A while ago, I blogged a small article about the Five Disney Villains I Feel Sorry For. Lately, I’ve been wanting to do another article that focuses on the opposite – where the villains do their nasty deeds, and barely get reprimanded for it. No humiliating defeats, no karmic retribution, no falling off buildings, no time spent in prison – sometimes Disney just likes to end their movie without tying up the biggest loose end and here’s my picks for the five that get the most on my nerves.
5. Stromboli (Pinnochio)
His Crimes: Prone to violent fits of rage, Stromboli has been known to lose his temper over trivial problems in his marionette show – and has gone as far as to attack his performers on-stage. When Pinnochio helps him put on one of his most successful shows, Stromboli decides to lock the living puppet in a cage and force him to perform under the threat of turning Pinnochio into firewood. His Come-Uppance: Jiminy Cricket and the Blue Fairy help Pinnochio escape Stromboli’s puppet show of the damned. Pinnochio later returns wearing blue face paint and inspires the other puppets to revolt against their master. Stromboli is curb-stomped to death on his own stage. No, wait – that didn’t happen: My mistake. Pinnochio just escapes. Stromboli still has his puppet show and his incurable rage. He was also apparently very successful before Pinnochio even came along, so all he’d have to do is chalk the boy puppet up to a “one night only” thing. After venting his frustration for a few days, Stromboli probably bought himself something very nice with all that money he made from the first show and continued his comfortable life as a traveling puppet gypsy guy.
4. Si & Am (Lady and the Tramp)
Their Crime: They destroy the entire house, fake injuries, and blame it on the dog. Lady gets put into a muzzle and some stuff at the zoo happens. I can’t remember since I haven’t seen the movie in forever. But I do recall she almost gets eaten by a crocodile because of it. Their Come-Uppance: After spending several years in prison, Lady escapes, comes into a small fortune, and spends several more years creating a new identity for herself so she can exact her revenge. She then finds both cats and strangles them in their sleep with her own muzzle. No. Wait: They high-five each other with their tails, the scene fades, and that’s the last we ever see of them.
3. Lady Tremaine (Cinderella)
Her Crime: Guilty of holding her step-daughter Cinderella captive for many years, forcing her to act as a scullery maid in her own home and encouraging her step-daughters to treat her like dirt. This in turn causes Cinderella to grow up and hallucinate about talking mice and pumpkin-mobiles. And when the Prince comes looking for Cinderella, what does Lady Tremaine do? Lock Cinderella in her room, of course. She hates the little girl’s guts, but refuses to let her leave. That’s all kinds of twisted. Her Come-Uppance: Cinderella’s mice break her out of her room, and Cinderella gets to go be a princess. Yay! That’ll show you, Lady Tremaine! Or does it?: Oh, wait. No. Never mind. All in all, this is just an inconvenience on Tremaine’s part as she no longer has free room service. After several years of slavery, she doesn’t even get so much as a slap on the wrists for the abuse she’s inflicted on the poor girl. In fact, it took two straight-to-video sequels before anyone even put her in her place by turning her into a scullery maid. But because that happened in a parallel reality after a bizarre time-travel caper, it doesn’t count. Alternate Come-Uppance: If I recall, birds pecked her eyes out in the original story. Why did Disney leave that part out?
2. Cruella De Vil (101 Dalmations)
Her Crime: Arranged the kidnapping of 99 Dalmation puppies with intent to murder and skin them for a new fur coat. I have no idea what she intended to do with the 99 puppy corpses, and we probably don’t want to know. Her Come-Uppance: The puppies escape and, during a high-speed chase, her car goes off a hill and crashes, costing her tons of money. She then goes to jail for theft and is promptly eaten by guard dogs while attempting her escape. That didn’t happen!: You’re right. She’s still alive, and not arrested. She just crashed her car (for being a “crazy woman driver” as the trucker puts it) and the puppies got away. And being incredibly wealthy, she probably just bought a new car the next day. But what about the puppies? Surely she didn’t follow them, or find out that they returned to Roger and Anita, right? Well, imagine this – you just pulled off the theft of 99 puppies, lost them all in a humiliating fashion, destroyed your car, are severely pissed off, and then you found out that Anita’s husband just wrote a song about you and it’s getting tons of radio-play. The first thing you’ll want to do is blow off steam by marching down to Anita’s and giving Roger a piece of your mind, only to find… all 99 puppies that you just lost. So what’s to keep Cruella from having them kidnapped again in an insane revenge plot? Or suing Roger for his song and taking his Dalmation Plantation for herself so she can mass-produce doggy coats? No matter what, nothing after the end credits bodes well for the dogs.
1. Edgar Bergen – Fun and Fancy Free
His Crime: Here’s an oddball of a villain that most people don’t even consider. In the second half of the anthology film “Fun and Fancy Free,” Jiminy Cricket decides to attend a party after finding an invitation in the house he’s hanging out in. From there, the film becomes live-action, and we’re introduced to Edgar Bergen dressed in a stupid hat as he entertains his guests by telling them the story of “Mickey and the Beanstalk.” Innocent so far, right? Well, here’s the thing: his guests include two puppets and a little girl. And the puppets have been drinking heavily. So let’s re-paint this picture: Jiminy Cricket found an invitation in a little girl’s room to come to Edgar’s party, where the little girl is being entertained by three full-grown and very drunken men, two of which are hiding under the couch controlling those creepy puppets. Maybe the puppets were invited too? Nope. Their names are on the invitation as hosts. All three men threw this drinking party for the sole purpose of luring in this little nine year-old girl. This is arguably one of the most disturbing things ever put into a Disney movie. Their Come-Uppance: Jiminy Cricket recognizes the situation and runs home to tell the little girl’s parents who immediately call the police. All three men are hauled away in paddy-wagons and the girl is returned to her family. Really?: No. Jiminy starts drinking too and joins the party. Fortunately, the giant from the beanstalk story makes an appearance in the real world and startles Edgar so much that he faints. So what’s the Problem?: Most people recover from fainting in minutes, and it doesn’t change the fact that when Jiminy leaves the party, the little girl is still at the mercy of the two puppeteers under the couch. On the whole, “Fun and Fancy Free” is a fun movie in itself if you ignore the horrifying truth that this poor girl isn’t going home tonight. This is what happens when half the Disney animators get drafted into war.
So what’s a Tron?: Tron is a security program designed for the purpose of protecting Encom’s servers from the scourge of the Master Control Program. Inside the computer world, he appears as a human covered in neon lights who plays frisbee. So this movie is about Tron then?: No, he’s barely in it. But because he has a cool name, he gets to have the movie named after him. So then what’s the deal with this movie?: It’s a sequel made 28 years after the first one, which is just enough to confuse all the movie-goers who didn’t even know the first one exists. It has Jeff Bridges playing the Dude from the first movie and getting trapped in his own version of Reboot’s Mainframe, causing his son to come rescue him. It’s pretty awesome. I love the action sequences, and Jeff Bridges plays two different kinds of bad-ass in it. There is a bit of a lull in the movie during the middle part, but the rest is all pretty good and kind of goose-bumpy. Dude. Reboot vs. Tron. Think about the possibilities: That’s too much awesome geekiness for the world to handle.
Tangled
Why is it called Tangled?: Disney’s marketing department decided boys don’t want to see movies about girls and changed it from “Rapunzel.” So they went with a hair-pun. To me, that’s like calling The Little Mermaid “All Wet” but what’s done is done. Incidentally, the marketing department also hid the fact that it’s a musical. This is sad, because the world needs to know that they’ve gone back to using Alan Menken songs, and we’re free of Randy Newman’s tyranny. And how is it?: I was apprehensive at first because I was only going in with all the word-of-mouth this movie was getting. But now that I’ve slept on it… holy smokes, it’s really good. This is exactly the kind of movie that fits in with all the real Disney classics. It has the humor, the characters, the story, the musical numbers and atmosphere which all make it work (and the lack of pop-culture references.) It’s also animated in a way that makes it look like a 2D movie if you squint your eyes and pretend all the textures and shadows aren’t there. I enjoyed it the first time, but I have a feeling I’ll like it a lot more when I see it again. Nitpick: My biggest complaint is that while they’re trying to re-invent the Disney animated musical, they’re still falling back on too many old Disney ideas. There’s a lot of throw-backs to other Disney films like “Cinderella” and “Beauty and the Beast,” and during the boat scene, I kept expecting two eels to capsize them. And while the songs are good, only about two of them are catchy while the others fall back into “generic forgettable musical number” territory. But so far, none of this was enough to actually ruin the movie experience for me. The Best Part: The horse steals the show. I won’t spill too much, but this is the first time I’ve seen a wacky horse side-kick who was more than just comic relief/transportation. This horse is like if Boba Fett and a Velociraptor had a baby horse, and if Batman kidnapped that baby horse and raised him to be awesome.
Red What is it?: Bruce Willis and a bunch of old people are retired CIA agents who go around hilariously blowing people up. It’s pretty awesome. John Malkovich steals the show. Anything else to add?: Nope. This is a pretty clear-cut movie. It’s funny and action-packed with a great cast.
New DVD: Mystery Team! What is it?: Probably the best comedy no one’s ever heard of. No, really – what is it?: It’s a film from DerrickComedy, about three child detectives who grow up and are still solving kid mysteries. It’s amazingly brilliant, yet still ridiculous and raunchy. Much like DBZ Abridged, it’s one of those rare things I want to keep in my collection so I can show it off to friends and we can make in-jokes about it later. Should I show it to my kids?: Probably not. One random coincidental thing: So a couple weeks ago, my friends and I were watching “Mystery Team” and “Scott Pilgrim” back-to-back, and we suddenly notice that the same girl (Aubrey Plaza) stars in both movies. So we look her up and find out that we just watched two of the only three movies she’s ever been in back-to-back. I thought that was kind of cool. If we had watched “Funny People” too, it would been the most random marathon ever.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (Spoilers!) So.. the verdict?: Pretty enjoyable movie. Some great performances, lots of sudden-impact action and humor, and the scenes they added really fleshed out the first half of the book into a solid story. The worst part (as predicted) was that the whole middle of the movie feels like a never-ending camping trip, where instead of solving mysteries and fighting evil, they just sit around waiting for Harry to do something. So did it need to be a two-parter?: I’ll still say no. Considering they summed up over half the book in one film, and even added some decent filler, I still would have preferred a “Return of the King” style epic where they try to fit the whole book into a three-and-a-half hour film. Part 2 better be padded with awesomeness or it’ll be a very short movie. Any big changes from the book?: The most noticeable change for me is a scene at the beginning which involves Harry’s owl Hedwig heroically fighting a Death Eater before getting blown out of the sky. Somehow, I rather like Hedwig’s death in the movie as opposed to the book – where Hedwig dies when Harry holds her up as a shield. Favorite Scene?: The story of the Deathly Hallows. It’s just cool how they did it for the movie. Does it cut off at the right time?: That was the big question for me throughout the movie: “Where the heck will the cut-off point be?” And I spotted about three different instances where I thought the movie might end. Ultimately, it does end at an appropriate time, and even manages to get a few good action sequences in beforehand, so I didn’t find myself expecting more. The cliffhanger’s pretty good too.
And just for fun, here’s Chester A. Bum and a whole crowd of people re-enacting the movie (Spoilers!)
And more Harry Potter fun – this time with Disney music. Thanks to Marty for finding this one (Book 6 spoilers!)
This is one of those days I always feared would come. Leslie Nielsen has always been a personal hero of mine and now he’s gone at the age of 84. I remember seeing my first Leslie Nielsen movie back in the early, early 90′s – I think it was “Naked Gun 2 1/2″ (yeah, I saw them out of order.) David Zucker’s films had such a great take on parody at the time, and it inspired me to spend a lot of my childhood drawing up spoof comics of my favorite movies (which are all stored in the bottom of my closet somewhere.) But it was always Leslie Nielsen (or Charlie Sheen) who truly made the films shine.
I think what separated Leslie Nielsen from other spoof actors is the fact that, much like his co-star Lloyd Bridges, he was a well-respected dramatic actor years before even starring in “Airplane.” He brought authentic talent and enthusiasm to his roles, so when he reminded someone not to call him Shirley, we would actually believe he thought people were calling him Shirley. The novelty of seeing this great actor take on such crazy roles pretty much launched his career for the next thirty years. And it’s not like today when spoofs just phone in D-list actors for their parts – for him, it all came down to the art of delivering the lines and keeping a straight face when he’s talking into a banana.
Anyhow, I dug out a rather good tribute to his career out of the hundreds that have recently swamped YouTube. Here’s a look at the life of a comedy legend:
I also found someone uploaded one of my favorite scenes from “The Naked Gun,” so watch and enjoy!
Leslie Nielsen, thanks for all the great memories.
I didn’t see any movies at the theater this month, so I won’t be reviewing any new stuff – but I have been re-watching the Harry Potter movies. The final chapter is coming out shortly, so it seemed like a good time to catch up on what all happened.
Just a heads-up – this is not a spoiler-free review. I will ruin endings here.
Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (“Sorceror’s Stone,” for any philosophy-fearing Americans out there.)
Believe it or not, seeing this in the theater was the first time I had ever heard of Harry Potter. Before this, I never heard of the books, didn’t see any movie trailers, or hear any word-of-mouth about it. I didn’t even know it was playing until my friend spontaneously started screaming “WE HAVE TO GO SEE HARRY POTTER NOW!!!” So we drove down to Cold Lake for a midnight showing, and imagine my surprise when I saw the lobby packed. With adults no less – not a single child to be seen anywhere except on the movie poster. I was really out of the loop back then. And it was a pretty damn good movie. I’ve read all the books since then, and even today, I think Chris Columbus did a bang-up job on it. The cast is perfect, the art design is flawless, the music is memorable, and the first movie on it’s own set the standard for the rest of the series. Let’s Nitpick: I’m still peeved with the ending of this movie. Why do the teachers reward Harry’s reckless disregard for the rules by giving him the House Cup? What example are they setting? I want to see a version where they give Harry and his friends all those extra points for defeating Voldemort, but still give the House Cup to Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff because they studied and passed their exams.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (AKA “Harry Potter and the Hurray for Harry Potter”)
On another viewing, I think one is both my favorite, and the most underrated of the series. There’s tons of action, I love the art direction, there’s much darker tones, and what’s more, it’s a perfect stand-alone story where every scene provides yet another subtle clue to the big mystery. There’s no cliffhangers, no villains get away, and you don’t have to start from the first movie to enjoy this one. But on top of that, it’s also probably the most faithful of the movies – dropping virtually nothing from the book (to my recollection anyway.) Let’s Nitpick: The only downside to not dropping anything from the book is that this is probably the longest of the movies. Also, at the end… Dumbledore cancels exams as a reward? Those seventh years really need those exams, Dumbledore. Don’t ruin their lives just to make the 2nd-graders happy. I swear this school system is rigged just to make sure Harry Potter doesn’t have to study.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (AKA “Harry Potter Scared Stupid”)
I know this one’s supposed to be the most critically-acclaimed of the series, but I personally found it to be really silly. They swapped out directors at this point, and then mixed in more slapstick comedy, blue filters, and slow fades-to-black. Although it does have some great visuals, (especially on the scenes with the Dementors and the werewolf) this remains the one movie that really sits on the fence for me. Something about it reminds me of an Ernest movie for some reason. Let’s Nitpick: In the last half-hour of the movie, they use Hermione’s magical hourglass to go back in time and resolve all their problems. Then they proceed to never use this device again in any of the movies (especially when it really matters.) It can’t be that hard to fabricate an hourglass either if the teachers are letting third-graders walk around with them. Also, what’s up with that song at the beginning? Did the music teacher think “Something Wicked This Way Comes” would be a great way to ring in the new school year?
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (AKA “Robert Pattinson and the Stroke of Bad Luck”)
Another director swap at this point (Mike Newell) turns “Goblet of Fire” into a very rushed, but still very entertaining movie. In fact, this one seems more like a sports movie the way they handle it. There’s a lot more school spirit and the students act like real people rather than wizards. The Tri-Wizard tournament lends to some great action sequences as well, and I only just noticed David Tennant (Doctor Who) as one of the bad guys this time around. Awesome! Let’s Nitpick: This one marks the first time that you really can’t jump into a Harry Potter movie without seeing the first three. There’s so many obscure side-characters popping up, and important plot elements are randomly re-introduced from previous movies. Of course, if you’ve gone this far already, you probably already saw the first three.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (AKA “Harry Potter vs. The Establishment”)
With David Yates at the helm, he returns the series to the old Columbus style, albeit more darker, but still retains Mike Newell’s habit of not bothering to provide background information. Still, I think this one’s pretty awesome. Imelda Staunton puts on the best performance of the series as Delores Umbridge – a villain who embodies every despicable thing we could ever hate about a villain. Then we’ve also got Helena Bonham Carter as her awesome freaky self. I really liked the story’s approach to having all the characters rebel against authority – because when wizards rebel, everything explodes. Let’s Nitpick: I’ll tell you this much – the IMAX 3D version sucked (post-conversion crap.) And at the risk of sounding like a book-nerd, I really think they should have put the original ending battle into the movie, because the movie version was pretty lame by comparison.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (aka “Harry Potter and Something Vaguely Sinister is Going On”)
During a second viewing, I realized that there’s really no story in this film. In fact, the book’s the same way. It’s just a series of events throughout the school year that range from terrorist attacks, cheating on tests, and Harry snogging Ron’s sister. In fact, for the first two hours of the movie, there’s no actual mission – no mystery for Harry and the gang to solve, other than how to get their teacher drunk so he can spill the beans on how to defeat Voldemort. After that, the movie begins and ends pretty quickly. Still, I really enjoyed watching a lot of the nonsense as Harry and his friends just fart around all year, especially the scenes where Harry gets high on luck potion. Let’s Nitpick: What bugs me is that throughout the movie is a sub-plot involving Malfoy and a magical cabinet. In the book, this is a relevant plot-point, since the cabinet later enables Voldemort’s henchmen to infiltrate and attack the school, resulting in a chaotic battle between the students and the Death Eaters. Unfortunately, in the movie, the epic battle never happens. They infiltrate the school, mess up the dining hall and then… leave. They do burn down Hagrid’s hut, but otherwise… what’s the point? Why sneak in Death Eaters? Was Hagrid’s hut really that big a threat?
Harry Potter and the Draco Malfoy Puppet (AKA “Draco likes Pliers”)
And there we go! All caught on my wizard stuff. Now I just need to remember every tiny plot detail for the next few weeks until Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Part 1) starts… AKA “Harry Potter and the Neverending Camping Trip.”
By request, I’m going to see about doing movie posts and reviews more often. My previous attempt at “Friday Movie Blogging” last year didn’t really pan out since I didn’t have the time to commit myself to weekly movie articles. It also didn’t help that I rarely even got one comment per post, not exactly making it worth it. Come on – I like to feel loved, people.
I’ll see about moving up these movie reviews to one a month. That way, I’m already talking about movies in the now for a change. And if I don’t watch enough theater movies, I’ll review something random. Onto the last three months in the theater:
The Karate Kid What is it?: Another movie about Jackie Chan not getting along with black people. Better than the first?: Was the first really that great? I think the original movie was sold purely on Mr. Miyagi’s “wax on, wax off” training technique. They apply a similar, but more complicated, version in the new movie with the “take off your coat, drop it, pick it up, hang it up, take it down, put it on” version, which doesn’t roll off the tongue very well. So one point goes to the original. Then again, the original also sold itself on it’s “zero to hero” montages, and I found the new training montages actually made it look like the kid was learning something. There’s a few odd differences here and there, and a strange sub-plot involving a snake, but other than, both are the same movie with no surprises. Hollywood has to stop remaking movies!: I can only agree so far on this. For example, I loved the new “Italian Job,” but I’ve never bothered to watch the original just because it looks lame in comparison. I’m sure it’s a good movie, but my age difference instinctively turns me off the dated style of the film. I’m certain a lot of kids these days go through the same thing, and the only way to get them to sit through the classics is to remake them. While a remake is a studio cash-grab, it can also be considered a way to preserve a classic story. I consider the new Karate Kid movie just another version for today’s youngsters to enjoy.
Shrek Forever After Took you a while to see this one!: No, I saw it back in May. I just forgot about it. So it’s not a memorable movie?: It is if you remember “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Same movie, except with ogres, witches, and Donkey. So worse than the third one? Not worse than the third one, but it still has a straight-to-DVD quality about it. It probably has a few good moments, and I will give them credit for changing the Shrek formula (where usually half the movie is watching Shrek walk somewhere, and the other half is watching him walk back.) But much like the third one, nothing memorable about the film is jumping out at me. But unlike the third one, I don’t feel as angry about having seen this. Favorite Scene?: Yeah… I don’t have one. I usually remember at least one great scene from most movies. Not this one. How about the “ri-donk-ulous” joke? It’s in the trailer, but I’ll let it pass.
Salt Is this that movie about gay people?: No, that’s “Milk.” Quick refresher then: Angelina Jolie. Russian spies. Jumping off overpasses. Any other recap would be loaded with spoilers. So is it good?: If you like political spy thrillers, this is a safe one. It did not incite any negative feelings from me. No huge positive ones either, unfortunately, but at least it was cheap night at the theater.
The Sorceror’s Apprentice Let me guess… you liked it?: I did. But I heard it sucked: So did I. What’s wrong with those people? This is a very entertaining movie. A B-Movie, of course, but closer in the direction of a B+Movie. Lots of imagination, some great action sequences, and it even has the dancing mops with the accompanying music. Actually, by the time it had gotten to the mops, I had completely forgotten that I was watching a movie based on a short from “Fantasia” – so this is a good example of how to work with very little source material. Also, Nicholas Cage rules. Alice in Wonderland, Fantasia… what’s next?: Yeah, Disney’s doing a lot of live-action remakes from their own library lately, including an upcoming “Sleeping Beauty.” I wouldn’t be surprised if they tackled “The Sword and the Stone” or “The Little Mermaid” next. Actually, “Beauty and the Beast,” “Aladdin,” and “Lilo and Stitch” could also be some ideal candidates when it think about it. Live-action versions of those would make some serious bank. So brace yourselves now just in case they do it.
Inception OMG THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER!!!: Hey, I do the reviews!!! But I want to review this movie!: Okay, fine – review it. I don’t know where to start: You know what? Neither do I. It’s just one of those movies, huh?: Yeah. If anyone’s reading this and hasn’t seen the movie yet, just go see the movie already and form your own opinion. Even I can’t complain about it – it’s Christopher Nolan’s best work, and I used to be obsessed with “Memento” years ago. But to describe it would ruin the experience and probably confuse you even further once you do see it. Because it is a very confusing movie and you will need to pay a ton of attention to everything to make sense of it all.
The Expendables So did this movie make your head explode?: If would have if Arnold Schwarzenegger hadn’t been such a dick and walked out in five minutes. President, my ass. You were COMMANDO, Arnie. You get back in here and you help kill terrorists like everyone else! But otherwise?: I think we have a movie on hand that might give “Crank 2″ a run for it’s money. Don’t let Jason Statham hear you say that: But he’s in this movie! I don’t think that matters to Jason Statham: Hmmm… good point. Help me barricade this door.
Scott Pilgrim vs. The World So what is it?: It’s a martial arts sci-fi fantasy, indie-hollywood-bollywood, anime, video game, comic book, sitcom musical romantic-teen comedy spoof… and probably one of the best movies I’ve ever seen. In fact, let’s just say it’s a new kind of film. What? Better than Inception? The Expendables?: “Scott Pilgrim” is a very rare kind of movie: it’s tailor-made for people like me. It celebrates everything I love – the music, the dialogue, the physical humor, the action sequences, the art direction, the pop culture references, the characters, and the overall nonsense just appeal to me on every single level. It’s like they packed all my favorite movies into one and still came up with something original. And not to toot my own horn, but it feels like the movie was planned with the same kind of twisted logic I put into my own projects. There’s even a Ducktales reference in the first two minutes as if the director were secretly sending me a message. Good for you. But good for everyone else?: I can’t see why not. If you’re a self-proclaimed geek and haven’t seen this movie, check it out. It’s the geekiest movie in existence and even features a scene where Donkey Kong fights Double Dragon (or something like that.) But what about Michael Cera? I’m okay with him now. He’s actually a pretty great guy. We’re doing brunch later this week. Then it’s good?: If I had to pick five movies to be trapped on a desert island with, this would be one of them. For me, it’s the funniest movie I’ve seen in years, and it’s an overall celebration of awesomeness. I’m just worried the theatrical experience might be lost on DVD – I was probably sitting with the best audience ever when I saw it. Either way, I’m buying this as soon as it comes out. It’s one of the definitive “Chris” movies.
Anyhow, if I’m going to be posting more often about movies, I’ll gladly take any suggestions for topics in the comments below – just so I have a better idea of what people want to read about.
Clash of the Titans New Rule: Shakey Cam + 3D Glasses = NOT ALLOWED Seriously: Why not just Gaussian blur the whole movie while we’re at it? Also: Movie is very inaccurate. All historians know the Titans were killed by an angry Spartan. Also also: Ralph Fienne’s performance as Hades seems to be a compromise between the director wanting him to play Voldemort again, and Ralph wanting to play Grimer Wormtongue.
Iron Man 2 Yaaaaayyyy: Explosions! Robert Downey Jr! Robot fights! Scarlett Johansson in tight black leather! Sam Rockwell being wacky! Mickey Rourke being Russian! Biiiirrrrd! What confused me: I don’t think this movie had a script. The story stops every two minutes just so Robert Downey and Sam Rockwell can stutter and chuckle through their lines. It’s like watching a two hour blooper reel. With explosions. Many explosions?: Oh, yes. Many explosions. My big gripe: Maybe I’m over-analyzing, but was that whole “blood toxicity” sub-plot actually a convoluted metaphor for Tony having a drinking problem? —Actually, yes – I just checked it. It was. They slapped a whole new sub-plot over the movie because thought Tony being an alcoholic was too dark for children. So they gave him radiation poisoning instead. Fun for the whole family!
Kick-Ass Gwah?: GWAAAHHH!!!! What is it?: What part of GWAAAHHH didn’t you understand?
Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time Best Video Game Movie Ever?: Of course not. Not while Mortal Kombat exists. Did it respect the video game, at least?: Nope. They just jotted down “Prince,” “Persia,” “Time-Travel,” and “Desert,” and made a movie out of that instead. Was it watchable at least?: Oh, yeah. It needed more time-traveling, but was still a fun watch. There’s ostrich racing in it!
The A-Team Awesome?: Yes, awesome. Better than Crank 2: I don’t think Jason Statham will allow that. Is the full theme song in it? It better be: It is! They play it twice, by my count. What about Baracus? Does he pity any fools?: He pities ALL the fools.
Toy Story 3 So is it any good? It’s Pixar. These guys once made a successful romantic comedy about R2-D2, so the real question to be asked is “is it less good than the last movie they made?” In which case, no. “Toy Story 3″ blew my mind. Definitely better than TS2, although I’m still debating over whether it’s better than the first one. That baby head on the spider legs still creeps me out. Isn’t there a baby in this movie?: Oh, my god! You’re right! I forgot the awesomeness of Big Baby! And wasn’t there…. ?: Totoro! Totoro was in this movie! And a force-field dog! And a dinosaur that eats force-field dogs! And a monkey! I made up my mind. It’s better than Toy Story 1. So is it over?: Yes. I don’t think there will be a Toy Story 4. Unless you count this.
The Last Airbender What’s it about?: “The Last Airbender” is based on the highly successful animated series, about young boy who controls the elements and must return to free the world from the tyranny of the Fire Nation. The story on which is it based has received multiple awards, garnered critical praise from all age groups, and has captured the hearts and imagination of today’s generation, making it one of the more beloved stories of our time. And how’s the movie?: IT’S A ROTTEN, BORING PILE OF EXPOSITION AND HALF-BAKED CINEMATIC SCREW-UPS. M. Night Shyamalan has betrayed every single ounce of respect I have for his film-making prowess – and this is coming from someone who even defended his work on “Lady in the Water” and “The Happening.” Heck, this is coming from someone who’s defended “Dragonball: Evolution!” In fact, DB:E is the opposite of this. In DB:E, the subject matter was defecated all over, but the film still has the spirit and heart of the show. In “Airbender,” the subject matter is respected to the point where some scenes are shot-for-shot recreations, and yet the spirit and heart are completely missing. Sure, it follows the story, but there’s no humor, there’s no charm, there’s no imagination, there’s nothing that makes us want to enjoy the movie! It’s like being served a turkey dinner, only there’s just bones and M. Night ate all the meat in the kitchen!!! He’s effectively ruined the next best movie trilogy! Hang on, I’m done yet. Let me just add a break here… continue reading »
“And the winner for Best Movie is… The Twilight Saga: New Moon.”
Not exactly the first thing I want to hear when I turn on a TV.
Okay, so “The Twilight Saga” sweeping the MTV Movie Awards can hardly be considered a surprise, considering they let teenage girls doing all the voting with their cell phones. Heck, the Twilight movies are probably keeping the phone companies in business. But what are these girls really voting for? And how many straight guys voted for these movies too? And can they still be considered straight? And does “The Twilight Saga” really count as a saga?
sa·ga n.
1. a. A prose narrative usually written in Iceland between 1120 and 1400, dealing with the families that first settled Iceland and their descendants, with the histories of the kings of Norway, and with the myths and legends of early Germanic gods and heroes.
b. A modern prose narrative that resembles a saga.
2. A long detailed report: recounted the saga of their family problems.
3. A progressive rock band made famous in the early 80′s
No, it is not a saga. And just to recap, here is the movie everybody is voting for. This contains spoilers for “New Moon,” so be sure to read thoroughly in case you think you need to watch the movie first.
VAMPIRE: I’m not good for you. I must leave you.
GIRL: I want to kill myself.
WOLFMAN: I’m not wearing a shirt.
GIRL: I still want to kill myself.
WOLFMAN: Look. I have a truck.
GIRL: If I kill myself, maybe I can see him.
ME: We are now 90 minutes into the movie.
GIRL: Oh, look. Werewolves. And I still want to kill myself.
WOLFMAN: Don’t kill yourself.
GIRL: Okay.
VAMPIRE: I’m going kill myself because you probably killed yourself too.
GIRL: I will come to Rome to save you from… killing yourself.
VAMPIRE: Yay. We are in Rome.
GIRL: Make me a vampire.
VAMPIRE: Okay.
ME: And that’s how Robert Pattinson landed Best Actor at the MTV Movie Awards.
WOLFMAN: I am sad now.
ME: At 130 minutes into the movie, we all are.
WOLFMAN: At least you saw some sweet werewolf fights, right?
ME: Oh, yeah. That was pretty awesome for like, 30 seconds.
People have tried to convince me that the books are better, so I bothered reading “Twilight” for a bit and then stopped when I realized I didn’t have enough vaginas to really enjoy Stephanie Meyer’s wet dream about a vampire she made up. Who sparkles.
My diagnosis: stick to Buffy. At least when girls bone vampires in that show, they literally destroy buildings.
I’ve been been putting this one off for way too long – probably because I’ve been hyping it up so much off-line – but here it is. One of my absolute favorite internet things (second only to a UPS Dinosaur): TeamFourStar’s “Dragonball Z Abridged.” If you were ever a fan of “Dragonball Z” or even someone who wanted to know the story without having to sit through dozens of filler episodes, this is the show to watch.
What started out as a bunch of random nonsense put together by fans has evolved into one of the better comedy series on the internet. Their original 10-episode run transforms the entire first season into a 90-minute movie parody, complete with running gags, in-jokes, and quotes you’ll try to work into your daily vocabulary (Mr. Popo and Nappa are now my personal heroes.) It’s so well-handled, in fact, that I actually downloaded all the episodes, re-edited them into a single uninterrupted movie, burned them onto DVD, and showed it to my friends – most of whom asked for their own copies.
I can’t say it’s for everybody. It helps to know a little about the original series and characters first, and they do have their off-episodes where they fall back too much on their own in-jokes. But I would ultimately compare it to “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” or “Airplane.” It’s just as funny, quotable and equally outshines the source material. Not bad for a bunch of guys who don’t even use their real names.
You can view all their episodes directly on their site. And T, if you want to catch up on Season 2, check out Episodes 11, 12, 13, and 14. I know a bunch of my friends like to keep up on these as well, so I’ll probably post updates whenever a new one is out (like I did with Dr. Horrible, only these ones will just keep coming.)
I’ll leave you all with the episode me and Brittany watched last night. This one features a space duck and somebody’s quest for blueberry muffins.
5. Stromboli (Pinnochio)
4. Si & Am (Lady and the Tramp)
3. Lady Tremaine (Cinderella)
2. Cruella De Vil (101 Dalmations)
1. Edgar Bergen – Fun and Fancy Free