Clash of the Titans New Rule: Shakey Cam + 3D Glasses = NOT ALLOWED Seriously: Why not just Gaussian blur the whole movie while we’re at it? Also: Movie is very inaccurate. All historians know the Titans were killed by an angry Spartan. Also also: Ralph Fienne’s performance as Hades seems to be a compromise between the director wanting him to play Voldemort again, and Ralph wanting to play Grimer Wormtongue.
Iron Man 2 Yaaaaayyyy: Explosions! Robert Downey Jr! Robot fights! Scarlett Johansson in tight black leather! Sam Rockwell being wacky! Mickey Rourke being Russian! Biiiirrrrd! What confused me: I don’t think this movie had a script. The story stops every two minutes just so Robert Downey and Sam Rockwell can stutter and chuckle through their lines. It’s like watching a two hour blooper reel. With explosions. Many explosions?: Oh, yes. Many explosions. My big gripe: Maybe I’m over-analyzing, but was that whole “blood toxicity” sub-plot actually a convoluted metaphor for Tony having a drinking problem? —Actually, yes – I just checked it. It was. They slapped a whole new sub-plot over the movie because thought Tony being an alcoholic was too dark for children. So they gave him radiation poisoning instead. Fun for the whole family!
Kick-Ass Gwah?: GWAAAHHH!!!! What is it?: What part of GWAAAHHH didn’t you understand?
Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time Best Video Game Movie Ever?: Of course not. Not while Mortal Kombat exists. Did it respect the video game, at least?: Nope. They just jotted down “Prince,” “Persia,” “Time-Travel,” and “Desert,” and made a movie out of that instead. Was it watchable at least?: Oh, yeah. It needed more time-traveling, but was still a fun watch. There’s ostrich racing in it!
The A-Team Awesome?: Yes, awesome. Better than Crank 2: I don’t think Jason Statham will allow that. Is the full theme song in it? It better be: It is! They play it twice, by my count. What about Baracus? Does he pity any fools?: He pities ALL the fools.
Toy Story 3 So is it any good? It’s Pixar. These guys once made a successful romantic comedy about R2-D2, so the real question to be asked is “is it less good than the last movie they made?” In which case, no. “Toy Story 3″ blew my mind. Definitely better than TS2, although I’m still debating over whether it’s better than the first one. That baby head on the spider legs still creeps me out. Isn’t there a baby in this movie?: Oh, my god! You’re right! I forgot the awesomeness of Big Baby! And wasn’t there…. ?: Totoro! Totoro was in this movie! And a force-field dog! And a dinosaur that eats force-field dogs! And a monkey! I made up my mind. It’s better than Toy Story 1. So is it over?: Yes. I don’t think there will be a Toy Story 4. Unless you count this.
The Last Airbender What’s it about?: “The Last Airbender” is based on the highly successful animated series, about young boy who controls the elements and must return to free the world from the tyranny of the Fire Nation. The story on which is it based has received multiple awards, garnered critical praise from all age groups, and has captured the hearts and imagination of today’s generation, making it one of the more beloved stories of our time. And how’s the movie?: IT’S A ROTTEN, BORING PILE OF EXPOSITION AND HALF-BAKED CINEMATIC SCREW-UPS. M. Night Shyamalan has betrayed every single ounce of respect I have for his film-making prowess – and this is coming from someone who even defended his work on “Lady in the Water” and “The Happening.” Heck, this is coming from someone who’s defended “Dragonball: Evolution!” In fact, DB:E is the opposite of this. In DB:E, the subject matter was defecated all over, but the film still has the spirit and heart of the show. In “Airbender,” the subject matter is respected to the point where some scenes are shot-for-shot recreations, and yet the spirit and heart are completely missing. Sure, it follows the story, but there’s no humor, there’s no charm, there’s no imagination, there’s nothing that makes us want to enjoy the movie! It’s like being served a turkey dinner, only there’s just bones and M. Night ate all the meat in the kitchen!!! He’s effectively ruined the next best movie trilogy! Hang on, I’m done yet. Let me just add a break here… continue reading »
“And the winner for Best Movie is… The Twilight Saga: New Moon.”
Not exactly the first thing I want to hear when I turn on a TV.
Okay, so “The Twilight Saga” sweeping the MTV Movie Awards can hardly be considered a surprise, considering they let teenage girls doing all the voting with their cell phones. Heck, the Twilight movies are probably keeping the phone companies in business. But what are these girls really voting for? And how many straight guys voted for these movies too? And can they still be considered straight? And does “The Twilight Saga” really count as a saga?
sa·ga n.
1. a. A prose narrative usually written in Iceland between 1120 and 1400, dealing with the families that first settled Iceland and their descendants, with the histories of the kings of Norway, and with the myths and legends of early Germanic gods and heroes.
b. A modern prose narrative that resembles a saga.
2. A long detailed report: recounted the saga of their family problems.
3. A progressive rock band made famous in the early 80’s
No, it is not a saga. And just to recap, here is the movie everybody is voting for. This contains spoilers for “New Moon,” so be sure to read thoroughly in case you think you need to watch the movie first.
VAMPIRE: I’m not good for you. I must leave you.
GIRL: I want to kill myself.
WOLFMAN: I’m not wearing a shirt.
GIRL: I still want to kill myself.
WOLFMAN: Look. I have a truck.
GIRL: If I kill myself, maybe I can see him.
ME: We are now 90 minutes into the movie.
GIRL: Oh, look. Werewolves. And I still want to kill myself.
WOLFMAN: Don’t kill yourself.
GIRL: Okay.
VAMPIRE: I’m going kill myself because you probably killed yourself too.
GIRL: I will come to Rome to save you from… killing yourself.
VAMPIRE: Yay. We are in Rome.
GIRL: Make me a vampire.
VAMPIRE: Okay.
ME: And that’s how Robert Pattinson landed Best Actor at the MTV Movie Awards.
WOLFMAN: I am sad now.
ME: At 130 minutes into the movie, we all are.
WOLFMAN: At least you saw some sweet werewolf fights, right?
ME: Oh, yeah. That was pretty awesome for like, 30 seconds.
People have tried to convince me that the books are better, so I bothered reading “Twilight” for a bit and then stopped when I realized I didn’t have enough vaginas to really enjoy Stephanie Meyer’s wet dream about a vampire she made up. Who sparkles.
My diagnosis: stick to Buffy. At least when girls bone vampires in that show, they literally destroy buildings.
I’ve been been putting this one off for way too long – probably because I’ve been hyping it up so much off-line – but here it is. One of my absolute favorite internet things (second only to a UPS Dinosaur): TeamFourStar’s “Dragonball Z Abridged.” If you were ever a fan of “Dragonball Z” or even someone who wanted to know the story without having to sit through dozens of filler episodes, this is the show to watch.
What started out as a bunch of random nonsense put together by fans has evolved into one of the better comedy series on the internet. Their original 10-episode run transforms the entire first season into a 90-minute movie parody, complete with running gags, in-jokes, and quotes you’ll try to work into your daily vocabulary (Mr. Popo and Nappa are now my personal heroes.) It’s so well-handled, in fact, that I actually downloaded all the episodes, re-edited them into a single uninterrupted movie, burned them onto DVD, and showed it to my friends – most of whom asked for their own copies.
I can’t say it’s for everybody. It helps to know a little about the original series and characters first, and they do have their off-episodes where they fall back too much on their own in-jokes. But I would ultimately compare it to “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” or “Airplane.” It’s just as funny, quotable and equally outshines the source material. Not bad for a bunch of guys who don’t even use their real names.
You can view all their episodes directly on their site. And T, if you want to catch up on Season 2, check out Episodes 11, 12, 13, and 14. I know a bunch of my friends like to keep up on these as well, so I’ll probably post updates whenever a new one is out (like I did with Dr. Horrible, only these ones will just keep coming.)
I’ll leave you all with the episode me and Brittany watched last night. This one features a space duck and somebody’s quest for blueberry muffins.
The Princess and the Frog So is the Disney magic back?: Yes and no. It’s definitely a huge leap in the right direction (as opposed to their last half-assed attempt with “Home on the Range,”) but the general impression is that they’re trying too hard. They came up with a great story idea, then crammed the message down our throats every five minutes. It had great music, but then the songs wouldn’t stop. They even came up with some enjoyable sidekicks, but then did something horrifying to one of them that’s completely unheard of in an animated Disney film. Any advice for Disney?: Yes. Put Randy Newman on a leash and tie him up out back. I just read an article about how the producers chose him to write the songs since they were “not wanting the public to feel Disney being repetitive.” My brain hurts trying to process “Randy Newman,” “Disney,” “not,” and “repetitive” all in the same paragraph.
Sherlock Holmes Ready to swallow some pride?: All right, fine! I liked the movie. It was fun. It was entertaining. It doesn’t completely ruin one of my favorite literary characters. But it’s not my fault if the trailers made it look like “League of Extraordinary Gentlemen” meets “Wild Wild West.” Why’d you end up seeing it anyways?: Ever just walk into a theater and decide to watch whatever was on? Well, it was a choice between this and “The Tooth Fairy.”
Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief What is it?: A thinly-veiled Harry Potter knock-off, but with Greek mythology instead of wizards. Also, Pierce Brosnan is a centaur and Uma Thurman has snakes in her hair. Any good?: Well, I like greek mythology, and I like Harry Potter. And for a knock-off, it makes good use of the FX budget and doesn’t skimp on the action. It’s pretty much two straight hours of Percy fighting mythological monsters and not much else. I demand a sequel.
Avatar (again) Again?: Is it just me, or is there a lot more nipple-slips the second time around?
Alice in Wonderland Messed-up beyond all belief?: Nope, I’m used to this kind of stuff now. The combined efforts of Tim Burton, Tim Schafer, M.C. Escher and repeated viewings of “Yellow Submarine” over the years have made me completely immune to movies like this. So I can just sit back, relax, and let the movie feed my ego as it talks about how awesome crazy people are. Strangest thing in the movie?: In spite of everything in the movie, the one thing that weirded me out the most was hearing the Cheshire Cat use the term “evaporating skills.” Does this mean he can be scientifically explained? Did he used to be a normal talking cat? Did he train in a monastery for several years? I can’t register the idea that the cat had to practice to become what he is.
Okay, so I’m three days late with this one. But I still like it.
I have to give props to the creators. I’ve seen “Robot Chicken” try their hand at Nightmare parodies, and they didn’t even put in a fraction of the effort that these people did.
Well, here’s my newly re-written list of last decade’s finest. To put this list together, I consulted a lot of my younger friends and relatives, trying to figure out which movies were to their generation what movies like “Ghostbusters” and “Jurassic Park” would be to my generation (and kids these days seem to be looking back fondly at a lot of R-rated movies.) Anyway, here’s the final list:
10. Wall-E
It’s sort of redundant to put any Pixar film on here since they’re all gold, but Wall-E marked the last time any critics looked at a Pixar trailer and said “looks like Pixar’s got a flop now.” 45 minutes of Pokemon robots saying their own names, followed by 45 minutes of fat people rolling around, and it was still epic. Come “Up,” nobody questioned Pixar anymore.
9. The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift
THIS is what a car-racing movie should be. No undercover cops. No deals gone bad. No corporate conspiracies. Just cool cars, hot women, and a dude driving really fast around sharp corners in Japan.
8. V for Vendetta
Dude brought knives to a gun fight and WON.
7. The Spongebob Squarepants Movie
An odd choice, but it has been argued that this movie is so mind-boggingly stupid that it practically borders on brilliant. Truth be told, I can’t even come into the last half hour of the show without watching the rest of it. Those David Hasselhoff scenes alone are some of the best things ever put to film.
6. Shaun of the Dead
Zombies, a cricket-bat, the music of Queen, and one guy doing his worst to save everybody. I’m starting a slow clap now. Feel free to join in anytime.
5. Team America: World Police
Everything you ever need to know about world politics. As performed by puppets.
4. Kill Bill
Can’t have one film without the other. 90 minutes of sword-fights and exploding blood-filled condoms go hand-in-hand with 2.5 hours of people just sitting and talking about sword-fights and exploding blood-filled condoms.
3. Transformers
The strange thing about Transformers is that everyone either loves it or hates it, but nobody’s calling it a cult film. Granted, you could say the same about any other Michael Bay movie, but I have to give both him and Steven Spielberg credit for actually turning some ridiculous kid’s thing into something ridiculous for all ages. I mean, come on – my mom wouldn’t even buy me the toys as a kid, but I swear she watches this movie every week.
2. Super Troopers
Because meow. That’s why.
1. Avatar
Why? Because in the last ten years, every blockbuster film has tried to be the “biggest movie ever.” Lord of the Rings, Spider-man, Gladiator, Pirates of the Caribbean, the Dark Knight, the Matrix Trilogy. And yet when all was said and done – and not a single filmmaker could top “Titanic” – James Cameron just sighed, strolled on up and said “here, let me show you how.” Then he made the blue kitty smurf version of “Pocahontas” and made the most money ever. That is mad skills right there. I’m sure most studios are still scratching their heads trying to figure out what they were doing wrong.
And just for kicks, my own personal list of favorite movies from this decade (in no particular order.) I find these ones are just really good rainy day movies:
The Incredibles
Cars
A Knight’s Tale
The Road to El Dorado
Almost Famous
Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
School of Rock
Lilo and Stitch
Anchorman
Kung Fu Panda
I Love You, Man
And now I’m done with the lists for now. In the meantime, what were some of your personal favorites?
Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin doing a parody of “Paranormal Activity.” Somehow, 0:20-0:25 makes me laugh every time.
Seriously though, did they ask Alec Baldwin to be on the show so he could be Steve Martin’s punching bag? I can picture George Clooney taking that kind of verbal abuse and laughing, but Alec Baldwin strikes me as the kind of guy who bottles it up and strangles Steve Martin after the show.
This is one of the greatest things I have ever seen. One guy decided to go right ahead and re-create the opening musical number to one of my favorite movies shot-for-shot using live actors and special effects. If I ever see this guy on the street, I’m buying him a taco.
