What we see in the trailers: Wall-to-wall action as Lt. Raine’s troops storm around France gunning down Nazis in a bloodbath of awesomeness.
What the movie’s actually like: People sit at tables and chat for twenty minutes about everything except the plot. Then some plot happens. Then they sit at another table and repeat the process until the movie’s over. Every other scene ends in a quick ten-second gunfight. Those are the parts that end up in the trailers.
But it’s still damn good!: Yessiree, Bob.
What is it?: It’s the better version of “Dude, Where’s My Car.” Minus the aliens.
What’s “Dude, Where’s My Car?”: What, seriously?
Yeah, what is that?: It’s an Ashton Kutcher movie from 2000.
Is it good?: Don’t you want to hear more about “The Hangover?”
No, I already saw it because it’s awesome. Tell me more about that other one: I don’t want to. I don’t trust you.
We’re not friends anymore then: Fine, I’ll just get someone else to do all the bold lettering.
wghat isit?: If “Toy Story” and “Resident Evil” had a baby together, “9″ would be their firstborn. The story follows a rag-doll robot on musical escapade through the world of Cinema Italiano as he fantasizes about his love affairs and tries to rediscover his muse.
lol did timburton make it?: No, he just produced and…
pooooop. pooooop.: I don’t know how to answer that. It’s a cool movie, okay?
i farted in my bum: All right, all right – other bold letter guy? You can come back now.
Ha! It was me all along!: And you suck for that.
Let us never fight again: Okay.
Why did you watch this?: The ladies were going to the movie and asked if I wanted to come. And I was like “Yeah! I like that song!” Also, they were going for supper.
Did you all like the movie?: I sort of did. They didn’t. In retrospect, I probably didn’t like it either. I was just in denial at the time.
Do they at least play the “Fame” theme song?: No, they don’t. They do a hip-hop remix of it over the credits (basterds!)
So how was supper?: It was good. I had Chinese. Amie ordered a cheese crepe. We bugged her about it. It was funny.
What is it?: It’s a movie that makes fun of the Bible, as written by people who probably didn’t even read the Bible. It’s like if Seth MacFarlane tried to remake “History of the World,” where instead of clever satire, we get a series of sketches about Bible characters being stupid and milking jokes for more than they’re worth. Also, Jack Black and Michael Cera are cavemen.
Why is Michael Cera still in movies?: I’m not sure. They asked him to play a caveman in this movie, and he showed up on set as himself wearing a funny wig. At least when it comes to playing himself, he’s nailed his own role.
Did you see that “Youth in Revolt” trailer?: Yeah – see? That’s what I’m talking about. That one’s a movie about Michael Cera being a bad-ass, and yet all he does is grow a mustache and wear sunglasses. He still sounds like Piglet going through puberty.
So how badly did this one suck?: It didn’t. I really liked it.
What, in the same way you liked Speed Racer or Dragonball?: Nope! This one’s a genuinely good movie in my book, no irony implied. This one seemed more inspired by movies like “Pinocchio” and “The Iron Giant” than the source material itself, but it’s still really well done for what it is, if not a little black-and-white at times (take a drink every time you spot something obviously evil.) Otherwise, it kicks ass. Made by the same guys who did “TMNT,” if you liked that one.
What about the hair?: Astroboy’s hair is fun to watch. It keeps changing sides throughout the movie.
What’s happening to the world this time?: Solar neutrinos have “mutated” and microwaved the inside of the earth (surprisingly not killing us in the process.) Now the crust has melted and everything’s smashing apart. Also, everybody’s cell phones still work.
Did you just spoil the movie?: Not yet. That’s all explained in the first two minutes. They even boast “Einstein supports this theory” so that it sounds legit. Spoiling this movie’s formula is very easy: 1) Earth is getting destroyed, 2) John Cusack drives away from it, and 3) repeat process. Now I spoiled it for you.
So it absolutely sucks?: Yes, but watch it anyways. The mass destruction is freakin’ sweet.
What is it?: A sci-fi spoof about Cold War paranoia (on a planet with no obvious Cold War going on) where a human astronaut is the alien monster, and the alien monsters are the frightened citizens who think we can create zombie slaves (which isn’t too farfetched.)
Horrible? Good?: Way better than “Monsters vs. Aliens.” Started out lame, but got better. It reminded me of “The Iron Giant” again (animated movies seem to be doing that a lot lately) but only in setting and atmosphere rather than plot. I found the astronaut guy to be rather… retarded. Maybe he was supposed to be that way, but if I came face-to-face with an alien species, the last thing I would do is start re-enacting scenes from “Star Wars.”
What is it?: Ninjas! Everywhere! Aaaah!
How did you like it?: Can’t sleep. Ninjas will eat me.
So… good?: SO GOOD.
What is it?: AWESOME.
So what’s the deal with this “new” 3D?: I wouldn’t call it new, but because of the film’s scope, you can’t help but notice it. It still looks like several flat layers on top of each other, but it’s more about feeling like the screen opens up into another world than it does about people waving sticks in front of your face. I think the real deal about this “new 3D” is that when you combine it with CGI characters, the “uncanny valley” effect seems to disappear. It did warp my sense of reality after walking out of the theatre. Not recommended for people who get 3D nausea.
What about the story?: A lot of people keep giving the story a lot of guff just because it resembles “Dances with Wolves” – but this movie features sexy cat women, giant robots and no Kevin Costner, so obviously it’s better.
Is it a game-changer?: Sadly, no. It’s awesome, but it’s not going to “change films forever.” “Avatar” builds upon what “Lord of the Rings” already started, and simply added 3D and cat people to the mix. And considering how stupidly expensive it was to make happen, I doubt all the studios will jump on that bandwagon. Although in Avatar’s defense, watching it feels like sitting through an abridged trilogy in under 3 hours, so I give it points for pacing.
What is it?: From the director of Chicago, comes the tale of an Italian filmmaker’s stylish journey through a gritty post-apocalyptic wasteland, and his battles against giant stitch-punk robots.
How did you like it?: I liked it a lot more than “Chicago.” Better directed, with catchier musical numbers. Although it does the same thing “Chicago” does, where every woman dresses in ridiculous lingerie with big stockings and has hundreds of things dangling off them. I swear I’d see more skin if they just wore their street clothes.
Sets the world record for: The amount of times the word “Guido” can be used as a lyric. In every song.