I was lucky enough to get a copy of Halo for Christmas and so far, I've really enjoyed it. Not too many people are fans of the one-player story mode since all the maps gets repetitive, but I really liked the simple interface and combat system. But I'm going to review what everybody likes: the multi-player mode. By simply logging on to the net, you can play against 15 other soldiers in various Halo battlegrounds. It's obvious that if I give this a bad review, millions will descend upon me like a swarm of flies upon a dead baby so I'm just going to avoid reviewing the game, and just explain what the game is like to those who don't understand the hype and let them decide for themselves if it's worth it.
First, we'll familiarize ourselves with the kinds of people you will meet playing multi-player mode...
 The n00b: Your average n00b can easily be identified by their lack of proper grammar when writing messages. They are mostly harmless, but should be dispatched of ASAP since they're more likely to suicide bomb you by accident. A n00b is very unfamiliar with it's territory, along with the concept of hiding spots, and can often be seen in wide open areas. Any weapon will work fine against a n00b, but it's a lot more satisfying to just beat them in the back of the head with the butt of your gun and carry on. |
 The Soldier: Your classic soldier will follow by the game rules. They will organize strategies, guard the flag with their life, and never stray from their given parameters. If you try to goof around, they will scold you. They're either not very good at fighting or well-experienced, but strongly believe "we should work as a team." They usually say this right before I plant a rocket in their face at point blank range and die laughing. |
 The Hacker: Hackers are easy to spot. Their character will either be dressed in black leather with sunglasses, or in something along the lines of colorful spandex. Their weapons of choice are lightsabers, adamantium claws, and nuclear microwave beams. They're very difficult to kill since they can easily take to the skies with their jetpacks or use their web-slinging powers to escape to the safety of the ceiling and walls. Should you ever encounter a hacker, do not attempt to piss him off. Instead, compliment him or her on their programming ability and proceed to blowing yourself up for their amusement. |
 The Homophobe: The way to identify them is to simply kill them and wait for their response, which is usually along the lines of "you are soooo gay." In fact, in spite of their dislike for homosexuals, they cannot go more than one sentence before bringing them up again. Such people may possibly live in a trailer parks, travel in gangs of four, usually get beaten up by gangs of two, and have mullets. They always have mullets. Or at least want to. They have a one track mind. |
 The Veteran: Veterans are efficient, ruthless, and very dangerous. Having played the game since before it hit shelves, they've developed supernatural gaming abilities. They can blow a tank to smithereens with one shot of their handgun without even aiming at it. Bullets and lasers bounce off their bodies and straight back at your head. There's no use in running, since they have the ability to stop time, walk up to your fleeing behind, and break your spine while you're in mid-stride. Their weapon of choice is the sniper rifle which they enjoy using in fast-moving close-combat scenarios. They are invincible. You cannot defeat them. Ever. End of story. |
 Sgt. Chaos: The best player ever. Instead of trying to win, Sgt. Chaos will instead opt to hop into the nearest Warthog and experiment with running over different kinds of things. Sgt. Chaos will also try to organize peace rallies in the game and run around trying to play leap frog with the other characters. On the occasions when they do kill, they will only do it out of love and for the sake of comedy. Every day is Fun Day with a Sgt. Chaos around!
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 The Pistol: This a tribute to a weapon you will completely forget about after you start picking up these following weapons. The handgun is actually pretty good and can kill your basic enemy in no less than two hits when aimed properly. Keep that in mind as you read on. |
 The Assault Rifle: |
Your classic sci-fi machine gun. Much like in "Starship Troopers," you can fire a million shots from one of these and still not kill anything. Yet you'll always pick it over the handgun for some reason.
 The Plasma Pistol: Let's call this the Enema Gun. Unlike weapons that fire bullets, these things fire lasers that move slow enough for you to dodge and do very little damage. They can also burn your hand if used for an extented period of time. You need weapons such as this like you need diarrhea to clear your bowels, hence the name. |
 The Plasma Rifle: Another version of the plasma pistol, except it burns your hand a lot more and doesn't really hurt the other players since they can easily walk around the hundreds of charges you fire at a time. |
 The Needler: This wouldn't be so bad if you weren't able to run ahead of your fired ammo. And if you didn't need to get within five feet of your target just to shoot them. On the bright side, it looks like an
evil porcupine. |
 The Shotgun: Whenever the dead start walking around in any game, a shotgun immediately becomes available. It's a groovy weapon, but you'll be screaming for a chainsaw to go with it after a few minutes of constantly reloading the sucker. Still, this is probably your best choice for any scenario. |
 The Sniper Rifle: AAHH!!! SNIPER RIFLES!!! KILL DUSTIN!!! KILL!!! |
 The Rocket Launcher: This is the weapon you want in every game: when you fire it, everything dies. Everyone else takes off their pants and throws them to you since you'll be the one wearing them until you run out of ammo. Wait a second - you only get TWO rockets to go with that? And it takes ten minutes to reload? Screw that. The enema gun doesn't look so bad after all. |
 The Fuel Rod Cannon: Everyone talks about these, but I never found them, so I can only assume Hackers use these. UPDATE: Found one. |
 The Flamethrower: One time, at 3D camp, we were playing "Alien vs Predator," and I decided it would be funny if I re-entered a game against my friends as a marine with a flame-thrower. Adam saw me and starting shooting and that's when I jumped off the building, firing my flame-thrower at him, and setting myself on fire in the process. And Adam started screaming "F##K! Who's jumping around with a flame-thrower?!?" from across the room on his computer as he watched me fall and burn, and I was laughing like an insane maniac - it was so funny! |
 The Warthog In my experience, this jeep is the real star of the game. Whether you're facing a wall of snipers or an army of Scorpion tanks, you have nothing to fear. Just hop in your Warthog, floor it, and unleash Hell. Sure, the snipers can pick you off through the windshield from a mile away, and those tanks sustain no damage from the Warthog whatsoever, but remember one thing: you are driving a frikkin' Warthog and that is awesome in itself. So have fun. |
 The Ghost This is flying purple bike that can do some pretty awesome spins if you go off a ramp at the right speed and angle. Plus, with a few add-ons, it could double as a lawnmover or a pretty sweet go-kart. |
 The Banshee This is a flying thing that can't shoot worth a darn unless you're the computer and you're using your magic binary powers to keep track of trajectory, gravity, enertia, and enemy movement all at the same time. |
 The Scorpion TANKS!!! This is an awesome vehicle. Aside from firing missiles and running over poor woodland animals, it can also allow your friends to hop on the sides and call shotgun. Of course, tanks are easy to spot and become primary targets, but that's okay, because you're STILL driving a tank, and much like the Warthog, this is cool. |