October 14th, 2005
Dear Dr. Lazlo,
Why do birds suddenly appear, every time I am near?
Is it because they want to be close to me?
Funny things are starting to happen to the stars too.
Please help!!!
Screw that! You're on your own!
Sincerly,
Dr. Lazlo, Ph.D.
June 7th, 2005
Dear Dr. Lazlo.
My teeth hurt.
What shall I do?
I have tried nothing but it doesn't work.
Help me or I'll hunt you down and make you eat your own liver.
Not anyone elses - that would be wierd.
Hoo-ha.
Bila.
Oh? Eat my own liver, you say? With fava beans, perhaps? If I were you, I'd be taking into account my hurting teeth in
conjunction with things I consider edible, such as, say, your own liver? Hurting teeth is God's way of telling not to eat your own
body parts. It's a fact. One time I ate my own pancreas with a side-dish of lymphnodes, and it pissed off God so much that he dropped
a tanker truck on my complete collection of Asia albums. Personally, I'd consider hurting teeth a blessing compared to that - or
maybe God didn't like their music. I'll never know. But if your teeth are still a problem, I can hunt you down and punch them out if
you'd prefer. Which would hurt more? You decide.
Sincerly, with duodenum brownies for dessert,
Dr. Lazlo, Ph.D.
April 27th, 2005
Lazlo, I am a time traveler from a time where evil Alien Demon Zombie Dinosaur Mutants have enslaved the Earth and all gerbils.
Do you have any idea on how to stop these evil fiends?
From your future self from 2029
Apparently not if I'm going to be e-mailing myself the same question in twenty-four years.
Bummer. Then again, I didn't have an answer either when I was you.
So... got any hot tips for the future?
Buy mittens. Lot of mittens.
I'll remember that.
No, you won't.
November 28, 2004
Doctor Lazlo, I'm trying to find a cure for all diseases, I'm starting with finding a cure for Lysdexia,
and so far I have found out I need 3 Turnips, an issue of the Times for 21st of Aug 1900 and a can of chicken flavoured
cheese whizz. Do you know where I can find these ingredients?
Also, how do you play the flute?
Sincerly etc.
Sir William Pompernickle, Professer of Radiolobioastrobliojinomalology (Deceased)
Are you mocking me? Are YOU mocking ME? Do you assume that just because I'm not a real doctor and like to joke
around with my fan-mail that I would know where something like chicken-flavored Cheese Whiz is? I'm not Bozo the Clown on
this end. I don't have a magic Tickle Trunk that contains every novelty, gag, and oddity known to man. I keep my living
quarters respectable with a decent book collection sitting on the shelf, some classy artwork on the wall, and some Mozart
tuned in to the radio. As for the flute, that's inconsistency in print. You strayed from the subject. And what's up with
this phoney long name garbage where you're a dead expert in a field that couldn't ever exist or be pronounced? Do you think
you're being cute with that? Or maybe you're trying to upstage every other letter on this page by being as way-out-there as
possible? Is this one of those "ego" things? Well, let's see how smart-alecky you are when I beat the stuffing out of your
brains with a rusty crowbar and a pair of tweezers. Who'll be mocking who, then?!?
But since I'm such a huge supporter in the fight against Lysdexia, you can purchase the turnips at a local food mart, that
Times magazine doesn't exist but an original reprint of National Geographic will do, and chicken-flavored cheese whiz... well,
they don't sell that anymore, but I can mail you the canister I keep in my Tickle Trunk. And you play the flute by sticking the
proper end in your mouth (or, for everyone who expects me to say it, bum) and blowing while covering certain holes with your
fingers to make different noises. Good luck with your quest to prolong the lives of nine billion (and rising) people and
hope you're not the end of the human race.
Dr. Lazlo, Ph.D.
May 4, 2004
Dear Dr. Lazlo, My son want to get and A.T.V (a.k.a quads) but he wants to sorta lease it off of me because he does not have the money to pay for it by himself. Should i help him and if yes what are the rules I should inforce or should i make him do it on his own?
from: your big fan
First off, the only thing my big fan should be doing is sitting in my living room keeping me cool in the summer - not surfing the net and writing e-mails. Consider this your last warning. As for your son, you should consider this: he wants something, and you're his only hope to get it. Therefore, this places you in a much higher seat of power. So let's begin with a simple contract, possibly written in blood, stating that you will lend him the money. In fine print at the bottom (make sure it's small enough so that he can't read it) come up with some sort of clause regarding ownership of collateral (don't forget to add interest) - and then laugh maniacally as he signs it. Anyway, now he has his shiny new bicycle and you have complete control of his soul. And should he back down on the deal or not pay back the money, simply pull out a magnifying glass, show him the fine print on the contract, and loudly declare "Sorry, but you belong to me now!" And do that evil laugh again. And add some pyrotechnic effects this time. But anyway, I hope that helps your family ordeal.
Still not qualified to handle family problems, but does it anyway,
Dr. Lazlo, Ph.D.
May 3, 2004
Lazlo I think I have inferiority issues. I steal other peoples work and say its mine, mainly because im afraid anything I do will suck. Everyone is better at stuff than me, and my parents like to belittle me because I dont have a job. Does everyone else have the problem, or do I?
You have inferiority problems? Ha! You really suck, man! But don't let something like that get you down. Now your first problem: stealing other people's work. I know this one guy who steals ideas from all kinds of movies to make his work. In the past, he's been reknowned for ripping off every single movie idea from "The Matrix," "The Godfather," "Star Wars," "Top Gun," "Mission: Impossible 2," "Ducktales," "Super Friends," "Monkey Island," etc. As a result, he's made a very good name for himself with it. And you wanna know his name? "Airplane!" director, David Zucker. And you know what? After making "Scary Movie 3," I bet even he won't have a job. But who cares? It's not like Peter Jackson invented "Lord of the Rings." And "Star Wars" is entirely based on old Westerns and Samurai movies. And I'm pretty sure the "Matrix" is based on the true life story of Gene Kelly. So the next time you feel down, just look in the mirror and remind yourself that there's a little David Zucker in all of us.
May 2, 2004
Dear Dr. Lazlo, I can't keep the gurls off of me its like i'm good lookin or sumthing. how do i kepp the ugly gurls away and the hot gurls close without hurtin gthe ugly ones?
sincerly, unonamous
Dear Uno (cool name!),
Holy cow - I actually know the answer to this one. First off: you DO NOT want to push away the ugly girls. The hot chicks always have the ugly friend, but if you show disinterest in any of them, they're all gone. We'll have to examine this problem in steps.
PHASE 1: ACCESS THE SITUATION: If a group of hot chicks show up at a club and they have an ugly friend, I guarantee you that their first objective for their mission is to find a guy for their ugly friend. If you approach them, they will definitely try to unload her on you first. Be prepared for this, and move forward.
PHASE 2: SECURE LIFE-LINES: Once you're within the group, try to befriend as many of the girls as possible, but don't push away the ugly one yet. In fact, treat her as if she's just as much a catch as the other ones, but remember to show an equal interest in the others. They have empathic powers (and possibly heat vision,) so be as sincere and honest as possible.
PHASE 3: GET OPINIONATED: Eventually, the other girls will head to the bathroom to report to their superiors, leaving you and the creature from the Black Lagoon to get to know each other. The following part is risky, but bear with me. During conversation, introduce controversial subjects. These include politics, religion, and other highly opinionated matters. Chicks hate opinions, especially when they don't agree with them. And since no one ever has the same set of opinions, this is a guaranteed turn-off for her. You're in the clear.
PHASE 4: REEL YOURSELF BACK IN: The friends return. Using telepathy, they determine sparks didn't fly, but thanks to your life-lines, you're still safe. But before moving, remember that they're still looking for a guy for the other chick. Try to bring a friend to the table who didn't read these great tips. He'll be stuck with her, and you've got the other chicks to yourself.
PHASE 5: WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS: Eliminate your standards. After all, in forty years, you never know whose looks will hold up the best.
Hope that helps, Uno. Just be careful - sometimes they're looking for a test subject to perform weird experiments on to better understand our inferior gender. Never take your eyes off your drink or you might wake up under a bright light on a lab table with a third sentient testicle. We both agree: it isn't the best experience.
Yours sincerly
Dr. Lazlo and Nutsy
hi dr lazlo pls save the rain forest or you will burn from little hobbits cuz they have lots of hairy feet and they smell like chickens and look liike little munchkings
signed mr yoda nick guy from under your room in the basement
Dear Yoda Guy,
What the frick is going on here? When I woke up this morning I thought I'd have a shower, brush my teeth, read the paper, do some housework - the usual. Now I'm receiving death threats from an eco-nut who has very poor spelling habits and is obsessed with midgets. I think I've reached a brand new low if even people like you want me dead, so how about I just place you on my top ten "most unlikely, yet obviously deranged, arch-enemies" list right between Bob Saget and Hamtoro? Yes, I believe that would suffice. Thanks for the e-mail and please don't try to reproduce any time in the next hundred years.
I know where you live,
Dr. Lazlo
Dear Dr. Lazlo,
I have a problem. I am 15 and girls are starting to notice me. But the problem is my cash flow is rather hindered. No place in town will hire me until I am 16, and all the lawnmowing jobs are taken. I really need that money for dates and stuff. What do you think I should do?
Sincerly, Nick Not Telling
I hear ya. Once, I took this chick up to a hotel room, and after she tied me to the TV stand, she went through my wallet and was very disappointed because all she found was a couple lousy "Subway" coupons. To make things short, she screamed VERY loud at me and then ran off before the cops showed up. This is why you always need to carry a wadful of cash. So aside from the obvious solutions which would probably cancel out both your problems (prostitution and drugs,) I think your best resort is to become the local hobo. Steal change from the sidewalk, dig recyclables out of the trash bins, attack people for money - it's all in the trade and you don't have to be any designated age to become a bum. Your only problem will be the competition against other hobos, but most can be fought off with a good, heavy, flaming stick. In closing , I say that if this fails: just make the girls pay.
Dear Dr. Lazlo,
I really like cheese, I mean I REALLY like cheese! It is messing up my stomach and giving me strange fantasies completely 100% about cheese. My invisible friends don't think its healthy so could you give me a cure, and an explanation of why it is so addictive.
Stay out of microwaves, Crazy Old Lady Next-Door
Dear Mom,
I have hired the best scientists this planet has to offer to come up with a suitable solution to your problem. After countless hours of thinking, researching, picking nits out of each other's hair, and eating bananas, my team has come up with an answer: ANTI-CHEESE. It's quite obvious that in order to reverse the effect of cheese, we need the opposite of cheese. By eating anti-cheese, the nauseating and fantastic effects of cheese will become nullified and you will slowly return to normal. In order to acquire anti-cheese, take regular cheese and turn it inside out. Next, flip it upside down and backwards. Now, spray paint it the opposing color of what it is now (spray mozzarella black and cheddar purple. In the event of marble cheese, paint it purple and black.) Finally, eat the anti-cheese and listen to Offpsring until the cows come home. You'll either be dead or cured. Beats me. As for the addiction, it's nicotene. Get a cheese patch.
Microwaves are good for a tan,
Dr. Lazlo, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Lazlo,
You seem like an interesting character and express many of the same feelings as I, but that makes my doctor want to prove my theory wrong. So I need you to give me your life story so I will know that we are not alike at all. If your story has anything to do with gerbils, booze, slow cars, cells or the color magenta then I am officially declared insane by the federal
government. WOOOHHHOOOOOO!
Jello Jiggles,
Mental Asylum Patient #566732853
Dear Mr. Cosby,
I was born many a year ago in 1950 in the European continet of Algeria. My mother, who's name was Cecile, gave birth to 67 children. I was the middle child. My father, who`s name was Cecil, ran a small shoe business outside of Tibet. One year, after my graduation from the 1st grade, I set out to make a man of myself in this world. I met Marty in another country, and I constantly bothered him, like some kind of cable guy. Marty was still in school at the time. I`d bother him in class every day by crawling through the window. one day, he was sitting next to the love of my life; Milli-Anne Mackenzie. She beat the crap out of me, sued me for sexual harrassment, and then sent herself off to a military academy until the end of high school. During that time, I assaulted two elected officials and then robbed a national treasury for kicks. I was sent to jail for a few years, and then they sent me to an asylum for psychiatric evaluation. I stayed there for another few years until 1969, when I heard that Marty and the gang were following Van Halen on tour. I came after them, ruined their holiday, drank booze, drove slow cars, slept in cells, and and watched "The Color Purple." And then I chose to stay with them. There was nothing they could do about it.
THE END
Sincerly, Dr. Lazlo, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Lazlo,
How did you manage to obtain a potato gun, and if it is not illegal I will be forced to exterminate you. Besides, I want to update my arsenal in case of a special emergency such as Offspring being attacked by rabid nerds who just got all hyper by a Sci-Fi convention.
CIAO,
ROBOCOP
Dear Mr. Bocop,
The Spudchucker 2000 can be purchased out of an Avon catalogue if you ever bother to read those things. You'll find it a very formidable weapon since it seems to be equipped with an infinite supply of potatos and never needs reloading. Don't try to figure out as to whether it's combustion-powered or air-pumped, though, because I can't figure it out myself. Just pull the trigger and let the french fries fly! Also, I'm proud that you'd take such an avid interest in protecting Offspring from psycho geeks, and you be rest assured that when the next nerd rampage starts, I'll be right beside you, blasting their butts to high heaven! And then we can blow up the sci-fi convention, just to see Jar Jar squirm!
(Just kidding. We're actually just blowing up Jar Jar.)
Sincerly,
Dr. Lazlo, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Lazlo,
One time I got hit in the head and suddenly a question popped into my head. I think I've seen you at a Star Wars convention, you had this glazed yet lethal look in your eyes as you took a bite out of Luke's crotch claiming
you were avenging the womprats. Was that really you, or was I having another episode?
Yours Truly,
Bill Gates' Evil Twin AKA Fluffy
Dear "Good" Bill Gates,
I don't attend Star Wars conventions. However, I DO attend Star Trek conventions, and then make it my responsibility to turn it into a Star Wars convention by the end of the night. I don't think I could bring myself up to biting anybody in the crotch anyway--I'd have to be REALLY drunk. I'd say you you were having another episode, similar to the one where you're at a fire station and all the firemen are setting you on fire with their fire extinguishers. Fire...fire..
fire... firel....fieer
Sorry. Lost my train of thought. Ok, perhaps you just saw one of my million siblings chewing at Skywalker's lightsaber. Old cousin Merv has a habit of doing that kind of thing. Heh, heh. Good 'ol cousin Merv.
Take some pills and call me when I care,
Dr. Lazlo, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Lazlo,
No offense, but how did you manage to get a Ph.D. without stealing the title from Buzz?
"Sincerly." Right. Didn't Princess Diana choke on some paparazzi alfredo in an Italian restaurant once?
Do you have any idea what Ph. D. stands for? Neither do I, but I'm assuming it runs along the lines of "Phat Dude." Why, are you supposed to go to college to get that sort of thing? I went to college once! Yeah, I got kicked out of every sorority on campus! College was cool, but I don't see that it does anything for your career, unless they teach you stuff there. I must have missed something.
he4y loolk, i can typerb with mynose.
OFFSPRING RULES!!!
Sincerly, Dr. Lazlo Phat-Dude.
DO YOU LIKE SEX?
IF YOUR ANSWER IS YES CLICK HERE TO SATISFY YOUR URGE!!
Dear Whoever,
Yes, I like sex, but I can hardly see how clicking on a broken link satisfies one's urge. I do admire your concern for my well-being, though. If I ever need to satisfy my urge with broken links, I'll know who to call.
Sincerly,
Dr. Lazlo Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Lazlo,
I never found you to be all that unusual until I found out that you were a Capricorn. If you know your astrology, you'd see what I mean. Capricorns are fairly mellow, conscious of hierarchies, and take great care in their relationships for their own social benefit. And, well, you don't have any of those qualities. What gives?
Sincerly,
The Mushroom Queen
Dear Mushroom Queen,
Being a gerbil, I also shouldn't be able to talk, have a social security number, or fire potato guns off in local restaurants. Since when do I ever follow the rules?
Signed, Dr. Lazlo Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Lazlo,
I am curious about your take on extraterrestrial life. Do you believe that such a thing exists? Can you emphasize on such a topic using a lengthy, complicated, and otherwise stupid response for our benefit?
Signed, The Man who killed Barney
Dear Barney Killer,
For many years, I have pursued the study of alien life outside our own world. As many people know, one of my many sisters was kidnapped by an alien. Plus, after careful study of many subjects, I have concluded that alien life does indeed exist. Don't believe me? Go check out the beaches and dark alleyways of Los Angeles and you tell me who's right. The reason why LA is loaded up with ETs is because of Hollywood. Sci-fi movies are always in demand and special effects are expensive, so directors hire actual aliens to star in such roles as "Star Wars", "The Fifth Element", and of course, "Alien." Of course, actual aliens aren't as realistic as computer special effects so that's why so many aliens look fake on the big screen.
Hope that answers your question!
Signed, Dr. Lazlo Ph.D.
IF YOU GOT THE E-MAIL, I'VE GOT THE ANSWERS!