Archive: The Smashies ‘09
Before starting this year’s Smashie Awards, I have an unfortunate announcement to make.
Jason Statham’s “Crank 2: High Voltage” has, with great regret, been disqualified from this year’s runnings. Yes, I know he’s broken new ground on how awesome a movie can be, but said movie was so awesome that it actually qualifies as “bribing the judges.” Topless machine gun shoot-outs in a strip club, lesbian make-out scenes during a car chase, giant puppet battles – this movie is the equivalent of a professional athlete taking steroids – or even punch getting spiked. It’s everything that is good, sprinkled with everything that is bad to play fool with our senses. It wouldn’t be fair to place it in the same running as all the other action movies that tried really hard this year. Right?
(Please don’t kill me, Mr. Statham.)
Carrying on, here are the ten best action films of 2009:
10. ALL ROBOT MOVIES
Robots became so pre-dominant in action movies last year that they might as well have their films all packed in together. Mind you – each one does have it’s own traits. “Terminator Salvation” went for quality, “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” went for quantity. “Astroboy” went for stylization, “District 9″ went for realism. And then “G.I. Joe” had a ten minute stint where two humans dressed up as robots and trashed Paris for the fun of it. Personally, I won’t get tired of giant robots fighting and shooting up the place, and the special effects are getting better, but they can only do so much with machines before the action itself becomes generic. In any case – robots still rule.
9. 2012
The world is getting destroyed and there’s only one thing to do: DRIVE AWAY FROM IT. Every action sequence in this movie practically follows that formula. Everything is nice and pleasant… and then suddenly the earth opens up and swallows everything, and we always have a car or airplane trying to stay ahead of the destruction. And the destruction ROCKS. Buildings, structures, vehicles, people, tectonic plates – you see it all collapsing. Every bloody detail of it. Have a parking garage tip over and rain cars down on the good guys? Why not?! Drop a boat on the White House? Even better! This movie didn’t really pay any attention to anything it did, but you could always count on those hundreds of graphics artists to get something right.
8. Taken
Liam Neeson does a really good job of filling in that gap left behind by Harrison Ford. He’s got a gun, his family’s in trouble, and there’s a bazillion henchmen between him and his goal. Very standard stuff, but he pulls it off.
7. ZOMBIELAND (formerly Drag me to Hell)
I can’t believe I didn’t see Zombieland until now. That scene on the roller coaster deserves it’s own video game.
6. Avatar
This one gets it’s own spot away from the “giant robot” category, just because most of the meat of the action is performed by giant cat people on pterodactyls. Lots of jumping, lots of smashing, lots of exploding, and even in nauseating 3D – the action is still easier to follow than most 2D films.
5. Crank 2: High Voltage
Hey-hey-hey-hey! What do think you’re doing? Bad Jason Statham! You got disqualified for being too awesome! You’re not allowed on this list! Now let other people win!
Okay, okay – fine! You can have the number 5 spot. But no more! Okay?
4. Ong Bak 2: The Beginning
What to say about Tony Jaa? The man is a modern legend when it comes to martial arts. And in spite of having the worst ending in a movie ever, this one delivers on sheer insanity with it’s fights. Tony Jaa fights one boss after another, and not one of them makes sense. Why is there a cat lady? Who’s that person dressed as a crow? Doesn’t matter. Tony Jaa fights them. And then later, he brings in his elephant tag team partner – and fights people with an elephant. And not just a baby elephant like in “The Protector” – we’re talking about a full-sized momma for him to do stunts on. Granted, “The Protector” is still the one to watch, but damn. He fights good.
3. Crank 2: High Voltage
What did I just say?! Go away! Shoo! You’re ruining my list!
2. Ninja Assassin
Starting out strong, then going slow, this thing soon evolves into non-stop ninja action with more blood, gore, and sharp objects than you get out of most movies these days. All the things we say are awesome about ninjas are depicted in this movie and exaggerated into Matrix-type levels. Hell, right after that opening scene, it’s hammered right into your brain: if a ninja is in the same room as you, you’re already dead. That’s the general feel you get for any one who does so much as steps into a shadow in this movie.
1. Crank 2: High Voltage
…
I give up. I’m done here.
February 07 2010 08:34 pm | Movies