Okay. See ya later, Tom.
The major downside of this whole game are some of the characters they will throw at you. With the introduction of each character, they throw in some kind of epic comic-book-style origin story making you think "Oh, cool! I can't wait to try this guy out!" So you work hard trying NOT to break down buildings or club children with lampposts so you can build up enough prestige points to buy this character. Finally, your hard-earned money goes to waste when you discover that this particular character is better off used as a decoy than a fighter. And not one of those decoys where they run really fast to lure away the bad guys - I'm talking "suicide mission." Unfortunately, there are some missions where one of the objectives is to keep the idiot alive.
This is why I have decided to offer you a character guide to "Freedom Force." With this guide, you'll no longer pick crappy fighters on the toughest missions just for a chance to "try them out." Let us begin.
 MINUTE MAN: No - this guy can't shift time or anything. He's actually a colonial-style minuteman. This is what happens when you mix historical statues with deadly radiation, I guess. He doesn't quite make clear what his powers are. He hits stuff with his stick, he's super strong, and he can jump onto buildings. Still, it's probably a good idea to keep him on every mission when possible. Plus, it's hilarious to watch him demolish families' homes while shouting phrases like "For Justice!" and "Right makes Might!" |
 MENTOR: He's the second guy you get in the game. He's one of those "tactical" fighters. Instead of running in and smashing the building to pieces, he'll first try to coerce the building into beating up the other buildings, and then make the building blind so it doesn't see Minute Man coming in to smash it. But since psychic powers don't work on buildings, this guy is a weak waste of time. And he freaks me out. |
 EL DIABLO: In Hollywood, the combination of being a minority group, a gang member, and a sidekick means that this character can be as wacky as he wants and occasionally hit on the female members of the team - but only as long as he speaks every second or third word in his native tongue (very similar to the Super Friends' El Dorado - see Seanbaby's site - http://www.seanbaby.com/superfriends/eldorado.htm) Otherwise, this guy's a good fighter, he shoots fire, AND he can fly! Ay chihuahua!!! |
 MAN-BOT: Apparently, this game couldn't be possible without a character named "Man-Bot." Aside from sounding like a woman's sex toy, Man-Bot has no really descriptive powers. Sometimes he explodes, but when he's not exploding, he's shooting lasers or punching things. And then he spends the entire game trying to understand the meaning of friendship and love or something like that. He never really explains his powers comprehensibly. And he's slow. REALLY slow. He's usually a good fighter, but only if you buy him a jetpack. Otherwise, if the city is being attacked by giant ants, you'll have to do a lot of waiting for him to get off his couch and "rush" to the scene of the attack. |
 MAN 'O WAR: Here's the first guy you can actually buy. He's Poseidon meets Sean Connery with the amazing ability to "swim through the air," and shoot lightning and water blasts at his enemies. In fact, he's not such a bad character at all. He's adapted nicely to the fact that he's half-fish. Most people would probably go into exile and fashion themselves a mask made from the bones of their former human shell. This guy chooses to stalk petty thugs in the night without covering up the fact that he's covered in scales and has a giant fin sticking out of his head. You'd think his sidekick would be the Loch Ness monster or the incredible Bat-Boy - but no, we have this idiot -> |
 SEA URCHIN: For some reason, she costs a lot more to buy than Man 'O War, but sucks worse than a vampire with dentures. Her powers are pretty much the same, except that instead of "swimming through air," she dogpaddles, instead of shooting water blast cannons, she throws bubbles, and instead of frying her nemesis with a murder of lightning bolts, she rubs her feet on the carpet and then unleashes the unimpressive fury of static electricity on anyone she can get close enough to. I got pissed off and decided she would best be used as an aforementioned "decoy" for certain levels. While the game doesn't contain customized dialogue, I think they would say something like this for that kind of situation. |
MINUTEMAN: Great Washington's Ghost! Those giant dinosaurs are eating the museum! Our only hope is to distract them while someone else sneaks up behind them!
MAN 'O WAR: Sea Urchin! Get in there!
SEA URCHIN: What?! No way! F*%k you!
EL DIABLO: Do it or I'll deep-fry you myself, senorita-fishy!
SEA URCHIN: (F*^king super-@$$holes.)
MINUTEMAN: I heard that!
Just so you know, my plan failed. And Sea Urchin did not survive.
|
 ALCHEMISS: She wouldn't be such a bad fighter if she didn't start off with those crappy psychic - sorry - MAGIC powers like Mentor. When you get the better powers, she can lift enemies into the air and throw them away. But not buildings. So it would be better if you upgraded her first before bothering to use her in any of the tougher missions. Unfortunately, she is needed in a few "portal-closing" missions. "ALCHEMISS MUST SURVIVE!" I hate it when games say something like that. If it didn't end the mission instantly, I'd do the job myself. Alchemiss is a stupid name anyway (it's a pun on the word "alchemist," get it? IT'S SUPPOSED TO AN IN-JOKE, DARN IT!) |
  LIBERTY LAD: This kid's origin began back when he was a little brat following around Minute Man on his adventures until one day he decided to take a bullet for Minute Man. Yes. A bullet. This kid figured it was really important to take a bullet for a bulletproof man. As a result, he was rushed to the hospital where Minute Man gave him a blood transfusion transforming him into Liberty Lad. He pretty much has the same powers now. He punches a lot. But not as effectively as Minute Man. And it takes a lot longer for the buildings to fall. Better off used for decoy detail. Where are this kid's parents anyway? (PICTURE ON RIGHT: Liberty Lad gives us an amazing display as to the extent of his incredible liberty powers!) |
 THE ANT: A long time ago, Stan Lee looked up at a spider crawling on a wall and shooting webs and thought "hey! That would be a cool super power!" Today, someone else looked at an ant digging into the ground and for some reason...thought the same thing. His powers are digging, shooting acid, climbing walls, and shoving. In some cases, though, these powers are useful, so he's not so bad either. But it does make for several bad ant puns (you can fill in the blanks.) |
 MICROWAVE: Another 'M' name. That's five people so far. Just like Man-Bot, this guy is slow - and cannot be upgraded to move faster. You know, this one time I stuck a cat in the microwave. Needless to say, the cat exploded, and that stick of TNT I rammed in it's gullet beforehand didn't make the situation any easier to clean up afterwards. For the next five hours, I was scraping cat off of every piece of kitchen. In that time, Microwave would only be halfway to the crime, giving me more than enough to blow up another cat. |
 BULLET: This is one guy worth saving up for to buy. Despite his vibrator-shaped head, this redneck's super speed mixed in with his ability to throw phone booths at elderly gentlemen makes him one of the better characters to have on a team. In fact, here's the run-down for the best possible team you can have (not including custom characters): Minute Man, El Diablo, Bullet, and either Man-bot (when he can fly,) or Man 'O War (and if you didn't buy Man 'O War, go with the Ant.) Everybody else can kiss my hairy little butt. |
 EVE: Based on her origin video, her powers include wearing a green mini-skirt and shooting a bow and arrow. In the game, she does other stuff like command plants to do her bidding, but they don't really emphasize on that. Instead, they show us how she rescues a lady's purse from being stolen by shooting it out of the burglar's hands with an arrow. Please note that the arrow went THROUGH the purse and planted it on a tree. So not only does the old lady have her purse back, everything in it now has a nice arrow-shaped hole in it. That's the extent of her usefulness really. Sorry to disappoint you. |
  LAW AND ORDER: Her power is transforming into a big black guy with a hammer. His power is transforming into a blonde hottie with a sword. I know a prostitute with the exact same superpowers! I never used these guys much. I kept playing around with their gender-shifting powers so much, I kept wasting all their energy trying to determine which one was worth keeping. I never found an answer. |
| ULTRADUDEY: There's no picture because this is my custom character. I created him using one of the game's features. He's faster than Bullet, stronger than Minute Man, and his powers include shooting nuclear missiles out of his hands and harnessing the element of lightning and arcane rituals. He also regenerates, so he never dies. His only problem is that he costs a lot of money to import into the real game so I've only played him in the custom testing grounds. That sucks. Otherwise, he smashes in buildings pretty good. |
And that's the run-down on all the characters! Overall, I give "Freedom Force" 4 out of 5 chicken nuggets (chicken nuggets are now the official rating units here at the Wonderful World of Useless Junk.) I took one nugget away because of Sea Urchin and Liberty Lad though. My comatose grandma has better powers than these two combined. Otherwise, happy crime-fighting, and don't forget to spay and neuter Bob Barker! Good night, everyone!
Justice has a new name in this superhero-themed, action-packed, RPG-adventure from some company whose name I can't remember. Packed to the brim with more comic book nonsense, witty reparte, and bad puns than you can shake a stick at (this is assuming that all the aforementioned should mutate into a gigantic slime monster and devour your stick,) "Freedom Force" is one of the best new titles of last year. Or the year before. I don't know when it came out. I just bought it at Wal-Mart for $15 dollars.
"I'm leaving."
So here's idea: you lead a team of superheroes (a team of four in each level,) each with their own unique set of powers, as they attempt to defeat random supervillians that attack the town of Patriot City. And here's what will keep you playing: you can pick up taxi cabs, jump onto the top of buildings, and drop them on old ladies passing by! And once everyone is dead, you can take your mighty sword (or stick) and beat the crap out of buildings until they collapse from your mighty strength (usually, you can topple a skyscraper in three punches!) And even better: the cops will not stop you. In fact, if there isn't a villain present in the vicinity, they'll probably keep their gun holstered and quietly watch you play 9-11 with every morsel of human life in the city. And the best part: you can still win the game doing this. You simply lose special points which allow you recruit super-idiots later on. I'll explain.