Here we are again! I didn’t have a lot of high hopes for movies this year as it opened with one underwhelming teaser trailer after another. It almost felt like 2011 would be the year of the bargain bin movie. But then summer rolled around and a lot of movies turned out surprisingly good. “Tintin” was amazing, “Goonies 2″ was sheer nostalgia, the fourth “Pirates” movie was watchable, “Captain America” was epic, “Fast Five” actually had a plot, “X-Men” was a quality reboot, “Holmes” easily had one of the best climatic scenes, “Potter” had a better ending than the book, “Transformers 3″ over-shot its own mark, and “Green Lantern” was… well… I liked “The Green Hornet”.
But now it comes time to narrow down the list. My top five picks of the year:
5. Rise of the Planet of the Apes
I’m putting this one here partly because I had the lowest expectations for this, but mainly because of Andy Serkis’ performance as Caesar. Most movies I can sit and listen to, but much like Wall-E, this film has a performance that needs to be seen to appreciate. The eyes have it, the face has it – even the ape’s acrobatics deliver more feeling than a hundred Old Yellers getting shot. The bonus features on the Blu-Ray are especially awesome since they let you see Andy Serkis perform without the CGI monkey make-up on – and it’s no less impressive.
I’d also like to throw out a nod to this film for that “Damn Dirty Ape” scene. One second, the whole audience is laughing at the reference to the original film, the next second, everyone’s gone silent and there’s confused whispers going on everywhere. Two opposite audience reactions in five seconds – I don’t think that’s been done this effectively since “Jaws”.
4. Mission Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol
I expected something awesome from Brad Bird, and he did deliver – but I think this is one of those movies that’s surprisingly more… “feel-good” for me than I would expect from a “Mission: Impossible” movie. I mentioned before how it’s no longer “The Tom Cruise Show” and how the story really is about the team. I like seeing a spy flick where everybody just does their job. There’s no secret agendas among them, no love triangles to screw things up – it’s really just them figuring out how to complete a mission where their gadgets keep breaking and their intel is wrong.
The story even has me invested in what’s an otherwise run-of-the-mill “someone’s going to set off a nuke” plot. In any other movie *cough*X-Men*cough* I would be begging for the bomb to go off – but this movie does a very good job getting me to root for the heroes. The film is very well-balanced and finds new ways of going around all the stuff that normally annoys me about spy movies – as does this following film…
3. Cars 2
I’ll continue to defend my “Cars 2″ bunker on the grounds that after multiple viewings, it still doesn’t cease to amaze me. The sets, the timing, the details, the dialogue, the cinematography, the story, the animation, the action, the voice performances – compared to all the other animated films this year, this one looks, feels, and sounds more polished than the others. And after having seen Larry the Cable Guy perform live last year, I have all the more respect for his performance as Mater who covers more range as a tow truck than anything he’s done on stage.
So why all the bad buzz? Far be it for me to say. This movie was getting negative reviews before anyone even saw it, and criticism is infectious. Even by Pixar standards, this isn’t their “worst” film. In fact, I still enjoy it far more than “Toy Story 3″. This movie is exactly what I look for in a sequel – to be able to stand on its own legs and still take things to the next level. Maybe that was just too much awesome for people to handle? Seeing the Cars universe go from a small-town romp into a globe-trotting adventure is the kind of surreal ambition I like watching in films. In fact, I want to see them top this level of craziness. If there’s a “Cars 3″, I want to see these characters travel through time and space with a Delorean voiced by Christopher Lloyd. Otherwise, I consider this no-less of “Pixar at its finest” than any of their other films.
2. Thor
After seeing “Captain America”, I right then and there decided that was going to be my top pick for the year. And then I watched it again later and it was still good. And it was still good after that. And that might be where it lost me – it just didn’t get better in the viewings to follow. “Thor” on the other hand… has actually been getting better on second viewings. Whatever I considered to be bad the first time I watched it eventually settled into a nice mediocre groove that I could chill to. Even the love story was just Thor and Natalie Portman going “Nudge Nudge Wink Wink” at each other.
Film director Howard Hawks once defined a good movie as something with “three great scenes, no bad ones” and Thor’s pretty much the best example of that for me. No scene in this movie pisses me off, and I always remember three great scenes from the movie whenever someone brings it up. There’s the battle against the ice giants, that funny moment with the coffee cup, and personally, I LOVE watching the closing credits where we’re flying through space and seeing the universe take on the shape of the Nordic tree of life. Seeing that part in 3D felt like a Turbo-Ride from the 90′s. Overall, this is a splendidly mediocre movie.
1. The Muppets
For me, almost every scene in this movie is golden. For a film where the main characters aren’t even the original Muppets, this is already the best Muppet movie since “The Great Muppet Caper.” Walter’s a fantastic character, and Jason Segel really manages to bring back the old Muppet charm without making it seem dated. And this is one of those “theatrical experience” movies where you need to be surrounded by people to really feel the love. When the Muppets put on their show, the movie creates a connection that you’re sitting in the Muppet Theater laughing with the same audience who’s laughing on-screen.
And then there’s the soundtrack: the movie’s music is fantastic. I mean, I’ve seen a lot of attempted musicals over the years and it’s really hard to nail an original AND memorable song. The movie’s opener “Life’s a Happy Song” is probably the best opening number since the one from “Beauty and Beast”, and “Man or Muppet” just gets better with each listen. There’s a certain quality about the songs which reminds me of Joss Whedon musicals, where comedy and clever metaphors go hand-in-hand. And even the non-original songs are excellent – a Barbershop version of “Smells like Teen Spirit”? Chickens singing Cee-Lo Green? And more “Rainbow Connection” fan-service for dessert? It’s a Swedish smorgasbord for the ears.
All in all, I can’t imagine why Jim Henson wouldn’t be proud. One of the most commonly explored themes in his universe has been making the most out of hard times, and this film continues that tradition. The Muppets sing and dance, but they don’t live the carefree Mickey Mouse lifestyle. They deal with depression, failure, stress – and yet they keep finding the strength to bounce back and fire Gonzo out of a cannon. “The Muppets” is a romp through my childhood, yet it’s cleverly built for the next generation. 20 years from now, today’s kids will fondly remember this movie and be taking their own kids to see “Muppets 2032: Unemployed Again” where the circle will begin anew.
Mission: Impossible 4 First Impressions: I’ve been looking forward to seeing this one ever since I heard that animation director Brad Bird (The Iron Giant, The Incredibles, Ratatouille) would be directing. It’s a geek thing for me; I like seeing animators carry their skills over into different mediums (much like Tim Burton did years ago, and we know how that turned out.) The Actual Movie: Really good. There’s no question that this is already my favorite M:I movie. I like the story, I like the characters, I like the gadgets, I like the action… I REALLY like the team. This is one M:I movie where it isn’t all “The Tom Cruise Show.” In fact, this is the only movie in the franchise where I even remember who the team is. They all get their respective spotlights. One guy even goes through the motions of having to jump down a ventilation shaft for the first time. I thought that was a clever way of showing us what every movie spy probably goes through early in their career. There’s also a lot of a slowed-down and very tense sequences, especially in one scene near the beginning where two guys are trying to sneak up on a guard while hidden in plain sight. The Action: If I were still doing the Smashies, M:I-4 would get a good nod here. There’s some great stunts, and I like it when action sequences are properly staged like this. There’s no shakey-cam, all the beat changes are there, and unlike M:I-2, Tom Cruise actually looks like he’s in considerable pain after falling off a building. It’s a movie I’ll have to watch again to see if it still holds up well after the first good impression.
The Muppets MUPPETS!: Yes, Muppets. Where to start? Good movie?: Excellent movie. Normally, I’ve been growing to hate this recurring trend with using nostalgia to rope audiences in (please don’t mention my games) but The Muppets… let’s just say they hit me harder than “Toy Story 3″ hit other people. And that’s saying a lot since I was too young to remember watching the actual “Muppet Show.” They nail the humor, the songs are catchy, and the show at the end feels like I’m actually right there in the Muppets’ theater. I think this effect would be lost on video because to see the Muppets performing their theme song on the big-screen is a very surreal (almost religious) experience for me. And…: Leave this for now. I’ll sum this up in a later blog post.
The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret of the Unicorn Anticipation?: Yes, this was my most anticipated movie of the year. I grew up reading the Tintin books and watching the TV shows, so this was huge for me. And on top of that: Steven Spielberg, Peter Jackson, Andy Serkis, Steven Moffatt, and Edgar Wright were making it. Throw in Joss Whedon and Neil Patrick Harris and you’d have the ultimate dream team of awesomeness (I’d include Christopher Walken, but then the universe would probably implode.) The Turn-Out: Great movie. Definitely more “Indiana Jones” than the last Indiana Jones movie. There’s some solid action sequences, some great performances, and lots of humor. It all follows a Belgian reporter’s quest to uncover the story behind an ancient model ship and the people who’ll kill to get their hands on it. As a fan, I’m impressed to see at least four mostly unrelated books in the series all mixed in together to form a cohesive story. One Gripe: Call it me setting too high a standard for this movie, but in spite of how good it is… something keeps nagging at me: the one-take motorcycle chase. It’s the coolest part of the movie, yes, but it feels wrong to see it shot in one take. There’s so many things going on that to properly register the whole sequence, it needs to be cut and edited from different angles so that the comic timing works better. I had the same problem with another mo-cap movie – Zemeckis’ “A Christmas Carol” – where all the one-take scenes feel like I’m on a Turbo Ride. Besides, I think doing action sequences in one take has long since worn out its novelty since video games have been doing it for years (re: Uncharted, God of War, Call of Duty, etc.) Maybe that’s the style they were going for, or maybe I’m just getting old – but I still think some classic editing would have improved the most exciting part of the movie tenfold. One More Gripe: The opening credits needed this music.
Puss-in-Boots Bad kitty?: You will hear that SO many times in this movie. General Impressions: Actually, I like the idea of centering a movie around Puss-in-Boots. Much like Jack Sparrow, he’s a side-character who can carry his own franchise. As usual, the animation is top-notch, and the cat jokes alone make this a perfect movie for any cat lover. Also, props to Dreamworks for creating a Shrek spin-off that doesn’t contain any pop culture jokes whatsoever (not including the Lady Gaga song during the credits.) What didn’t click with me: I don’t think this needed to be a fairy tale mash-up. Even if it takes place in Shrek’s universe, this movie could have held its own ground by using original characters and settings more appropriate to Puss’ story. It didn’t need Jack & Jill, it didn’t need the beanstalk, it didn’t need the golden goose, and it especially didn’t need Humpty-Dumpty who seems to take up more screen-time than the title character. The cat stuff alone was hilarious – so what’s wrong with simply making a movie about swashbuckling cats?
Immortals Main Impression: This is not a good date movie. Why not?: It’s 300 meets “torture porn.” With a lot of gory blood-splatter thrown in. Don’t even bring your grandmother to this. Good movie otherwise?: Not really, no. If you know anything about mythology, it gets everything wrong. If you know anything about screen-writing, it gets everything wrong. But if you enjoy movies that have the occasional “cool shot” that tries to make up for the long boring talking and torture parts, then this movie gets everything right. A Helpful Suggestion: Can somebody in Hollywood please play “God of War” already? That game set the standard for how awesome and epic the Greek Gods and Titans can be. In “God of War,” the Titans are mountain-sized cosmos-controlling colossi. In “Immortals,” they’re just a bunch of dumb-ass zombies in a box. It’s sad when after all these recent Greek myth movies, Disney’s “Hercules” is still the closest we have to an actual “God of War” movie.
The Smurfs Why did you watch this?!: This movie keeps coming on Veetle at school, and while I do have the option to switch it off and watch something else, part of me felt compelled to just see the disaster for myself. So on a day when I was alone in the lab, I checked it out so no one would see me watching it. Worst movie ever?: Ehhhh… not really, no. People have been scratching their eyes out over this movie, but as far as badness goes, it’s really no more average than the Chipmunk movies. Better than Garfield, that’s for sure. It has its moments. Some bad, some okay… I’ll admit, I laughed during most the cat scenes. Seriously – there’s a part where Gargamel sucks his cat up into a vacuum cleaner, and because they make the cat look photo-realistic, the scene becomes just a hundred times funnier. In fact, the cat and Gargamel are the only reasons to watch this movie. There’s one part where it’s implied that Neil Patrick Harris is on his way to beat Gargamel to death with a crowbar. We never see the beating, but the abstract suggestion alone is too awesome not to mention. Some concern: The Smurfs hole themselves up in an apartment and live with a pregnant woman… and then they run amuck, causing her to chase after them and clean up their messes. You know someone’s doing a Smurf movie wrong when I’m spending too much time worrying about the Smurfs causing a miscarriage.
Man, I’ve been behind on my movie reviews. Then again, I think I only saw about three new movies in the last three month. I haven’t even been torrenting stuff lately. But here’s what I got.
Rise of the Planet of the Apes In One Word: MONKEY! Beforehand: This was one of those movies I was iffy about just because I thought “Planet of the Apes” was one of those outdated sci-fi movies that gets more ridiculous as time goes on – so I kept thinking “do we really need a prequel to show us how the apes become our masters? Are audiences outside of Homer Simpson still afraid of talking monkeys? Weren’t three of the original five movies based around that same concept and didn’t they suck?” Aftermath: This is one is really quite good. Unlike the trailer (which built the apes up to be villains) the movie does a much better job of depicting them as the heroes – so once they run around creating havoc, I stopped caring about mankind and just rooted for the monkeys. And the monkeys are just a treat to watch. Most of the film depicts their captivity like a cell block, so all the prisoner archetypes are there and nicely performed without dialogue. Andy Serkis does another amazing job as Caesar, and I have to wonder why he’s the only guy who ever makes motion-capture look good.
Cars 2 The Word of Mouth: For some reason, we didn’t get this movie here for two months (in spite of the fact that Pixar has a studio just 20 minutes away.) In that time, I kept hearing bad things about how this was “Pixar’s worst movie ever” – so when I went in to see it, it was partly an experiment to see what on earth could qualify as a “bad Pixar movie.” And the verdict?: A “bad Pixar movie” doesn’t even exist. In fact, I think what’s got the critics’ panties in a twist is that the last few Pixar films all sold themselves on pushing our emotional buttons. “Cars 2″ doesn’t do that. There is no moment in the movie where we start crying because of our nostalgic attachment to the characters. It’s just Mater in what’s otherwise a well-executed spy romp in the style of an action-comedy blockbuster. So the cars are spies now?: Yes. Pixar took the concept of turning a tow truck into a globe-trotting spy and made it work. The action sequences are creative, the twists are clever, and the sets look amazing. I can’t even compare this to the first movie because of how different it is. It’s like comparing “Ratatouille” to “Wall-E” – two completely different but very good movies, and neither one can really be better than the other As far as a “Cars” sequel could go, this is actually pretty good and not deserving of the bad word-of-mouth. It’s still way better than most of the movies I’ve seen this year. But it’s no “Toy Story 3.”: And for that I’m glad. I remember one of my Facebook friends writing “Toy Story 3 raped me emotionally” last year, and to be honest, I was getting sick of the emotional downpour too. I still believe Pixar will be the first to kill off a main character someday, but until then, I like seeing the studio mix it up. This is why Pixar is still my favorite.
Real Steel It is: Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots. And pretty good. Boxing guy fights with robots. Meets his estranged son. They bond as they restore an old fighting robot together, then it turns into “Rocky 3000.” I want: “Real Steel” to become the new “Rocky” series. No, I want it to COPY the “Rocky” series. Next movie, I want to see the two main robots go for a rematch. Then I want to see Mr. Robo-T show up. Then in “Real Steel IV,” I want to see the robot go fight in Russia. The maybe have the robot retire to the streets and teach an ungrateful punk how to fight, only to return to robot boxing in a “twenty years later” sequel. There’s so many possibilities for this franchise to have so little possibilities!
Did I seriously only post two blog thingies in the last month? Man, I’m losing track of time.
Captain America: The First Avenger What did you think?: Here’s the only movie this year I went in with zero expectations for. It’s also the only one that exceeded my expectations for miles. This is a GREAT movie! Lots of action, great visuals, some good laughs, and some great performances out of Tommy Lee Jones and Chris Evans. Evans actually does a great job of disappearing into the role. The film is also brilliantly directed, re-capturing the same 1930′s charisma that made movies like “The Rocketeer” so great. No disappointment?: Nope. In fact, I found Captain America is the only hero I rooted for this summer. What about Thor? He saves… the bad guys from the bad guy. Green Lantern?: He wussed out after basic training and went home! Kung Fu Panda?: Stole the spotlight from the much more interesting Furious Five. Optimus Prime?: His catch phrase has gone from “Roll out!” to pretty much “Roar! I’ll kill you all!” X-Men… oh, wait…: I wanted to see Magneto WIN! So on that top of that: Captain America doesn’t have any of that typical annoying character development. No fears or insecurities to overcome, no quest for vengeance, no wants or needs other than to do the right thing. It’s a nice reprieve from all the flawed heroes we get in movies. Sometimes I just want to see a good solid static character save the day from super-nazis. It’s good solid fun with lots of laughs and thrills. And stay after the credits. Worth it.
Cowboys & Aliens So…: Total opposite of Captain America! In other words: complete let-down. Complete?!: Okay, not complete – I really enjoyed the first half hour of this where Daniel Craig was kicking all kinds of Shia Laboeuf ass. It’s AFTER the aliens show up that the movie just goes downhill. What happens then? See, that’s where it stops being a gimmicky western and just turns into a run-of-the-mill creature flick. They run off to save the townsfolk and then we get scene after scene of boring campfire stories and retarded gorilla aliens who seem to be pulled out of “Super 8″ running around and knocking over horses. The Most Annoying Thing: They brought advanced weapons – why aren’t they using them? And why are they studying us for weaknesses? We’re human beings – everything from bullets to falling down stairs is our weakness. This is the worst alien invasion ever. Could it be improved?: Yes. In fact, why did this need to be a western? They could tell the same story just by setting it in present day and replacing cowboys with rednecks. If they’re going to make a cliched sci-fi western, they should go that extra mile and at least use some better cliches – bring on an alien bar fight, a high noon showdown, a train robbery – replace the alien invasion with a gang of alien outlaws makin’ trouble fer the townsfolk – anything besides two hours of following spaceships on horse-back.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 Finally saw it?: I finally saw it. I can’t believe it took me four weeks considering I saw every other morning on opening weekend. And the verdict?: It’s not over. It’s never over.
X-Men: First Class So how did you like it?: I still have mixed feelings about it after a month. Right off the bat, I can say this is probably the best movie in the franchise since “X2″ (that one’s my favorite of the bunch.) The story takes itself a little seriously, but at least has fun with itself without falling into C-movie territory. You can tell they’re actually trying to make a good movie for a change. And for what action there is, it’s pretty good. What didn’t you like about it?: It’s not self-contained enough. It tries to stay too consistent with the later movies. I’ll spare all the spoilers, but near the end, you can tell they’re trying to force in a bunch of plot elements to show us “how this character became that” and other things that could be better saved for a sequel. Also, the biggie… What’s the biggie?: The good guys are total dicks in this movie. Why do the heroes treat Mystique like a freak? Red hair, blue skin, shapely curves, likes geek stuff – even by non-mutant standards, she’s pretty damn sexy. In fact, I found myself rooting for the villains more than anything. The best scene comes near the end where a huge catastrophe is about to take place – and I was on the edge of my seat hoping for all hell to break loose until the good guys showed up and ruined everything! I think being buzz-kills is their new mutant power.
Green Lantern So…: It’s “Superman” meets “The Mask” meets “Howard the Duck.” OH DEAR GOD: Not as bad as it sounds, of course. It’s B-movie watchable. The problem is that the film spends so much time building up the idea of an intergalactic peace corps, and yet most of the movie is spent on Earth with Ryan Reynolds trying to hook up with his ex. Once the movie finally went off-world, I got pumped because suddenly something new was happening. The world of Oa was cool, the aliens were awesome, a giant monster is eating the universe – the story was getting interesting! And then Ryan Reynolds just shrugs it off and goes back to Earth to hit on his ex some more. It’s like if “Avatar” kept the guy in a wheelchair for the whole movie. Later, he uses his ring to make lots of goofy weapons and some guy grows a big alien head and turns into a “Howard the Duck” villain.
Super 8 What is it?: This would have made for an awesome Goonies sequel. Hell, maybe it is the Goonies sequel. The fat kid’s in there – just make him scare away the monster with the Truffle Shuffle. Then replace all the other kids with the appropriate characters and yup – you got a Goonies movie. Goonies…?: Goonies, E.T. Close Encounters – the movie’s just a big mash-up of Spielberg movies. It even has the appropriate music and cinematography. This is literally the closest we’ve ever gotten to making an 80′s movie since the 80′s (which is pretty ironic since the story’s theme revolves around “letting go of the past.”); Can Brittany watch it?: Yes she can. It’s not a shakey-cam movie like I was told. In fact, this has the least amount of shakey-cam I’ve seen in a long time. Final Verdict: Overall, this is a really good movie. In fact, I love it. All the kids are incredibly good actors, and to throw in children as the stars of a sci-fi horror situation puts a new twist on the genre. It has some good laughs, some good scares, some good effects, and an overall good story. This is my recommendation of the summer so far.
Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon What’s the damage?: If you walk in expecting lots of Baysplosions, over-done comic relief, annoying robot sidekicks, a story that doesn’t make any sense, and incredibly awesome special effects, then the film should easily meet all your expectations. 3D makes Michael Bay a better director: I don’t recommend seeing it in 3D because frankly, you won’t even notice it. But because Michael Bay used an expensive 3D camera, he couldn’t shake it around so much, making the action sequences a lot more watchable. This is the first Transformers movie where I can actually tell what’s going on (except for the half dozen times where I thought Megatron was killed – seriously, why can’t they make the Decepticons look different from one another!) Too much… comedy?: I heard they were cutting back on the parents’ scenes, so I assumed the movie would be more serious this time. I was wrong. Instead, Sam gets a job in the most ridiculous office ever, and comic actors all show up to put on over-blown comedy routines that put even “Iron Man 2″ to shame. You want to see robots fighting? Maybe later, after we see John Malkovich get into a tickle-fight with Bumblebee, or watch Ken Jeong drop his pants and mug for the camera. I can’t tell if I’m watching Transformers or an Ernest movie. But the action?: This does have some freakin’ awesome scenes – I’ll say that much. And the action keeps GOING. Every time I think the movie’s almost over, there’s another half hour of Baysplosions left to go. In fact, this movie has an opposite problem from all the other movies I’ve seen this year: now there’s TOO MUCH action. And this just makes me feel more jipped about “X-Men” and “Green Lantern,” because this movie is proof that Hollywood is holding back. In fact, now they’re over-shooting the mark (which, sadly, is a welcome change.)
Bonus Reaction to Jack Black’s “Gulliver’s Travels”
WHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?????
No really, why? Who green-lights a movie like that? Who reads “Jack Black saves the day by peeing on everyone” in a script and actually goes through the trouble of filming it? I AM ANGRY.
I’ll probably be seeing a lot more movies in the months to come now that I’m just a couple blocks walk away from the theater – and because the class keeps arranging movie nights.
Oh, yeah – spoiler warnings ahead!
THOR THOR SMASH!: Yeah, I thought this was a pretty sweet movie. I had my doubts about it because I thought it would end up like “Iron Man 2″ where they’d overplay the comedy and have little to no action for two hours. And that’s actually how it turned out – except for some reason I enjoyed it. What action there is looks great, and when the comedy starts, the tone of the movie is changed so drastically that it feels like we’ve entered a completely different movie. But even the ridiculous dramatic parts in Asgard are attention-grabbers – this movie is a good example of how presentation can make or break a movie. The Love Story: This also stuck out at me. Instead of trying to sell itself as a typical movie love story where both the boy and girl treat each other like forbidden fruit, the chemistry between Thor and Natalie Portman comes across more like two ordinary people just checking each other out as booty call prospects. It should have just ended with Thor making the phone sign to her and whispering “call me.” That would have been awesome. Nitpicking: To nitpick, I would complain that it’s one of those movies where the action sequences get progressively less awesome as the film goes on. I know the battle against the Frost Giants is hard to top, but come on people – try! When the Destroyer shows up, I want to see Thor get thrown around a bit more! Demolish a house! Trash a train! Make more craters! Anything! What sold this movie for me: So there was this drunk guy sitting in the front row, and he must have been a HUGE comic book fan, because every time he saw a character or thing he recognized, he started squealing like a little fan-girl. And this would have been annoying if he didn’t have this amazing sing-song voice that he kept squealing in which was probably more entertaining than the whole movie itself. Nothing topped him after the credits when he just sang out: “It’s the cuuuuuube, baby! Oooooohhhhhhhhhhh, shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!”
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES Why I was excited for this: No Orlando Bloom or Keira Knightly to weigh down the movie! Yes! What they ended up doing anyway: “Hey, let’s invent two new annoying characters to fill in the sappy love story void left behind by our last two annoying characters! And let’s make their romance even more implausible!” Seriously – the movie would have been ten times better if Jack’s love story was the only one in the movie. Now we’ve got some missionary making swoony eyes at a mermaid and… making up names for her? Okay, really – where did he get “Serena?” Is she telepathic? Do they have some magical connection? Is he retarded? I like to think the movie ends with her drowning him, but he probably gets turned into a mermaid anyway. Why is this in the movie again? Otherwise: Pretty good movie! The first two are still my favorites, but I find this one’s still far more entertaining and coherent than the third. Captain Jack can carry a movie by himself easily. I also liked the characterization of Blackbeard, where he’s lounging around in Voodoo Hell and everything about him is so predictably evil, but fun to watch anyway. In a way, he’s a lot like the Demon Pirate LeChuck (meaning POTC continues to ruin any chance of a Monkey Island movie.)
KUNG FU PANDA 2 Better than the First?: I seem to be at odds with a few people from my class regarding this, because I still feel the first one is the stronger movie. I like that the new one comes up with some darker plot elements like Po’s quest for revenge and how they portray the great threat to kung fu as something that’s somewhat historically accurate. But otherwise, I felt this one crossed the line by being “too Jack Black.” I do like Jack Black, mind you, but I think even he’d be annoyed by himself in this one. I’d like to see other members of the Furious Five get their own spotlights for a change – I mean, come on – you’ve got David Cross and Jackie Chan in there – let them do their thing! Big Nitpick for Me: There’s nothing to top the rope bridge battle from the first movie! In fact, none of the action sequences even stand up to some of the best scenes from the first movie. There’s a rickshaw chase and collapsing building, sure, and there’s even a really good scene with some ships at the end – but my problem with the action sequences in the new movie is that they’re too dirty and overwhelming. You’ve got the Furious Five and Po running into every battle, fighting hundreds of wolves at once, with hundreds of things happening around them, and there’s no focus. Just a lot of crap happening at once. I think I’d rather see “Kung Fu Panda 3″ make a return to the one-on-one battles because 10-on-1000 is too much to take in during a camera take. But overall…: I still enjoyed it. In spite of all the on-screen crap, the story does keep moving, and it does hit me pretty hard at a couple parts, especially at the end. I still look forward to “Kung Fu Panda 3.”
BONUS MOVIE: THE TROLL HUNTER What is it?: It’s like “The Blair Witch Project” or “Cloverfield” – except it didn’t piss me off. A bunch of documentary film-makers are following a poacher around Norway only to find out that he hunts trolls for a living. Most of it is just scene after scene of them running through the forest and shaking the camera around, but it’s worth it for the VFX shots whenever the Hunter goes man-to-man against these monsters. Those scenes with the mountain troll kick so much ass! What it should be: A video game. I want to be the Troll Hunter and I want to run around the woods blowing up trolls and turning them to stone. There is so much potential for an epic video game to come out of this movie.
I Am Number Four So what is it?: Imagine “Dawson’s Creek” meets “Twilight,” but with aliens. Better than Twilight at least?: Of course, but that’s not saying much. This is one of those movies where it takes them an hour or so to develop the characters, nothing much happens except swoony-eyed teenager moments, and then all the cool stuff happens in the last 20 minutes. Then it segues into a cliffhanger ending for a sequel we’ll probably never see. Thank you, Hollywood, for your continued lack of foresight. Cliffhanger Syndrome: I’m fed up with this crap already. If you’re adapting an obscure book series into a feature film, DON’T end the first movie on a cliffhanger. Don’t have the main characters wink at the camera as if to say “thanks for sitting through 90 minutes of exposition! Join us next time when the REAL adventure begins!” The Golden Compass, Jumper, Push, Eragon, – you’re all guilty of this. I want to see the real adventure IN THE FIRST MOVIE. Good word-of-mouth comes from how good your movie is, not how good the next one will be. Save the cliffhangers for the sequels if you have to. Otherwise, all you’re making is a 90-minute trailer for a movie that might never happen. But that’s how it ends in the book!: Then adapt both books into one movie. Or just change the ending. That’s what they did in “Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief.” They removed the book’s cliffhanger ending, made it into a stand-alone film, and now it’s actually getting a sequel. There’s a lesson to be learned here.
Red Riding Hood So what is…: It’s another Twilight movie. But better than Twilight, right?: About the same. It’s tween porn. Between this and Number Four, these movies really need to come with a label. Any redeeming factors?: Uhhh… I thought the village looked pretty cool. And the first time we see a wolf made me jump in my seat. Not much else. But other than that…: To be honest, I just wanted to talk through this movie – it’s just begging to be mocked when you watch it. I mean, come on – how can this lowly woodcutter be dirt-poor if he’s the only other guy in town who can clearly afford tons of hair gel? And then there’s this scene at the end, where the girl is trying to lure the bad guy into a false sense of security and the bad guy’s just blindly wandering into the most obvious trap ever as if expecting her to be handing out candy. And don’t get me started on the love triangle (SPOILER: she secretly picks one guy, and the other guy just magically starts leaving her alone. It’s the most half-assed “happily ever after” ever!)
Sucker Punch So what is it?: Five hot chicks try to escape from a mental asylum. This is accompanied by several vignettes that all take place in the main character’s head where she and her friends enter an assortment of fantasy worlds and proceed to kick all kinds of ass. It’s insane. The Budget: I really want to know: how the heck did they do this on an $82M budget? This has to be one the best looking movies I’ve ever seen. The special effects are ground-breaking, the animation is hard-hitting, the action sequences just keep going, the settings and camera-work are top-notch – even “Iron Man 2″ didn’t have a fraction of this quality, and that one cost three times as much to make. I’m really kind of pissed off that out of all the superhero movies being made, none of them even try to be this awesome. The Downside: People are obviously going to complain about the weirdness of the story, and in truth, it is an acquired taste. It’s a mixture of 300, Chicago, Shutter Island, Sky Captain, and Heavy Metal all rolled into one. Some people will be all like “this is SO awesome” and others will say “I don’t get it.” Those other people are party poopers (that’s why we invited you, party pooperrrrrrrrrrr.)
Limitless It is good?: Yeah, it’s good. It’s that one about the guy who take a pill that enables him 100% use of his brain. Then he becomes super-smart and successful and must deal with the consequences and so on. It has a good blend of drama, comedy, and odd bits of action here and there. I liked it – it kept me engaged to see how a man might act if all of his potential were unlocked at once. It makes for a pretty cool watch. You would use that power for evil, wouldn’t you?: Eventually.
The Green Hornet The Quick Word: This is an awesome movie and Jay Chou absolutely steals the show as Kato. I used to listen to the old radio show every day at work (online streaming) and it seems like they took both the characters of the Hornet and Kato and poured them both into Kato – leaving Seth Rogen to act like the wacky comic relief/hero/himself. It’s a weird twist on the Hornet concept, but I like it. More action or more comedy?: A good balance of both. The action sequences are already over-the-top, so it’s easy to slip comedy into the mix. There’s a lot of great scenes with the Hornet’s car, Kato’s weird martial arts effects are interesting to watch, and I’m surprised how many people get killed in this movie. Every other scene, you see someone get crushed to death by some random falling thing. Worth watching?: It doesn’t skimp on anything, and I like the “Pineapple Express” approach they take to the movie, so yeah. Approval.
Shutter Island Finally got around to watching it?: Yes. Much like the Academy, I’d completely forgotten about this Martin Scorsese movie, and it took almost a whole year before I finally sat down to watch it. And…?: Honestly, this is a pretty cool movie. The ending is really left up to debate, but the rest of it really kept me on my toes as I tried to piece together the puzzle. It’s not often I come across a movie where I feel involved enough to take mental notes as Leonardo DiCaprio interviews crazy people and explores the island. It’s a very engaging film. I like it.
The Social Network Status Update: Chris is revoking his geek status, on account of how he can’t follow any internet-related discussion in this movie. “If we re-route the PHP servers to re-direct image results to our MySQL database and overflow the LAN traffic, we could get 22000 hits!” Sure you could! Why not? So…: Not a big fan of this movie, actually. I’m not a big fan of business dramas in general, and nearly every line in this dialogue is centered around internet protocol or business ethics. A movie about Facebook should not leave me feeling so lost. There’s some good scenes in it, that’s for sure. I like the bits where they explain the psychology behind why Facebook is so popular; why we crave to keep using it. And it has it’s share of humor (throwing the beer bottles.) But otherwise, it feels like they packed more drama into a true story than there probably ever was. Chance for a sequel?: It also occurred to me that you could write a whole other drama about Facebook. Not about the business side of it or the origins – but the people who use it. Maybe it’d be a good subject for a documentary, but just go look on your news feed if you use FB. Ever since FB began, I’ve been noticing a slow trend towards insanity with many of my “friends” status updates. What was once a very excitable community is now a wall of existential madness. People are tearing their own hearts out, crying for attention, and otherwise posting their insecurities to the world. And they completely forget – I can’t do anything about it. Not if they live in another town or country. I can send a message or poke them, but otherwise, all I can do is watch my friends deteriorate. Facebook is crushing the souls of millions – now there’s an idea for a movie!
Justin Bieber: Never Say Never You didn’t actually see this, did you?: Nah. I just wanted an excuse to post this clip.
All right, folks! The moment you’ve been waiting for! Explosions! Gunfire! Karate! Nunchucks! Robots! Pirates! Ninjas! Vikings! Tubas! It’s the Smashie Awards 2010!!!!!
10. Crank 2: High Voltage
Damn it!
You know what? Forget it. A-Team? Expendables? Tron? Kick-Ass? Anybody good with those? Yeah? Me too. Good. Moving on.
In all honesty, it’s been a pain picking out ten this year for two reasons. 1) Because I didn’t attempt to watch all the major action movies this year, and 2) because most action movies are swapping out action sequences for… more character development. Like how “Iron Man 2″ was hyped to be the year’s biggest action movie, and most of it was just Tony partying and making jokes about strawberries and radiation poisoning. The pacing is off all over the place lately. Even “The Expendables” spent an unnecessary amount of time on the story when there should have been more punching of explosions.
Anyway, until times change back, I’ll just put the Smashies on the back-burner and do what every other blogger does:
Talk about my favorite movies.
My Five Favorite Movies of 2010
5. Predators
I can’t believe it took “Predator 2,” “Alien vs. Predator,” and “Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem” before we finally got a movie that was worth calling a sequel. And as blasphemous as it sounds, I liked it a lot better than the first movie. But that’s the way it should go. Much like “Aliens” and “Terminator 2″ before it, I think “Predators” is one of those rare sequels which is better than the original (sorry, Arnie.)
I also think this is the movie “The Expendables” should have been, where they literally drop all the action stars into a situation that requires them to fight for 90 minutes. In “Predators,” a group of trained killers, mercenaries, and convicts are thrown into an alien game preserve where they have to outsmart several Predators and their twisted hunting methods. The movie doesn’t waste any time throwing us into the action, and once the movie gets deeper in, we start to find out that each person is here for a reason. It’s like the movie “Cube,” but with less math and more fire. Adrien Brody’s great as the new Schwarzenegger, Laurence Fishburne’s all kind of crazy awesome, and there’s even an old-fashioned samurai sword fight. Followed by more fire. Why shouldn’t I love this movie?
4. Alice in Wonderland
I really enjoyed this movie when it first came out (and I really don’t think there’s a better-looking film this year) but all the little things kept nagging at me. When did Wonderland turn into “Lord of the Rings?” Why doesn’t Alice just eat a mushroom and stomp on the Jabberwocky? Why can’t the Cheshire Cat just vaporize the Queen? Why is there even a plot?
After a few viewings, however, I had to remind myself that Wonderland is a place that only exists in Alice’s mind, and that as she grows older, Wonderland becomes this meta-physical world Alice uses to fight her own personal battles. After realizing that, the movie became a lot cooler, and I understood that the film wasn’t supposed to be any more logical than Alice herself. It’s a really fun movie to psycho-analyze. And if psycho-analysis isn’t your thing, at least there’s always Helena Bonham Carter and her gigantic head screaming for a warm pig belly while monkeys hold up her furniture.
3. How To Train Your Dragon
So how did this get here instead of “Toy Story 3?” Don’t get me wrong – I love both movies. But while TS3 is a great way to end a franchise, I thought I’d give this spot to “Dragon” just because it’s a great beginning to a new franchise.
What absorbs me into this movie is how they explore the whole viking vs. dragon lifestyle. It’s like “Pokemon,” where every dragon is different with special abilities, only unlike Pokemon, it doesn’t make me want to go brain-dead. I want to see these dragons in action, and I want to see what the characters do about them. And it also helps that with Chris Sanders as director, all the animation is a treat to look at, so both visually and story-wise, nothing in the film loses my attention.
I can see this movie spawning a few sequels, but unlike Shrek, I can’t see those sequels wearing out their welcome as quickly since there’s a lot left to work with. Out of all the Dreamworks Animation films, this one has the most heart.
2. Inception
What’s to say about Inception at this point that hasn’t already been said? Here’s a movie where they put a twist right at the beginning of the movie, and then twist the twist a couple times at the end. Of course, it’s so complicated that if you miss one minute of the movie, you’ll be lost for the rest of it. Still, it’s the originality and the pace of it all that works. I like Leonardo DiCaprio and Ellen Page, I like the special effects and action sequences, and I like the overall story.
I also like how this is one of the few movies that really lived up to the hype for me. I’ll admit “The Dark Knight” isn’t in my top five Batman movies, so when I when I heard the praise for “Inception,” I figured that was the Nolan fans over-hyping everything. But nope – I walked out and had to agree: this was a pretty sweet movie.
1. Scott Pilgrim vs The World
No surprise here, as I mentioned before that this is one of my new favorite movies. The plot moves quickly, the dialogue is memorable, the characters are hilarious, the soundtrack is fantastic, and it’s one of the few action movies where the battles really do get better and better.
But much like Alice or Inception, it’s another movie I can appreciate on a meta-physical level. As the director stated, “Scott Pilgrim is like a musical, only instead of breaking out into song, everyone breaks out into fights.” So it’s a really clever way of taking a story about dealing with complicated relationships and turning it into “Kung Fu Hustle.” Or rather, I like to think of it as a spoof on romantic-comedies done in the style of a video game. There’s plenty of ways to look at the movie and enjoy it on different levels. In any case, it’s an experience.
I also think this movie is the best thing to happen to absurdist comedy since “Airplane” or “The Naked Gun.” Every time I watch it, I see something new in the background (like Young Neil eating money off the ground, or a stove that comes with a laugh-track.) And the best parts never seem to run dry. I can watch the Vegan Police high-five over and over again and it never stops being funny (I think their enthusiasm is contagious.)
Anyway, I think in the end, the story’s all wrapped up very nicely – and in a very different (but just as creative) way as it was in the book. It’s a feel-good film that gets me pumped every time, and after my umpteenth viewing of it, I’m still laughing.
