability to transform into a god-like super hedgehog. Then, to make it easier on the bad guys, they gave Robotnik his own Flying Battle Fortress and a Death Star. Top it off with some awesome music and this was pretty intense for a 1992 game.

My only gripe is the stupidity of Tails as a sidekick. Tails is a fox with two tails, and he spins them around like a helicopter to fly (Japan rules.) He was okay in two-player mode because you could race against your friends with him, but in one-player mode, he just follow Sonic around and got killed by stuff. Then, when you got to the bonus level, he’d always crash into mines and lose your rings. What a dick. You couldn’t even make him fly in this game. You had to wait until Sonic 3 before they gave you that luxury.

Anyway, awesome game. Play it. Sonic is a classic role model for everyone.

May 26 2008 | Video Games | No Comments »

Magibon: Konichiwa Desu Bai-Bai

Much like yesterday’s blog post, here’s another internet phenomenom that’s been around since 2006 that equally eludes me. Only I can’t stop watching it. It’s name is Magibon.

I usually have enough common sense to shut off a video off once I realize it’s going nowhere. Such is not the case here. At first glance, she seems like a cute little 14-year old autistic girl who’s never sure what to do in front of her webcam and randomly practices Japanese in front of it. Her videos have absolutely no point to them. And after watching all 51 of them, I felt the strange urge to stalk her. I obviously wasn’t the first since there’s many websites devoted to solving the mystery that is Magibon. And in reality, she’s a 21-year old white girl in Boston who likes to f*** with people’s heads.

Fake or not, this Magibon character she’s created has gotta be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. I don’t even get those weird pervy thoughts like I would from any other cam-girl. It’s like… she’s cute, and I want to buy her an ice cream. I want to take her to the zoo and show her the monkeys. I want to sit around and watch her try to drink soy sauce all day.

It’s gotta be hypnosis. It’s gotta be. Damn you, Magibon! Get out of my head!!!

Wait a sec. What are you doing with that pizza? No… no. Magibon, put down the pizza.

OMG! Look at her eat that pizza! It’s bigger than her head!!!

Marry me.

May 25 2008 | Killing Time, Pop Culture, Videos | 1 Comment »

I don’t get Rickrolling.

Before we begin, here’s a funny video of George Bush getting hit in the nuts by a kid with a whiffle bat.

A-ha-ha-ha! Gotcha didn’t I? That didn’t lead to something funny at all, did it? No! It led to a Rick Astley video! Get it?! You’ve just been RICKROLLED, sucka!

With that out of the way, this prank’s been going around on-line for two years now and it still doesn’t make any sense to me. What’s the joke here? The song is catchy, and Rick’s got better moves than most people who click his links. Is it because kids can’t wrap their heads around campy 80′s music? Is it because they want to trick their friends into watching a gay guy dance?

No matter the reason, there’s a million more traumatizing 80′s videos you could trick your friends into watching. You want to freak them out with dancing gay guys? There’s always Culture Club or Scissor Sisters. Or inject them with something completely stupid? That’s what Hasselhoff and Chacarron are for. You won’t believe how many videos like this I found just researching this blog. Rick Astley’s got nothing on these people.

Going back to the prank, what happened to the good old days when clicking links used to trick you in seeing disgusting stuff, like Goatse and Tubgirl? Rick Astley seems like a serious step backwards. It has to be the lamest viral thing the internet has ever cooked up. If we were aiming at a more dumbed down version of the prank, shouldn’t it still be something weird and disgusting, but on more of a PG level? Like this delightful video of people playing cat hockey?

If you clicked that last link, you’ve just been Midget-Tranny-Amy-Winehouse-Roll’d! Doesn’t roll off the tongue as well, but it’s still more effective.

I’ll let you go with this clip from Family Guy.

FYI, Rick Astley’s straight. Cut the guy a break. It was the 80′s.

May 24 2008 | Killing Time, Music Videos, Pop Culture, Videos | No Comments »

The Hat Returns: Lolcat Edition

It seems like just yesterday I posted the teaser trailer for the movie and then quit blogging for two months. But the wait is over – the adventures of an aging grave robber/murderer will now continue. Indy is back and doing stuff. I’ll probably check it out this weekend when my brother comes down for his birthday thing. In the meantime, I made some Indiana Jones lolcats.

May 23 2008 | Humor, Movies | 1 Comment »

Great Moments in TV History #2

Can’t beat the classics.

May 21 2008 | Humor, Killing Time, TV, Videos | No Comments »

Hungry Hungy Dilbert Comics #1

Dilbert.com has this thing where they remove the text from the last panel of every daily Dilbert strip and let you submit your own punchline to prove you’re funnier than Scott Adams. I’ve been messing with that and making my own mash-ups lately, so thought I might share them with you.

Ever wondered what it might be like if Dilbert and his friends just ate stuff instead of delivering punchlines? I know I have. And thus, without further ado, I proudly present Hungry Hungry Dilbert Comics!






(Get it? The joke is that they eat things.)

May 20 2008 | Comics | No Comments »

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