Geeks vs. Nerds: Wins 1, Losses 3

Time for some updates on that whole “Geeks vs. Nerds” thingy I’m doing.

So back in December, I decided to go nuts and tackle two debates at once for one show. This was a monstrous mistake as prepping for a debate about four characters ate up way too much of my time.

First up was “Mr. Freeze vs. Sub-Zero: Who’s the coolest, cold-blooded killer”. I was on Team Freeze and I’ll damned if we didn’t have one hell of a case. Mr. Freeze should have been an automatic win on the grounds that 1) He is freakin’ Tony Stark meets John Lennon as far as being cool goes. 2) he is literally cold-blooded, and 3) you know those people he freezes? They’re dead. Nobody who gets covered in ice gets preserved or we’d have woolly mammoths popping out of glaciers. Ever see the same Gothamite twice? No, because Freeze killed them. Let’s match that up against Sub-Zero. Sub-Zero is 1) not the coolest because he’s a terrible ninja. Can you see him? Yes? Then he’s a terrible ninja. 2) Not cold-blooded. He is warm-blooded and can actually freeze himself solid by accident. 3) Killer? No. Everyone he kills comes back for the sequel. Also, take note: Sub-Zero can only do two things: freeze and hit. He can’t freeze Mr. Freeze, and even Batman can’t punch through his tank armor (that only ever worked once). The only way Batman beats Freeze is with science, and he needs more and more science every time to do it. Sub-Zero doesn’t have science. Therefore, Sub-Zero cannot beat Freeze. Unless all the loudest people in the room are rooting for him no matter what.

Secondly for December was: “Jack Skellington vs. The Grinch: Who’s the greatest unintentional holiday savior?” I landed on Team Jack and we got wasted just because Team Grinch decided to do theirs in rhyme. We could have sang, but didn’t have time for rehearsal. In any case, we had to argue on who saved Christmas most by accident, so we busted out some long-term effects for Jack’s screw up. 1) He made Santa go public, reaffirming people’s belief in Santa and therefore Christmas. 2) Jack’s merchandise helps boost the economy every holiday, and our heavy-hitter 3) By scaring people into carrying weapons on Christmas, Jack has accidentally helped us prep for the onslaught of Santa-Bot in the year 3000, along with any other holiday threats, thus saving not only Christmas, but the world. Our arguments against Grinch? Well, in reality, Ron Howard’s movie alone ruins Christmas every year, but our arguments meant diddly-squat when the other team is rhyming.

My major mistake with the last two debates was over-preparation. Reason being that the audience absolutely, positively, did not care about any “expanded universe” BS. Nobody had ever seen “Grinch Night”, so my arguments about the Grinch developing chemical weapons were lost. And nobody reads comic books, so when I say that Freeze can bust out of prison with just his bare hands and a crayon, then once again, I might as well be writing fan-fiction.

Ultimately, this led me to an epiphany: nobody comes to these shows to see anyone win. So let’s screw with their heads.

So, tonight: “Yoda vs. Gandalf: Who’s the wisest mystical mentor?” I did almost no research in prepping for Team Yoda, yet in spite of our Superman win a couple months back, tonight’s loss was still one of our best debates. Quick: what’s Yoda’s greatest accomplishment? If you said getting a Wookie ride from Chewbacca, then you are right. If you said teaching Obi-Wan to set Hayden Christenson on fire, you are also right. If you said appearing on a napkin doing it doggy-style with Gandalf as part of our new “expanded universe”, then damn, you were probably sitting at our table. Our tomfoolery even made the host shoot himself with his own nerf gun (a first for the show).

Ultimately, we lost because most of the audience had watched “The Hobbit” in the last week and still remembered the Star Wars prequels, but I can honestly say, we generated some heavy-duty laughs tonight. On the way out, some guy even stopped to thank us for saving the show.

And all we had to do is make everyone crave Wookie rides.

I think I’ll take a break from this stuff for a while now. Granted, next month it’s an all-women show, so I’m out anyway. But at this point, it’s starting to feel like work and I think I’d spend my nights doing something else. Like making Vegeta dance Gangnam Style.

P.S: My knowledge of Mr. Freeze and Sub-Zero came in surprisingly useful the other night at Denny’s, when at three in the morning, six of us randomly realized that these two characters could safely play ice trombones without melting them. I don’t know how this qualifies at useful, but it sounded useful after a couple tequilas and a Grand Slam. Do with this information as you will.

P.S.S. Any other time, Yoda should have taken this. His wisdom even doubles as relationship advice when you add “in bed” to anything he says.

P.S.S.S. I do agree with Gandalf’s non-pedo stance on Hobbits. They’re like the towels of Middle-Earth. Never leave home without one. Just never leave home with Gandalf. There will be spiders.

January 09 2013 05:21 am | Daily Life

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