The Ultimate Final Fantasy Game

By Lazlo Enrico

I feel sorry for every game critic out there who's going to spend 90 hours playing each Final Fantasy game only to wind up with basically the same review each time. "Amazing Graphics!" "Incredible Music!" "Gripping Plotline!" "Brilliant Characters!" By my count, they've already made 11 official games, at least 4-5 spin-offs, two movies, an animated series, and possibly even a breakfast cereal (now with more chocobos!) Not to mention that there is no such thing as a "Final" Fantasy. If there were, these would have been over back in the days of the old Nintendo era. Now thanks to corporations and men wearing suits, long after the creator dies, odds are that someone will still be making these games. There is logically no way for one person to review every game that will ever be made in one lifetime.

Or is there?

Having played every Final Fantasy, I've worked out the formula I need to make up a blueprint of every future FF game that comes out of SquareSoft. And by using this formula, we can now make one big universal Final Fantasy - and critics will only have to review this game ONCE in order to review the next few hundred sequels. Another perk with this ultimate Final Fantasy is that if you've never played it before - voila. After you read this, you've pretty much officially played all the games anyway or know exactly what to expect.

So without further ado, the story begins...

Hi, my name's RIVER. I'm a dashing young fighter who is the master of a VERY COOL WEAPON: Sword-Chucks. Right now, I'm trying to repress some bad memories of something bad that happened to me, as well as some very important things I forgot about myself, but no time to worry about that now - it's HAPPY FIESTA DAY today in the land of Erronia and I'm going to participate in a tournament!

Not if I have anything to say about it!

Hey! Why are all these innocent people dying?!?

I am the EVIL KING KROKER! Give me your princess or I will destroy your village with my MACHINES! Bwahahaha!!! Also, this is my loyal henchman, FIERRA.

Pft. Loyal. I am Fierra, Kroker's very effeminate henchman. Everyone knows that before Disc 1 is over, I will betray my King and carry on with my own personal evil agenda. But for now, I'll just stay quiet. Also, it's no secret that I'm gay, but just to confuse people later, I'll try to marry/rape the princess first chance I get.

River, I am BRYCE, a spy/assassin/thief/antisocialite who knows more about what's going on than you do. We must fight together and get the princess out here!

I am PRINCESS ALARIA! My attack power is low and I only have curative magic - but nevertheless, I will be a regular member of your party. Also, I hate you, River.

I hate you too, Princess. I hope that by Disc 3, we don't somehow fall in love.

I am BAULDER. Being a minority in a land of white heroes also makes me the toughest guy on the team, but I will protect the princess and travel with you anyways. At least, until all the sub-quests have been finished and you find out that my ultimate weapon is nowhere near as good as everyone else's.

King Kroker seeks to use the Princess' magic to fuel his new Spirit Mech - a weapon of mass destruction that shoots lasers, but we could probably fight it hand-to-hand if we spend 60 hours leveling up our skills. Also, I think we should mention at this point that this game has no cheat codes other than some stupid trick about tying an elastic band to a controller and leaving it to fight weak monsters overnight.

But first, the game needs to lead us to a few key locations that seem relevant to the plot, but are only essential in equipping us with new team members.

The princess is hungry. We must go to McDonald's.

Welcome to McDonalds. I am Natania, a Black Mage Summoner of Demons, and another female character so that the team is more balanced in genders. I was banished from my homeland and have not gotten over the loss of my family after I summoned a Demon that sat on them. As a result, I can still summon Demons, but not the Ultimate Demon. Hopefully, near the end of the game, I will finally get over my personal issues and be able to summon it once more. I'm also here because the team needs a character with large breasts and tight-fitting clothes whom video game nerds can draw hentai cartoons about and distribute them via their file-sharing networks. But who cares about that? May I take your order?

We're going to upgrade our team with better weapons - even though we'll probably be able to get the same weapons for free if we wander around a little more and search random treasure chests. Also, we want you to join our team.

Fair enough, but we'll have to fight a boss before we leave. Fortunately, the boss is having his smoke break right now, so let's just walk out.

Kroker plans to attack the underwater kingdom of Mercann in his search for more spiritual energy. Let's go warn them.

It's too late! Kroker got here first! Fortunately, the king wants to send his best warrior with us on our quest to save the world!

Meesa Jar Jar Binks! Meesa da random non-people character and comic relief! Meesa probably be not used on team much, so meesa not be leveled up too much! But meesa know at one point, yousa will have to use me in a fight, and because meesa is not leveled up, yousa will die and big bombastic game over for everyone!

We can't seem to get past the boss on the way out, so we're going to have to run around and have random battles with weaker monsters until we're strong enough. Also, why do monsters get stronger the farther we get from home?

I can't figure out the menu's equipment system. I think I also sold something I needed at that last shop, and now I can't buy it back.

I've collected enough spiritual energy to power my Super Spirit Mech! Let's fight!

One battle later, we've defeated Kroker, but he's still lying on the ground replaying his heavy breathing cycle!

I've had enough of this. I will kill the King now and continue the quest to collect spiritual energy, only instead of using the Spirit Mech, I'll use that energy to turn the whole planet into a giant robot and fight you with it!

Aw, crap. Three more discs of THIS?

He's heading to the Ice Temple in the mountains! We can follow him, but first, we'll have to cross a scorching desert full of giant sandworms!

Why do we need to cross a desert in order to get to an ice temple?

This is my homeland, but Fierra has gotten here first and killed everyone I ever loved. Also, he took the sacred Idol and has drained it's energy already.

He also slipped through our fingers again. Fortunately, we found a Chocobo Master, and he's showing us how to catch Chocobos so we don't have to walk everywhere - even though that means we won't get as much experience as we need fighting monsters and will be screwed later on. I also just found out that Fierra is somehow my father, and now I'm faced with a dilemma as to whether I should follow in his footsteps and try taking over the world.

By the way, while we weren't looking, Fierra captured us and imprisoned us in his jungle lair. For no reason, our cell doors opened, but now we have to split up into two groups and look for the levers that will activate the bullet train to freedom.

We did it, but now we must fight a dragon on our way out while an FMV of a moving jungle plays in the background.

I know! I'll summon Satan to help us!

Your skills have improved, but I will steal away the princess now!

Crap! We'll still not strong enough to fight him! Plus he's... you know... now on the moon for some reason.

I know a scientist who can build us a spaceship that can take us to the moon where we can rescue Alaria! We can also use this airship for travelling around the world, rendering chocobos useless.

Let's call the spaceship: The Awesomeness!

The Awesomeness has now taken us to the moon. I will join you, River, as I have sworn to protect the Princess.

Natania and myself will guard the ship and explore our forbidden love while you go into Fierra's moon base. Of course, since you need three per team...

Meesa be the third fighter! Thersa be no choice, boyo!

Crap - I knew we should have leveled him up.

Curses! You're interfering with my plan to use the power of the moon to transfer all the spiritual energy out of the universe into our planet! But it's too late, the Princess has been drained and now I plan to rape her!

Don't worry, Princess! I've learned the meaning of love and that will be enough to bring you back to us!

Hurray! I'm back to normal! I love you, River! I'm going to put on my mix tape of Japanese love songs! Let's make a promise never to die! We apparently need each other too much.

You destroyed my satellite, but there's still a chance! I will go to the Forbidden Island of Crystals and use their energy crystal to complete my plan! I'd ask you to join me, son, but you've already chosen the path of righteousness, so now there's no choice but to destroy you next time we meet!

He's gotten away, but with the help of the Awesomeness, we have free roam of the world and can use this time to build up our skills and collect all the ultimate weapons!

And by forgiving myself, I can now summon Godzilla once more!

I've finally received my ultimate weapon - the Holy Mace of Truth, but it's still not as useful as River's Ultima Sword-Chucks, Bryce's Laser-Cannon Whip, and Jar Jar's Rubber Chicken.

I can cast Lvl. 4 Holy now, but it's only useful as long as Fierra's final level when we find him is a multiple of 4!

Also, meesa learn random lesson about friendship, boyo!

Our only hope to defeat Fierra now is let him take control of the planet and then attack him when he does!

Blast! You meddling kids drove your spaceship right through my front door! But I have a surprise for you - behold the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse!

That fight was too easy. I think we wasted too much time leveling up.

You may have defeated my henchmen, but the Planet is mine now!

He's become the Planet! Use all your strongest attacks and keep curing yourselves because he keeps dropping us down to to 1 HP!

Crap! Godzilla only causes 4035 damage to him and he's got 5 million HP!

He also heals himself everytime we hurt him!

I must use ultimate Sword-Chuck technique: Frenzochecken! HEEE-YAAAA!!!

Holy smokes! You totally wasted him making all of our training useless!

Wait! Fierra is dead, but it's not over!

Remember me? From the beginning? I am Oblivion and I was behind this from the beginning!

Oh, yeah - you were there for, like - two seconds.

That's right, and because I seek to destroy everything for the heck of it, I will finish my job here!

Frenzochecken!!!!!

Ergh... egh... bleh... dead.

You did it! Now we can watch the cool full-motion video of us escaping from the island as it caves in on us!

I must stay behind to save you all! It's the only way!

That doesn't make much sense, but okay.

Crap. I knew we shouldn't have promised eachother we wouldn't die.

Good news! I'm back to normal, and I'll help everyone rebuild while the credits play for fifteen minutes!

Well, this is a pretty crappy ending. River's dead and the bad guy is nice. WTF?

River's not dead. Or is he?

I smell a second-rate sequel or a straight-to-home-video movie where all the chicks dress in tight leather and giggle a lot!

Whoops!

Heh, heh. Jar Jar slipped on a banana peel. But was he injured?

Darn open-ended ending!

	Hi, my name's RIVER. I'm a dashing young fighter who is the master of a VERY COOL WEAPON: Sword-Chucks. Right now, I'm trying to repress some bad memories of something bad that happened to me, as well as some very important things I forgot about myself, but no time to worry about that now - it's HAPPY FIESTA DAY today in the land of Erronia and I'm going to participate in a tournament!
	Not if I have anything to say about it!
	Hey! Why are all these innocent people dying?!?
	I am the EVIL KING KROKER! Give me your princess or I will destroy your village with my MACHINES! Bwahahaha!!! Also, this is my loyal henchman, FIERRA.
	Pft. Loyal. I am Fierra, Kroker's very effeminate henchman. Everyone knows that before Disc 1 is over, I will betray my King and carry on with my own personal evil agenda. But for now, I'll just stay quiet. Also, it's no secret that I'm gay, but just to confuse people later, I'll try to marry/rape the princess first chance I get.
	River, I am BRYCE, a spy/assassin/thief/antisocialite who knows more about what's going on than you do. We must fight together and get the princess out here!
	I am PRINCESS ALARIA! My attack power is low and I only have curative magic - but nevertheless, I will be a regular member of your party. Also, I hate you, River.
	I hate you too, Princess. I hope that by Disc 3, we don't somehow fall in love.
	I am BAULDER. Being a minority in a land of white heroes also makes me the toughest guy on the team, but I will protect the princess and travel with you anyways. At least, until all the sub-quests have been finished and you find out that my ultimate weapon is nowhere near as good as everyone else's.
	King Kroker seeks to use the Princess' magic to fuel his new Spirit Mech - a weapon of mass destruction that shoots lasers, but we could probably fight it hand-to-hand if we spend 60 hours leveling up our skills. Also, I think we should mention at this point that this game has no cheat codes other than some stupid trick about tying an elastic band to a controller and leaving it to fight weak monsters overnight.
	But first, the game needs to lead us to a few key locations that seem relevant to the plot, but are only essential in equipping us with new team members.
	The princess is hungry. We must go to McDonald's.
	Welcome to McDonalds. I am Natania, a Black Mage Summoner of Demons, and another female character so that the team is more balanced in genders. I was banished from my homeland and have not gotten over the loss of my family after I summoned a Demon that sat on them. As a result, I can still summon Demons, but not the Ultimate Demon. Hopefully, near the end of the game, I will finally get over my personal issues and be able to summon it once more. I'm also here because the team needs a character with large breasts and tight-fitting clothes whom video game nerds can draw hentai cartoons about and distribute them via their file-sharing networks. But who cares about that? May I take your order?
	We're going to upgrade our team with better weapons - even though we'll probably be able to get the same weapons for free if we wander around a little more and search random treasure chests. Also, we want you to join our team.
	Fair enough, but we'll have to fight a boss before we leave. Fortunately, the boss is having his smoke break right now, so let's just walk out.
	Kroker plans to attack the underwater kingdom of Mercann in his search for more spiritual energy. Let's go warn them.
	It's too late! Kroker got here first! Fortunately, the king wants to send his best warrior with us on our quest to save the world!
	Meesa Jar Jar Binks! Meesa da random non-people character and comic relief! Meesa probably be not used on team much, so meesa not be leveled up too much! But meesa know at one point, yousa will have to use me in a fight, and because meesa is not leveled up, yousa will die and big bombastic game over for everyone!
	We can't seem to get past the boss on the way out, so we're going to have to run around and have random battles with weaker monsters until we're strong enough. Also, why do monsters get stronger the farther we get from home?
	I can't figure out the menu's equipment system. I think I also sold something I needed at that last shop, and now I can't buy it back.
	I've collected enough spiritual energy to power my Super Spirit Mech! Let's fight!
	One battle later, we've defeated Kroker, but he's still lying on the ground replaying his heavy breathing cycle!
	I've had enough of this. I will kill the King now and continue the quest to collect spiritual energy, only instead of using the Spirit Mech, I'll use that energy to turn the whole planet into a giant robot and fight you with it!
	Aw, crap. Three more discs of THIS?
	He's heading to the Ice Temple in the mountains! We can follow him, but first, we'll have to cross a scorching desert full of giant sandworms!
	Why do we need to cross a desert in order to get to an ice temple?
	This is my homeland, but Fierra has gotten here first and killed everyone I ever loved. Also, he took the sacred Idol and has drained it's energy already.
	He also slipped through our fingers again. Fortunately, we found a Chocobo Master, and he's showing us how to catch Chocobos so we don't have to walk everywhere - even though that means we won't get as much experience as we need fighting monsters and will be screwed later on. I also just found out that Fierra is somehow my father, and now I'm faced with a dilemma as to whether I should follow in his footsteps and try taking over the world.
	By the way, while we weren't looking, Fierra captured us and imprisoned us in his jungle lair. For no reason, our cell doors opened, but now we have to split up into two groups and look for the levers that will activate the bullet train to freedom.
	We did it, but now we must fight a dragon on our way out while an FMV of a moving jungle plays in the background.
	I know! I'll summon Satan to help us!
	Your skills have improved, but I will steal away the princess now!
	Crap! We'll still not strong enough to fight him! Plus he's... you know... now on the moon for some reason.
	I know a scientist who can build us a spaceship that can take us to the moon where we can rescue Alaria! We can also use this airship for travelling around the world, rendering chocobos useless.
	Let's call the spaceship: The Awesomeness!
	The Awesomeness has now taken us to the moon. I will join you, River, as I have sworn to protect the Princess.
	Natania and myself will guard the ship and explore our forbidden love while you go into Fierra's moon base. Of course, since you need three per team...
	Meesa be the third fighter! Thersa be no choice, boyo!
	Crap - I knew we should have leveled him up.
	Curses! You're interfering with my plan to use the power of the moon to transfer all the spiritual energy out of the universe into our planet! But it's too late, the Princess has been drained and now I plan to rape her!
	Don't worry, Princess! I've learned the meaning of love and that will be enough to bring you back to us!
	Hurray! I'm back to normal! I love you, River! I'm going to put on my mix tape of Japanese love songs! Let's make a promise never to die! We apparently need each other too much.
	You destroyed my satellite, but there's still a chance! I will go to the Forbidden Island of Crystals and use their energy crystal to complete my plan! I'd ask you to join me, son, but you've already chosen the path of righteousness, so now there's no choice but to destroy you next time we meet!
	He's gotten away, but with the help of the Awesomeness, we have free roam of the world and can use this time to build up our skills and collect all the ultimate weapons!
	And by forgiving myself, I can now summon Godzilla once more!
	I've finally received my ultimate weapon - the Holy Mace of Truth, but it's still not as useful as River's Ultima Sword-Chucks, Bryce's Laser-Cannon Whip, and Jar Jar's Rubber Chicken.
	I can cast Lvl. 4 Holy now, but it's only useful as long as Fierra's final level when we find him is a multiple of 4!
	Also, meesa learn random lesson about friendship, boyo!
	Our only hope to defeat Fierra now is let him take control of the planet and then attack him when he does!
	Blast! You meddling kids drove your spaceship right through my front door! But I have a surprise for you - behold the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse!
	That fight was too easy. I think we wasted too much time leveling up.
	You may have defeated my henchmen, but the Planet is mine now!
	He's become the Planet! Use all your strongest attacks and keep curing yourselves because he keeps dropping us down to to 1 HP!
	Crap! Godzilla only causes 4035 damage to him and he's got 5 million HP!
	He also heals himself everytime we hurt him!
	I must use ultimate Sword-Chuck technique: Frenzochecken! HEEE-YAAAA!!!
	Holy smokes! You totally wasted him making all of our training useless!
	Wait! Fierra is dead, but it's not over!
	Remember me? From the beginning? I am Oblivion and I was behind this from the beginning!
	Oh, yeah - you were there for, like - two seconds.
	That's right, and because I seek to destroy everything for the heck of it, I will finish my job here!
	Frenzochecken!!!!!
	Ergh... egh... bleh... dead.
	You did it! Now we can watch the cool full-motion video of us escaping from the island as it caves in on us!
	I must stay behind to save you all! It's the only way!
	That doesn't make much sense, but okay.
	Crap. I knew we shouldn't have promised eachother we wouldn't die.
	Good news! I'm back to normal, and I'll help everyone rebuild while the credits play for fifteen minutes!
	Well, this is a pretty crappy ending. River's dead and the bad guy is nice. WTF?
	River's not dead. Or is he?
	I smell a second-rate sequel or a straight-to-home-video movie where all the chicks dress in tight leather and giggle a lot!
	Whoops!
	Heh, heh. Jar Jar slipped on a banana peel. But was he injured?
	Darn open-ended ending!

The Ultimate Final Fantasy Game

THE END!