BROKEN SWORD 3

THE SLEEPING DRAGON

Holy crap! That Jehovah witness followed us!

By Lazlo Enrico

This is Lazlo Enrico, having just finished carrying out community service for that stunt I pulled last month while testing out my mechanical Justin Timberlake costume and I'm ready to start reviewing games again. This month on the chopping block is "Broken Sword 3: The Sleeping Dragon" - a MacGyver/Indiana Jones style adventure where you have every problem-solving item at your disposal except a gun which would have come in really handy... way too many times. I haven't actually played the game. All I know is that you can play as two characters. Some guy named George and some chick named Nico - and there's something about an evil manuscript going around killing horny teenagers over at summer camp.

Apparently the game's pretty good, although my experience with it lasted about twenty minutes. I was pretty impressed with the modeling job on that Nico chick so I walked her around for a while ogling the crooked, but oddly sensual, geometry. Anyway, long story short, I exited the game, started downloading some Japanese Hentai, and wound up with some kind of virus. So while Chris went on about re-installing the operating system and all the drivers for the fifth time this year, I went out for a few drinks.

Lazlo tries to get to first base with Nico Collard.

When I got back, I was pretty wasted. The next morning, while I was fighting my hangover, I started playing the game in order to gather information for the review only to find myself distracted by some pop-up ads that appeared because of some spyware I downloaded moments earlier. Long story short, I found myself skimming through the internet, and eventually came across Gamespy's Top Ten Best Video Game Babes. And somehow, that seemed a lot more interesting than writing a review on Broken Sword 3. So I made my own list of hot fictional babes.

Now before we start on this, you may be asking yourself "Dude, they're just cartoon characters. If you find them arousing, you are a sick, demented person."

In response to your statement:

In case you haven't already noticed: YES, I am sick and demented.

They're cartoon characters? What am I then? Guacamole? Get a clue.

Britney Spears is considered an international sex symbol, and she's got more plastic in her than a Fisher Price convention. Now without further ado:

LAZLO'S TOP 10 FAVORITE GAME BABES

(Please note that for good measure, I matched Gamespy's list up against mine to clearly show that my opinions are superior to theirs.)

GAMESPY'S LIST LAZLO'S LIST

Photoshop'd! 10. Samus Aran -Metroid
Number ten on their list is a chick who pretends to be a male robot most of the game - and then at the last minute takes off her body suit to reveal - ta-da! She's a transvestite! It's her again. 10. Nico Collard -The Broken Sword Trilogy
Not being a big fan of "Rocky Horror," I'm sticking with a girl who made it clear that she had boobs and is also responsible for me writing this list. She may not have a killer robot suit, and her French accent is slightly bad, but there's still no way I'd say no to THAT. That's in-game graphics, by the way.

Loss of circulation in 5... 4... 3... 9. Firiona Vie -Everquest
She isn't even a game character. She's just a character who winds up on the case of each Everquest game. That's not fair to all the hot chicks who actually WERE in the games. By the next game, both of those will take up an entire level. 9. Lara Croft -Tomb Raider
Now here's a woman who actually does something. Scientists claim that when women exercise, they lose weight in the chest first. Lara Croft proves them wrong. In spite of all the exercise she gets, she still manages to double the size of her chest with every game.

Gerbil! You dishonor my famary! 8. Blaze -Streets of Rage
One of these is Blaze. It's probably the one in the middle, but I could be mistaken. Darn gender-confused Japanese characters! Coming this summer: Final Fantasy; Advent Children - starring Hilary Swank as Cloud! 8. Cloud Strife -Final Fantasy VII
Back when 3D was primitive, many gamers mistook this beauty for a man. But underneath all that bad geometry, he was all woman and I know it. After all, what kind of guy would have the name "Cloud" and go out on dates with a big black guy called "Barrett?" Unless... nah.

You start with six rounds of ammo. It takes seventeen to kill one zombie. 7. Jill Valentine -Resident Evil
She almost wound up on my list, but then I remember how much that game pissed me off - and how she wasn't dressed like THAT when I played it. Arrr!!! 7. Elaine Marley -The Monkey Island Series
You may wonder why I would pick this woman over such a fine lady as Cloud. Well, the answer is quite simple: pirates are cooler than ninjas.

I'll never understand bun-heads. 6. The Girls -Street Fighter
Yeah, yeah. They look all hot, but I guarantee you wouldn't be able to go out with one of them without getting a black eye and a few bruises. Violent chicks are only cool from a safe distance. Ever wonder what those white dots are? 6. Ms. Pacman -Ms. Pacman
Now here's a woman who could [Lazlo's comment removed by website's moderator]

Uma could whup her. 5. Sophitia Alexandra -Soul Caliber
Why do the warrior chicks always sacrifice safety for sexiness? Sure, she looks fine, but when a sword cuts through that soft mid-section, we'll see how attractive a bloody stump is. Bo Shuda! 5. Katrina -Quest for Glory 4
I couldn't find a good picture of Katrina, so just imagine this fat guy here as a hot sexy vampire with crazy hair, wearing tight leather, carrying a whip, and you'll be set.

You are looking at boobs. 4. Mai Shiranui -Fatal Fury
I've never even heard of this game, but apparently it was only made popular because her boobs actually bounced when she ran around. How could I ever possibly beat that on my list? Arrr! More pirates! 4. Keira Knightley -Pirates of the Carribean
Here's how.

Elvira: Resurrection. 3. Morrigan Aenslan -Darkstalkers
Once again we face another temptress who's not only tempts men, but tempts the very laws of physics. Look at that! That's like trying to cram a dozen pillows into one suitcase! It's people like her whom we should hire to pack our luggage! Reknowned for dissecting hamsters - not gerbils. 3. Laverne -Day of the Tentacle
In a gaming world of unobtainable women, comes a light of hope for all geeks out there. Meet the future Mrs. Lazlo. She's got a few screws loose, but that doesn't stop her from burning things and assisting in other criminally evil deeds. She will be mine. Oh, yes. She WILL be mine.

Whoa. 2. The Girls -The Dead or Alive series
... Passes the test. 2. The Girls -The Dead or Alive Series
Yeah, okay.

Beat you to it, guys. 1. Lara Croft -Tomb Raider
THIS is their number one? The most obvious girl? I had her back at number nine! You guys got nothing on me. I'm sorry - the Princess is in another castle. 1. Princess Toadstool -Super Mario Bros
Now here's a chick worthy of number one! She's rich, owns a castle, knows how to bake a cake, and has all the 'shrooms she'd ever want at her disposal. Sure, Lara may be tempting, but she'd snub you any chance she got. Peach, fortunately, has very low standards, so almost any little chubby guy who can bounce on stuff stands a chance with her. Obtainability counts too, ladies.

I love going off-topic.

GAMESPY'S LIST	LAZLO'S LIST
10. Samus Aran -Metroid Number ten on their list is a chick who pretends to be a male robot most of the game - and then at the last minute takes off her body suit to reveal - ta-da! She's a transvestite!	10. Nico Collard -The Broken Sword Trilogy Not being a big fan of "Rocky Horror," I'm sticking with a girl who made it clear that she had boobs and is also responsible for me writing this list. She may not have a killer robot suit, and her French accent is slightly bad, but there's still no way I'd say no to THAT. That's in-game graphics, by the way.
9. Firiona Vie -Everquest She isn't even a game character. She's just a character who winds up on the case of each Everquest game. That's not fair to all the hot chicks who actually WERE in the games.	9. Lara Croft -Tomb Raider Now here's a woman who actually does something. Scientists claim that when women exercise, they lose weight in the chest first. Lara Croft proves them wrong. In spite of all the exercise she gets, she still manages to double the size of her chest with every game.
8. Blaze -Streets of Rage One of these is Blaze. It's probably the one in the middle, but I could be mistaken. Darn gender-confused Japanese characters!	8. Cloud Strife -Final Fantasy VII Back when 3D was primitive, many gamers mistook this beauty for a man. But underneath all that bad geometry, he was all woman and I know it. After all, what kind of guy would have the name "Cloud" and go out on dates with a big black guy called "Barrett?" Unless... nah.
7. Jill Valentine -Resident Evil She almost wound up on my list, but then I remember how much that game pissed me off - and how she wasn't dressed like THAT when I played it.	7. Elaine Marley -The Monkey Island Series You may wonder why I would pick this woman over such a fine lady as Cloud. Well, the answer is quite simple: pirates are cooler than ninjas.
6. The Girls -Street Fighter Yeah, yeah. They look all hot, but I guarantee you wouldn't be able to go out with one of them without getting a black eye and a few bruises. Violent chicks are only cool from a safe distance.	6. Ms. Pacman -Ms. Pacman Now here's a woman who could [Lazlo's comment removed by website's moderator]
5. Sophitia Alexandra -Soul Caliber Why do the warrior chicks always sacrifice safety for sexiness? Sure, she looks fine, but when a sword cuts through that soft mid-section, we'll see how attractive a bloody stump is.	5. Katrina -Quest for Glory 4 I couldn't find a good picture of Katrina, so just imagine this fat guy here as a hot sexy vampire with crazy hair, wearing tight leather, carrying a whip, and you'll be set.
4. Mai Shiranui -Fatal Fury I've never even heard of this game, but apparently it was only made popular because her boobs actually bounced when she ran around. How could I ever possibly beat that on my list?	4. Keira Knightley -Pirates of the Carribean Here's how.
3. Morrigan Aenslan -Darkstalkers Once again we face another temptress who's not only tempts men, but tempts the very laws of physics. Look at that! That's like trying to cram a dozen pillows into one suitcase! It's people like her whom we should hire to pack our luggage!	3. Laverne -Day of the Tentacle In a gaming world of unobtainable women, comes a light of hope for all geeks out there. Meet the future Mrs. Lazlo. She's got a few screws loose, but that doesn't stop her from burning things and assisting in other criminally evil deeds. She will be mine. Oh, yes. She WILL be mine.
2. The Girls -The Dead or Alive series ...	2. The Girls -The Dead or Alive Series Yeah, okay.
1. Lara Croft -Tomb Raider THIS is their number one? The most obvious girl? I had her back at number nine! You guys got nothing on me.	1. Princess Toadstool -Super Mario Bros Now here's a chick worthy of number one! She's rich, owns a castle, knows how to bake a cake, and has all the 'shrooms she'd ever want at her disposal. Sure, Lara may be tempting, but she'd snub you any chance she got. Peach, fortunately, has very low standards, so almost any little chubby guy who can bounce on stuff stands a chance with her. Obtainability counts too, ladies.