It's not the most sexist game ever! Really!

My previous review of every Final Fantasy game was written under the impression that every Final Fantasy game was exactly the same in terms of plot, characters, and all that crap. Had I played "Final Fantasy X-2" before writing that review, I would've called it a review of "Every Final Fantasy Game Except X-2" because X-2 is unquestionably one of the greatest games ever made, just like everything else I review. Except Myst. And it's not because the only playable characters are three bikini-clad babes who dance around and have catfights in hot tubs. I appreciate this game for it's intellectual insight on the human psyche, and for it's incredible attention to details on the models and backgrounds. And also because there's three bikini-clad babes who dance around and have catfights in hot tubs.

"X-2" is a follow-up to "X" and is not only the first "Final Fantasy" game to be an official sequel, but also the first of the series to generate a loud buzz behind it being "sexist" and "discriminatory against women." Unlike the first game, this one (supposedly) uses female stereotypes to shape the gameplay and story. Such examples would be, for example, the idea that the girls can power up by changing into different outfits via dresspheres, or accessorize with jewelry and perfume to raise their strengths and defenses. In other scenarios, the girls show off their stuff by singing and dancing to Japanese pop songs in an effort to boost morale amongst the group. My personal favorite is the claim that there is an unnecessary scene in this game where the girls strip down to their bikinis and have a catfight in a hot tub when it clearly isn't unnecessary. Most of the people who say that, of course, are WOMEN. As a male, I fully disagree with these statements. This game is one of the most character accurate games ever made, and I intend to prove it.

Women do change outfits and accessorize for extra power. You see it everyday. They think it's tacky to walk around in a T-shirt and jeans, and therefore will pretty themselves up for public with fancy clothes and make-up. As a result, it raises the stats on their confidence and appearance. It only makes sense that in the magical world of FF, dresses can do the same thing, only this time around, it raises the stats on how much blood they can knock out of a puppy with one gunshot. And it's not like dresses they wear are sexist either. There is huge variety of dresspheres that allow the girls to take on new abilities and fighting techniques such as a bikini-clad gunner, a bikini-clad thief, a bikini-clad warrior, a bikini-clad samurai, a bikini-clad mage, a bikini-clad alchemist, and even a bikini-clad dark knight. And everybody knows that most women can wear bikinis. My personal favorite is the Night-Out Dressphere which allows the girls to transform into a night- on-the-town evening attire. Unfortunately, most people don't have the patience necessary to view this sphere since every transformation takes about three hours while they go upstairs and change and leave you downstairs to talk with their suspicious parents. Exaggerating I am, you say? Then why does the game come with an option to set change times from LONG, to MEDIUM, to OFF? Ha! Score 1 for me!

And what's an epic adventure about the fate of a world's people without a little pop number to carry the story? We rejoin our lead character, Yuna, the former summoner and savior of a nation as she's taken on the role of pop star in the kingdom of Spira. She joins a group of Neo-Nazis called the "Gullwings," and with her cousin Rikku, and her professional masseuse, Payne, they travel around the world collecting sphere recordings in an effort to piece together a history no one apprently wrote about. Meanwhile, ever since she defeated the evil monster called 'Sin' in the last game, people have been edgy around Spira and ended up beating the crap out of each other to fill the missing void in their lives. To make matters worse, everyone's favorite boy band goes missing and everyone freaks out. That's when her Nazi leader comes up with the ingenius plan to save the world by having Yuna put on a big concert and restoring order to the masses. Of course, he didn't think she'd actually do it. He was just trying to get into her pants at the time. But that's what they do, and it works. Thanks to the soul of an ancient pop singer that's trapped inside her dress, Yuna is able to transform into a Lvl. 99 Pop Singer herself and restore peace and order to the world. Hilary Duff later on shows up and holds a concert of her own, thus disrupting that balance and unleashing the Vegnagun monster upon the world. Everyone looks to Britney Spears for advice, but all she can say is "I think Vegnagun is a bad thing." Soon, everyone figures out that maybe they shouldn't rely on pop singers to influence their beliefs and politics, but it's too late and Yuna has already saved the world yet again. The game ends with Jessica Simpson doing a cover of Yuna's song. A plot this complicated or stupid can't possibly be considered sexist, otherwise you're calling women in general complicated and stupid, and thus proving that everything in this game is based on fact. Caught ya in a catch-22, didn't I? Score 2 for the Lazster!

Now it comes down to the special events - moments in the game that (suggestively) suggest that the whole purpose of the game is to act all girly-girly just because you're a girl. These are the moments that stand out as something that would make you think this game was all about the exploitation of women in order to boost sales amongst the male audience. This would make sense considering that statistics say 51% of all gamers are actually female, and since men obviously don't like women to lead the numbers, they might stoop to something this low. But of course, women accept this as an inevitability and blow things way out of proportion, such as when Yuna gives her foe LeBlanc a back massage - it's not designed to drive male hormones wild while they listen to a woman making sensual noises as her pleasure rating goes up - not a chance. It was designed as a brilliant ploy to get the main character into a position where she could break her enemy's spine and put her to sleep. Or in several scenes where the Nazi leader, Brother, repeatedly demands Yuna dances for him because he wants to gaze lustfully at her while she jumps around in a skimpy outfit - not sexist at all - Brother is actually very appreciative of the female form and likes to be reminded of how much beauty there is in the world sometimes. He's an artiste, not a facist pervert. And finally - oh, yes, your classic BIKINI CATFIGHT IN THE HOT TUB. In their search to steal an enemy uniform, the Gullwings happen upon a sacred hot springs where they decide that since no one's looking, they can disrobe in order to cleanse themselves in holy water to purify their bodies of sin, and then engage in a short sparring match to test their skills now that they have been blessed by the holy spirit. So many people take this scene the wrong way sometimes. What's wrong with you people?

So ignore the whole idea that this game is "sexist." Ignore the fact that you're not allowed to drive anything in this game. Ignore the fact that men while always hire you to do menial work while they're run the businesses. Ignore the wide variety of shoes these girls wear. Ignore the urge to reach into the TV screen and snap Rikku's thong for every close-up they show of it. Ignore Yuna when she starts giggling mid-game, hits Payne with a pillow, and then collapses on the floor blooper-style laughing "Oh, my God - this game is so sexist!" Throw your discriminating mind aside and enjoy a wonderful game. It's not the most sexist game ever - really! Every body knows Double Dragon is (duh!) I, personally, am looking forward to a "Final Fantasy XXX" (that would be X-3.) This is Lazlo Enrico, signing out.