Cracked’s got their new user submission list up of the Top 30 If Video Games Existed In Real Life. As usual, I didn’t win again. There were a few good winners though, even though I didn’t get some of the jokes, and others are the same thing. Anyway, here’s my entries.
This makes for two blogs referencing Star Trek in one week. Should I just go for three and review “The Voyage Home” after this?
Anyway, I can’t remember where I read it, but apparently some guys somewhere actually created a teleporter and moved a frog across the room. It came out dead, but it worked. Work out the kinks and we may eventually have fully-functioning teleporters everywhere while the airlines go out of business in the next hundred years.
In all honesty, I’m not looking forward to that day. Apparently, in order for teleportation to work, the original person has to be destroyed while a replica is made elsewhere in his place, like a fax. You would step onto the teleporter, think to yourself “I’m going to Winnipeg,” and then BAM – you’re dead. Meanwhile, someone with your face and memories steps out of the teleporter in Winnipeg and nobody’s the wiser – not even your soul-less clone who’ll probably start feeding on the living in a couple hours.
I do, however, think that teleportation could serve a much more useful purpose that could revolutionize our entire way of life. No, I’m not talking about sending food to starving countries. I’m talking about pooping.
Think about it – how much of our day is spent on the toilet? We go to the bathroom a lot. There was a time when indoor plumbing was the greatest technological achievement in the history of mankind, and even that’s become inconvenient for us. Now imagine the next big step: tele-pooping. The process is simple: everyone carries around a little iPod-type thingy on their belt, or it could even be a program on their cellphone (everything will be done on cellphones in the future.) When you feel the need to relieve yourself, just push the button and there you have it. Whatever waste there is in your bladder or colon is immediately evacuated to the nearest waste disposal facility. You’ll never have to hold it through a movie or on a long car trip ever again.
There are downsides to this, yes. Diaper companies would become obsolete, as would anyone who designs toilets for a living. Then there’s always the kinks to work out, like making sure your colon itself doesn’t get teleported when you press the button. And you just know there’s going to be a redneck couple somewhere who make the news after a horrible accident during anal sex.
But otherwise, that’s my prediction for the future. In a hundred years, going to the bathroom would become a thing of the past. I’m throwing this idea out to anyone who has a degree in quantum physics and proctology. You could change the world.
My plan involves hiding out in my condo, sneaking in canned food from the Sobey’s down the street, and waiting for the military to show up and help me (or nuke me.) I think I could hold out for a while and keep my car handy in case of emergency since there will be limited gas going around. As for weapons – my choice is the aluminum bat or some kind of heavy metal bludgeon. I considered swords, but I haven’t had enough practice beheading people to think I’m ready for that. With my luck, the blade would probably get stuck in the bone anyway. As for guns – they’re a good plan B, but at least a bat doesn’t run out of ammo.
Ooh, Melanie! Thought of another idea! Bears fighting zombies! We could use that!
Also, for the Star Trek regulars on my site, a couple guys working with Cracked also posted this rap video entitled The U.S.S. Enterprise (Is Getting P.U.S.S.Y. Tonight.) Still haven’t seen the show yet, but it’s a pretty catchy song. Contains explicit lyrics, but you guys don’t care.
In my life, I’ve been called a nerd by many people. This has always bothered me – not because I find it offensive, but because I find it inaccurate. For example, back in grade 5, I wasn’t a popular kid, but I never considered myself a nerd. I couldn’t read French, got confused by math, and was struggling to maintain a B average. Then one day, the teacher announced we’d be having a science fair and asked us to find a partner. Suddenly, every kid in class wanted to team up with me for some reason. I was officially the class nerd. My salt crystal science project would later go on to receive a nasty 53% on the final grade, but that still didn’t deter anybody. During a school play later that year, I got typecast as a scientist character and wound up wearing a lab coat and big glasses in front of the student body which only made things worse.
Eventually, I did ask some friends why people kept thinking I was a nerd. It mostly came down to three things: 1) I wore glasses for six months back in fourth grade, 2) I liked playing on computers, and 3) I knew big words. It’s not that I was a straight-out nerd – kids were just guessing at which click I belonged in. However, the glasses were a temporary experiment to see if they could restore sight to my right eye, the computers at the time had a really fun turtle game on them, and I only knew big words because I made most of them up. I was not a smart kid, and not much has changed since then. I tend to pick up on the odd piece of trivia, but I never remember anything that’s both intelligent AND useful and I think that’s what separates me from nerds.
Don’t get me wrong – this isn’t some typical “stop calling names” rant. It’s just that when it comes to nerds, I picture them as the intellectual types who learn useful things in the technical field. They learn how things work and eventually go on to build computer programs, design buildings, study diseases, and so on. I can barely remember basic HTML and I still think televisions run on magic. Instead, my head is swimming with obscure trivia about dinosaurs, cartoons, and 80′s music, none of which will get me a job at NASA anytime soon. If anything, I’m a geek.
The internet is abundant with both geeks and nerds, and it’s very easy to spot the geeks. Instead of using our spare time reading tutorials and science blogs, we’ll spend about 90% of our internet time in forums arguing about movies, creating lists, or blogging about the differences betweens geeks and nerds. I can give a play-by-play walkthrough on how to beat a ton of old school adventure games. I can tell you how far away each planet is. I can list a bunch of dinosaurs names and tell you what they mean. Just don’t ask me how they coded those games, discovered those planets, or carbon-dated those dinosaurs. Once again, it’s all just magic to me.
I can’t be too hypocritical though. Anyone who knows how a car engine works, what ingredients constitute the perfect souffle, or in my case, can rig a 3D model, still has a little bit of nerd inside. Just as anyone can geek over their own personal obsessions. We’re all just walking pie charts made up of geeks, nerds, jocks, jerks, sluts, slaves, emo, goths, artists, drama queens, party animals, nut cases, and whatever other click you can think of. Often one more than the others, but I guess that’s how we maintain our individuality. Still, even individuals need to find the black-and-white of their place in life.
Thus, I shall remain a geek. A geek who makes cartoons about farting ducks.
I’m having another brain-dead day again, so it’s time to consult the list again.
Pick a product that people in your niche will be interested in. Make sure it is something you use yourself. There are a lot of products you can link to on Amazon.com, or look for another affiliate program.
Man, I picked a boring list to leech ideas off of.
Anyway, here’s my review of an awesome product I use every day. Going back to my second blog post ever, I bring you: the Screaming Flying Monkey.
I keep my monkey in a styrofoam cup next to my monitor. He holds all my pens and pencils. On slow days, I’ll take him out of his cup, pull back on his stretchy arms, and fire him across the room at a co-worker. Then we launch him around the room for a while until the boss shows up. Then he joins in and nothing gets done for the rest of the day. It’s wonderful. I highly recommend it.
There’s a whole collection of these slingshot animals on the market, but I haven’t found anything yet that beats a monkey in a cape.
On a unrelated note, I may be going senile. More to come.