VHQ stands as the leading source for all my pain and misery over the last two and a half years. Aside from keeping the bills paid while I attended college and worked as an intern at a couple of businesses, it ultimately served no purpose in teaching any useful life skills other than how to deal with idiots. Now, complete, unabridged, and as close to reality as I can remember, I now present to you Ten Short Stories About VHQ.
Chapter 1: A Bloody Good Start
Chapter 2: Here Be Old People
Chapter 3: The Bourne Stupidity
Chapter 4: Persistence is Futile
Chapter 5: My Kind of Discipline
Chapter 6: The Porn Room
Chapter 6.5: The Porn Room Blooper Reel
Chapter 7: A New Low For Lazy
Chapter 8: Steven Seagal... or YOUR BABY'S LIFE?!?
Chapter 9: The Evil Corporations and Me
Chapter 10: Enter the Crazy Lady
Chapter 1:
I consider myself lucky that VHQ made a good first impression on me. It prepared me for the worst in the worst possible way: with a lot of blood.
Day 1. 11:00 PM. Closing time. Just me and Shauna and about five male teenagers horsing around in the back of the store. They were warned ten minutes ago that we were closing and it's finally become obvious that they're not here because they want a movie - they simply have no concept of time or location. Shauna gets pissed.
SHAUNA: "Time's up! If you don't have a movie, you have to leave now!"
DURP #1 "Yeah, hang on - we're still looking!"
They start smacking each other around.
SHAUNA: "That does it! If you don't leave, I'm calling the police!"
DURP #2: "Wait! Wait! We'll get a movie!"
SHAUNA: "No! No movies! Out! Now!"
DURP #2: "Look! We're getting one! It's cool!"
They continue to beat the crap out of eachother.
SHAUNA: (picking up the phone) "I'm calling the police."
DURP #3: "OUCH! OH, GOD! I'M BLEEDING!!!"
I look over at the far corner of the store to see that their horsing around has resulted in one of them headbutting a shelf. Blood is gushing down his face from his forehead. Having sported a similar wound in the past, I recognize the kid's immediate need for stitches. Shauna, of course, stays cool.
SHAUNA: "Get out of the store now!!!"
DURP #3: "BUT I'M BLEEDING!!!"
SHAUNA: "I've called the police!"
DURP #3: "Good! When he gets here, I'm gonna arrest you for this!"
DURP #2: "Dude, can I rent this movie while we wait?"
SHAUNA: "NO!!!"
I'm off to the side, counting my closing cash. Don't want to be out on my first day.
DURP #3: "Dude! Give me a Kleenex or I'll bleed all over your store!!!"
SHAUNA: "OUT. NOW."
DURP #1: Dude, I got a Kleenex at my house."
DURP #3: "I need it now!!!"
Mrs. Policelady shows up.
POLICELADY: "What's going on here?"
SHAUNA: "We're trying to close and they won't leave."
DURP #3: "I'M BLEEDING AND SHE'S LETTING ME DIE!!!"
POLICELADY: "Did she ask you boys to leave?"
DURP #3: "I'M BLEEDING! LOOK AT THIS!!!"
POLICELADY: "They're closed. Let's go."
DURP #3: "I don't believe this!"
DURP #2: "I didn't even rent my movie yet!"
POLICELADY:: "I'll make sure these boys get home. You have a good close."
SHAUNA: Thank you, officer."
ME: "Crap. I'm out 6 dollars."
Chapter 2:
I've always wondered how people can forget if they've seen a movie or not. I mean, it makes sense if you've seen a million movies and you forgot one you saw fifty years ago, but some people seem to forget movies they've seen in the last few months. More importantly, if they can't remember movies after watching them, why watch them at all?
An old married couple show up. Man is bored and frustrated. Woman is skeptical.
WOMAN: "Excuse me, but have we seen this before?"
She hands me a copy of "The Two Towers." I run a search on their account to see a list of movies they've rented from us.
ME: "Yes - you rented this last week."
WOMAN: "I don't remember watching this. Do you remember watching this?"
MAN: "We watched it."
WOMAN: "Are you sure? Excuse me, but is this the first one?"
ME: "That's the second one. The first one is "Fellowship of the Ring."
WOMAN: Maybe it's that one we didn't see."
ME: "You rented it a couple days before renting the other one."
WOMAN: "I'm not sure..."
MAN: "We saw it."
WOMAN: "I need to see the case. Do you have a copy in?"
I show her where it is.
ME: "Do you remember watching this one?"
MAN: "YES. WE SAW IT."
WOMAN: "I don't think we've seen that one. We didn't see it."
MAN: "We've seen it. You didn't like it."
WOMAN: "We'll take this one instead of that one."
The man gives up. Apparently, he's been through this before. I rent it out to them.
One hour later, the old folks return.
WOMAN: "Excuse me, but I did see this one before. Can I exchange it for that
other one?"
MAN: "Just get a different movie."
WOMAN: "We'll take that second one."
Once again, the man gives up without a fight. I rent it out to them. A half hour later, they show up again.
WOMAN: "Excuse me, but we already saw this."
MAN: "I told her, didn't I?"
ME: "Was there something else you were looking for?"
WOMAN: "No, that's all right - just put a credit on our account."
MAN: "We can get another movie."
WOMAN: "We can get one another night."
MAN: "We can get one right now."
WOMAN: "No, that's all right."
She leaves. Man follows. Yet another fine story that goes nowhere.
Chapter 3:
It was the summer of 2004 and the big movie in theatres was "The Bourne Supremacy." Being the sequel to "The Bourne Identity," it's sheer presence was enough to suddenly make every person in town decide that watching Part 1 was mandatory, regardless of whether they saw it or not.
And just our luck - we had one copy on VHS. And it was a 7-day rental so it was only available once a week.
Try to imagine hearing "do you have the Bourne Identity in?" several times a day and you'll understand the hell I went through. But nothing beats this particular group of doofuses in their quest to watch a movie they didn't give a crap about until a sequel came out.
Me on till. Four people in line.
DOOFUS #1: "Excuse me, but do you have a copy of "The Bourne Identity" in?"
ME: "Sorry. We only have one copy and it's out."
DOOFUS #1: "All right - thank you anyways."
She rents her movie and leaves. Doofus #2 steps up to the plate.
DOOFUS #2: "I just heard you talking about "The Bourne Identity." Did
you say you had a copy in?"
ME: "No, I said we had one copy and it was out."
DOOFUS #2: "So no copies in?"
ME: "No."
They rent their movie and leave. Doofus #3 cracks his knuckles and approaches.
DOOFUS #3: "Okay - okay. I KNOW you don't have a copy of "The Bourne
Identity" in, but I was wondering if you could check the drop boxes to see if
it was brought back."
ME: "I already checked the boxes. They're empty."
DOOFUS #3: "Then I'll take one of the copies you keep in the back."
ME: "We don't have any copies in the back."
DOOFUS #3: "Why not?"
ME: "Because they don't sell when they're in the back."
DOOFUS #3: "Then why aren't there more copies in the front?"
ME: "Because we only have one."
DOOFUS #3: "I thought you said it was out."
ME: "It IS out."
DOOFUS #3: "So I can't rent it tonight?"
ME: "It's due back in six days, so unless they return it early, no chance."
DOOFUS #3: "Well, I'm never renting here again."
He leaves. Doofus #4 comes up. Hasn't been paying attention.
DOOFUS #4: "Do you have "The Bourne Identity" in?"
*CLUNK*
Guess what gets returned early?
A minute later, they walk out happy. And a few seconds after, Doofus #3 inexplicably pops back into the store.
DOOFUS #3: "I just heard one got returned! Did anymore get dropped off?"
ME: "No. We only have one copy and it's out."
Chapter 4:
ME: "How are you today?"
GUY: "Wonderful, and you?"
ME: "Eh, so-so. What are you renting today?"
GUY: "Dodgeball."
ME: "Ah. That's a good one. Your phone number, please."
GUY: "###-####."
ME: "And... uh-oh. Your account has been hotcarded."
GUY: "What does that mean?"
ME: "It means you've accumulated a lot of late charges and because your credit
card expired, we had to send you to collections. It also means you can't rent until
they've been cleared up."
GUY: "How many are there?"
ME: "Okay, I'm looking up your history and these are more than just late
charges - there are a dozen unreturned new releases dating back to January."
GUY: "Well, that's okay - just take them off."
ME: "Take them off?"
GUY: "Sure. Once those are cleared up, there won't be any problem."
ME: "Yes there is. You didn't return those movies."
GUY: "So?"
ME: "So you rented out a few hundred dollars worth of new releases and didn't
return them."
GUY: "So? I paid for them."
ME: "You paid the rental fee, yes. But then you kept them as if you bought them."
GUY: "Well, I'll just rent this now and bring them back tomorrow."
ME: "It's not that easy. Like I said, you're blocked out of your own account.
You'd need to both cover all of your late charges and return those movies before renting."
GUY: "In that case, I'll just open up a new account."
ME: "You can't do that."
GUY: "Why not?"
ME: "Because you've already got one."
GUY: "Then erase it."
ME: "I can't do that."
GUY: "Why not?"
ME: "Because it's got a dozen outstanding transactions on it."
GUY: "In that case, can I give you a different phone number?"
ME: "Go for it."
GUY: "###-####"
ME: "And enter your PIN."
GUY: "What PIN?"
ME: "The password for this account."
GUY: "I don't know other people's passwords."
ME: "Can you give them a call?"
GUY: "Give who a call?"
ME: "Whoever's account this is. Ask them for the password."
GUY: "Whose account is it?"
ME: "You don't know?"
GUY: "I just gave you a different phone number. I don't know whose it is."
ME: "In other words, you're trying to rent off a complete stranger's account."
GUY: "Let me guess - I can't do that."
ME: "No."
GUY: "How does this store make money?"
ME: "What do you mean?"
GUY: "Because I'm not renting here ever again."
Out the door he goes.
I leave a message on his account: "This customer has made it a point NOT to rent from us ever again. Please remind him on his next visit."
The scary part is: this happens all the time.
Chapter 5:
"Mommy! I want this! I want this! I want this!"
"Put it back."
If there's anything I hate more, it's a negligent parent who's afraid to discipline their children properly. In my opinion, it's a sign of weakness. The parent is afraid to inflict pain on their children for reasons of childhood trauma, public humiliation, social services, or their kids just plain hating them. But as a parent, you've got the right to remind your children that being an irritating brat equals PAIN. No, I'm not saying you should beat them with a stick, or something as satisfying - but there's really nothing wrong with a good old-fashioned spanking, slap on the hands, or what this woman did one day in the store.
For the kid, I want you to imagine Winnie-the-Pooh crossbred with the Tasmanian Devil and a wayward missile. He's running around, throwing movies off the shelves and forcing his mother to clean up after him every step of the way.
Finally, they get up to the till. There are several people around, and you can just feel this woman's embarassment as her child goes ripping apart everything in his path and screaming for candy. This was the tension-ridden moment where the woman felt like she had reached the end of her patience.
KID: "MOMMY! I WANT THIS CANDY! NOW!"
MOMMY: "Put that back. You're not getting any candy."
KID: "NOOOO!!!!"
MOMMY: "Don't you DARE raise your voice to me!"
KID: "I WANT IT NOW! NOW!!! UGH!!"
"UGH" is the sound a kid makes when his mother puts him into a crippling headlock.
Needless to say, the kid was still screaming, but for different reasons now.
KID: "MOMMY! LET GO! LET GO! IT HURTS!!!"
A round of applause came from every customer in the store.
There's a hero in all of us.
Chapter 6:
I seriously have no idea why we even had an adult room. We had about two customers per week in there, and they usually smelled like mildew. But there was always one customer who stood out amongst the perverts. For privacy reasons, we'll just call Lyle "Morris."
1. First time we met him, Morris walked into the store and openly asked "Where's the porn room?" I directed him to the blue door between the PV Video shelves. He triumphantly called outside to his buddies "HEY! THEY GOT ONE! COME ON!" After that, his every visit became routine.
2. While his buddies run around, he'll lean out of the room and call out to them: "HOW ABOUT THIS ONE?" "WHAT'S IT ABOUT?" "IT'S GOT THAT CHICK FROM NAUGHTY COLLEGE GIRLS 19 IN IT!" "YEAH, BUT WHAT'S IT ABOUT?" "IT'S PORNO!" This goes on for several minutes.
3. Finally, they all meet up in the room and spend half an hour reading the backs of every case. This is the part where we turn on the security camera to watch them browse and make very complicated decisions, such as "Do we rent Blonde Busty Babes 3 or Blonde Busty Babes 12?"
4. Morris finally decides on the nastiest, raunchiest titles possible. None of it is straight, and a lot of isn't even gay.
5. Before going to the till, Morris takes a long walk around the store checking out the new releases, and once again, ignoring the black bag and making sure every customer knows what he's renting.
6. Morris rents out the movies and leaves. Upon telling him "Have a good day," he'll reply "Are you kidding! Every day's a good day with porno!"
7. The clerks take a run around the store to insure Morris didn't leave any porn lying around. There are usually a couple titles on the wall or in the children's section.
Naturally, we'd kick out customers like this, but the guy's so doggone friendly we wouldn't feel right.
Chapter 6.5:
PERVERT: "Excuse me, do you have any beastiality videos in your adult room?"
ME: "No, we don't."
PERVERT: "Why not?"
ME: "Because they're illegal."
PERVERT: "..."
ME:: "..."
PERVERT: "Uh-oh."
Chapter 7:
A big SUV pulls up and out of it steps this slightly overweight lady. She takes about five steps to get into the store, and another two steps to get to the new release sheet next to the entrance. Finally, she turns around and asks us:
LADY: "Excuse me - do you have Ghost Ship in?"
ME: "Yes, it's right there on the wall ahead of you."
The lady pauses to assess the situation. Her movie is seven steps away.
A moment of hesitation later, she turns to us.
LADY: "Do I have to go get it?"
...
A little voice inside my head said "Do not argue with stupid people."
ME: "I... guess I could get that for you."
I take about forty steps to leave the counter, go to the movie, grab it, and bring it up to the till.
ME: "There we go. Please come around and enter your PIN."
She lets loose a sigh of frustration.
LADY: "If I knew I needed to come up here, I could've gotten the movie myself."
A little voice inside my head said "DIE!!! DIE!!!"
She also bought a Mars bar and ate it on the way out.
Chapter 8:
Meet Crack-lady. She's a minor who looks like she's forty and on a hundred different drugs. At all times. She's also a mother apparently, but she never got her priorities straight.
Late at night, she wobbles up to the counter with a copy of Exit Wounds. She tosses a dollar onto the counter.
CRACKLADY: "Here - put the rest on my account."
ME: "We can't do that. Plus, you've already got $27 dollars worth of late charges on
there."
CRACKLADY: "But I need the rest of this money for milk!!!"
ME: "Milk?"
CRACKLADY: "Do you want my baby to starve?!?"
She's obviously wired, so I go ahead and speak my mind. Not like she'll remember.
ME: "If you only have enough money to either rent a movie or feed your baby - FEED
YOUR BABY."
CRACKLADY: "But I NEED THIS MOVIE!!!"
ME: "Go feed your baby. She needs it a lot more!"
CRACKLADY: "Fine! But I'm sending my husband down here!"
An hour later, her husband shows up, browses the PV movies, and leaves.
She sure showed us.
Chapter 9:
A common misconception with video store clerks is that we're paid on commission based on how many people we rip off. The truth is, we not only don't get commission, but the head honchos are constantly looking for loopholes to avoid paying us minimum wage. Customers aren't usually aware of this, but I don't think they care when they need to shift blame somewhere.
A lady comes in, drops a VHS in the return box, and runs off.
I immediately reach in, grab the movie and get ready to batch it in when I notice something is strange.
Yes... yes. My suspicions have been confirmed.
The tape has been ripped out and wrapped around the video many, many, many times.
Fortunately, I manage to jump the counter and catch her on the way out.
ME: "Excuse me, m'am, but is this your movie?"
M'AM: "Yes it is."
ME: "Are you aware that the tape inside has been ripped out and wrapped around the
video many, many, many times?"
M'AM: "Show me."
I show her. Her mouth is agape.
M'AM: "WHAT DID YOU DO?!?!"
ME: "This is how it was returned."
M'AM: "No, no, no! I returned it myself!"
ME: "And this is how you returned it."
M'AM: "You did that on purpose! You're trying to weasel money out of me!"
ME: "I don't get paid for wrecking movies."
M'AM: "YES YOU DO! YOUR WHOLE STORE IS TRYING TO STEAL MY FAMILY'S MONEY!"
And she drives off.
I go inside, bring up her credit card information, and fill out a damage report.
It's head office's problem now. :)
Chapter 10:
She's well into her 80's, but likes to think she's still 16. This conflict of identity is probably what causes her to act like she's having a seizure 24/7. She's Crazy Lady, and she likes movies. Or does she?
Every visit is the same. She'll show up at 15 minutes to close and immediately ask for help on selecting movies. Lords know why because she's never picked anything we recommended.
CRAZYLADY: "Excuse me, but I'm having a hard time picking movies. Could you help me?"
ME: Have you seen Spider-man yet? That was really excellent film."
CRAZYLADY: "Oh, Lord no. I don't like those kinds of movies."
ME: "What kinds of movies do you like?"
CRAZYLADY: "I like ones that aren't big and flashy. Have you seen this one?"
The movie is some indie flick called I'll Be There.
ME: "No. I haven't seen that movie."
CRAZYLADY: "Well, I'll hold onto it anyways."
ME: "How about Catch me if you Can? I think you'll really enjoy that."
CRAZYLADY: "No. no. I don't like those kinds either. How about this?"
She's showing me this weird horror movie called Fear of the Dark.
ME: "No, I haven't seen that one either."
CRAZYLADY: "You don't watch much movies, do you?"
ME: "I watch a lot of movies. Just not the ones you're picking."
CRAZYLADY: "Do you think it's any good?"
ME: "Well, I know it's straight-to-home-video, so it can't be that good."
CRAZYLADY: "It can sometimes be good. You never know. I'll hold onto it.
Are there any other good ones?"
Here I am, straining to think of a movie someone without a clue would like.
ME: "About A Boy? Road to Perdition? My Big Fat Greek Wedding? I think you'd
like those ones."
CRAZYLADY: "No... wait. What was that last one about?"
She reads the case.
CRAZYLADY: "No. Not this one. What about this? Have you seen this?"
And with fifteen minutes on the clock before closing, she's got me tied up trying to give reviews on crappy direct-to-video releases - which she's stockpiling in her arms.
Eventually, we get up to the till, and she's got TWENTY movies - and still contemplating over which ones she should rent. This is the part where we wait. See, now she's eliminating her selections and making piles: movies she won't rent, and movies she might rent. Ultimately, she get it down to two decisions - the original two movies she was mentioning earlier. Everything else, we've gotta put away again.
CRAZYLADY: "Which one do you think might be better?"
ME: "If you want a chick-flick, go with that one. If you want a horror, that one.
Personally, I don't think either one is good."
CRAZYLADY: "What was that movie we were looking at before?"
ME: "Which one?"
CRAZYLADY: "With the wedding."
ME: "My Big Fat Greek Wedding?"
CRAZYLADY: "Yes. I'll take that one too."
The next day, she came in, with all the movies.
CRAZYLADY: "Excuse me, I would like to exchange these movies. They were not very good."
And the great Circle of Life continues.