Corrected Chuck Norris Facts

The first solar eclipse occurred the first time the moon passed between the earth and sun. Chuck Norris had nothing to do with this as the event took place 4 billions years ago, and he was born in 1940.

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, then you have a total of ten dollars combined. The presence of Chuck Norris does not alter numerical values.

Chuck Norris tried to sue MySpace for taking the name of what he calls everything around him. The judge called him an idiot and dismissed the case.

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face, hence the brain damage.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise. He later bought the school a new periodic table and apologized for his actions.

There is no theory of evolution according to Chuck Norris, because he is a creationist.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears. That isn’t supposed to be funny, by the way. Someone should really call the police.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero, thanks to Grade 6 math.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He’s worried he’ll wake up and find out he has more illegitimate children.

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn’t get charged. It goes on his ex-wife’s credit card.

While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium. This is how he got fired from his first job.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. The judge sighed and dismissed the case again.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. A likely defect caused by fetal alcohol syndrome.

Chuck Norris can’t run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. His arm to head distance would have to be over 22000 km for that to work, and his bones would break under the stress.

A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 8,420,000 Google search results.

If you Google search “Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked” you will generate 3,110,000 results.

Chuck Norris tried to use his own hand to beat a Royal Flush, but they beat him up and took his money anyway.

Chuck Norris can’t finish a “color by numbers” because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Why hasn’t anyone arrested this psychotic bastard yet?

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is. Chuck Norris is always late.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. They’ve been doing that a lot lately.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. If a child is blocking the way.

Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography. The judge put a restraining order on Chuck Norris, ordering him to stay away from his courtroom.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy. It is run by a group of government conspirators who trick the American people into believing they don’t exist. Chuck Norris just farts around the house watching TV and laughing at Chuck Norris jokes on the internet while this happens.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a beverage. The cops took him in and demolished his lemonade stand. He is no longer allowed to associate with the neighborhood children.

August 06 2009 03:27 pm | Humor, Killing Time, Pop Culture, Stupidity

One Response to “Corrected Chuck Norris Facts”

  1. Pstonie on 07 Aug 2009 at 7:25 am #

    Clarkson for internet president!

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