Somewhere in the eighties, Sierra On-Line released what just might be the single greatest gaming experience the world has ever seen. King's Quest 2 was developed by Roberta Williams, (creator of King's Quest 1 and Some Other Game) and takes us back to the world of the cracker-king, Graham, as he whines for a wife. Naturally, a king would have no problems getting chicks, but as fate would have it, nothing wants Graham to reproduce with other women. Graham deals with everything from vampires to *gasp* lions on his quest to free some chick from a Crystal Tower. Of course, Graham laughs in the face of danger. Look at that smug yellow face as he bows to you on the title screen. Nothing like a little common courtesy before a wolf tears you to shreds.
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King's Quest 2 was originally packaged in two different boxes. I'm assuming the one on the left was the original silver edition, and the other is the collectably rare GOLD expansion pack (now with more cruelty to animals!) These boxes rock. You can slide the covers off vertically and wear them as shoes - one silver, one gold. That's just one of the many exciting features of King's Quest 2. It's fashionable. | |
You begin the game with zero points on a lovely beach. That little sprite on the right of the screen is you. The positioning is very well done since it gives the gamer the impression that something is about to leap up from the ocean and gobble him up if he walks towards it. That never happens however. If you walk into the ocean, he'll either drown or swim. If he swims, you have a chance of making it back to shore. If he drowns, your chances slim down a little.
But forget the water for a second: where's his army? He's wandering into potential hostile territory. No wonder this little guy gets into so much trouble. If he had an army by his side, NOTHING would try to attack him. But no, he decides against it. Armed with whatever he finds in his pockets, he can handle anything that comes at him. He didn't even bring food and water! He could probably eat the grass if he's desperate, but there's nothing but salt water around and a poisonous lake to boot. Then again, he could always drink out of the holy water at the church, but that would probably deny him entrance to Heaven when he dies later on in the game.
One of the puzzles in the game requires you to map out how many times you cross a bridge. If you cross it more than seven times, it breaks without any warning and you plummet to your death. Can you imagine how reports of his death would come back to his homeland? "The King is dead! He crossed a perfectly stable bridge more than seven times and then fell 
off!" If Graham spent more time watching what's going on above and below him and not just what's in his direct line-of-sight, accidents like this could be avoided. I'm surprised he doesn't break his nose everytime he hits a wall. But keep in mind that this guy can't get any chicks without going through Hell - he's probably suicidal.
What gets me about this land he's in is that he can die ANYWHERE. However, a little old grandma lives in the middle of the woods, plus there's Little Red Riding Hood skipping through the witch-infested forest. Nothing happens to either of them throughout the game, which is enough to suggest that they are toting pump-action life insurance. Then I noticed something. Sometimes when you go in Grandma's house, the wolf has replaced her and comes after you; later on, Grandma is back in bed as if nothing happened. The only thing this could mean is that Grandma and the Wolf are playing the ol' switcheroo everytime you leave the room! Even little old ladies are conspiring against you, Graham! Isn't this the most frikkin' awesome game?!
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The picture to your left is a little unclear, but if you take a Bat-Image Debuggulator and run it through the Bat-SpectraAnalyser, you'll be surprised to see that what is coming out of Hagatha's cave is none other than the Batmobile. This is enough to suggest that Hagatha's been having some torrid affair with Adam West. That's hard to believe since even Graham can't have an affair with her without going into a conniption fit (type KISS WITCH around Hagatha to see what I mean.) Then again, Graham's no Batman. He's just Graham. |
It's sad that they just don't make games like this anymore. Maybe if everybody hadn't gone and buried their copies in the sandbox back in the early eighties, we'd be still seeing a lot of support for masterpieces like this today. Anyhow, King's Quest II: Romancing The Throne is still of the one greatest things to happen to my PC since Internet porn and I highly recommend it to anyone who likes watching little yellow people get molested by elves.
Romancing The Throne? I get it now! Ha-ha-ha! It's like that movie Romancing the Stone, except with a Throne instead! Ha-ha-ha! Very funny! Very, very funny! *sigh* Roberta, why did you ever quit your day job at the comedy club? And here I thought Romancing the Throne was something Graham did to overcome his loneliness on cold nights in the castle. Oh, well. Live and learn.
A lion?!? A LION?!? I go through this big and scary land and when I finally reach the maiden's tower, all that stands between me and true love is a LION?!? But not just ANY lion - it's a HUNGRY lion! AND IT'S CHAINED TO THE WALL!!!! AAAAAAHHHH!!!! No, I'm not taking this seriously. And you know why, Mr. King Graham?!?
This lion is a wussy! All it takes to defeat it is one hit of ham or a swing of a sword! King Graham could kill this thing with a stick if he had to - but that says very little since Graham can't even kick a foot-tall elf in the nuts without losing treasure!
I would gladly challenge King Graham to a battle to the death, but if this whiney little lion can take him, anybody can. That's why I'm pitting King Graham in all-out match against: THE WHEEL-OF-WUSSIES! That's right! With one turn of the wheel, Graham's opponent will be chosen and the two will go head-to-head in my personal arena of death!
AND THE OPPONENT IS....
KILL HIM, GRAHAM! KILL HIM!
*Graham lunges at Richie Rich's throat!*
*Unfortunately, Graham has nothing in his pockets to strangle him with and Richie Rich slips through his pixely hands.*
*Richie Rich hides in his invisible suitcase*
*Graham looks suspiciously around for the poor little rich kid*
*Richie Rich pokes his head out of the suitcase!*
GRAHAM: "G-G-G-Ghost!!!!"
*Richie starts laughing!*
*Graham is pissed! He takes Richie's bow tie and puts it in his pocket!*
*Richie gets in his Richie-Copter and tries to hack up Graham with the propellor blades!*
*Graham jumps in the ocean and saves his game!*
*Richie is distracted by two bungling burglars trying to pick his pocket!*
*Graham drowns because he forgot to swim!*
*Richie throws a tea party to celebrate with his friends!*
*The teapots all have dollar signs on them!*
*Graham restores his game and sics his lion on them all!*
*The lion devours everyone including Graham!*