My Adventures on Myst Island

An Exclusive by Lazlo Enrico

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Okay, the letters all seem to be in the same place I left them.

In case you haven't noticed, I haven't updated this computer game review thingy for a while - and there is a perfectly plausible reason.

Pirates. I was kidnapped by pirates. True story.

There I was enjoying a lovely night of karaoke at the Hammer, when in the middle of singing an improv version of "The Real Slim Shady," I met a very unusual man with a business proposition. He offered me candy, lured me into his Volkswagon Beetle, and the next thing I knew, he was laughing hysterically. That's when I noticed his gold buillon stashed away in his backseat, the patch over his left eye, and...his raspberry-colored facial hair.

I spent several weeks serving as cabin boy aboard his ship (a canoe filled with firecrackers) until I got up the nerve to escape and swam to shore. That's when I discovered the worst island in existence. The Island of Myst. The following are excerpts from my journal recounting my seven days on the Myst islands...

Day 1

Ladies and gentlemen: the first circle of Hell.I awoke on the docks of Myst and was surrounded by strange new senses and emotions. My sense of sight had increased significantly, in exchange for my sense of touch. Save for my legs, all my muscles had become numb and paralyzed. I could barely touch anything and had no voice to speak with. At the moment, though, this didn't seem important since there was no one to talk to or anything to interact with. My primary concern was finding the three basic survival thingies: food, water, and a Shell station. Day 1 ended on a sad note. I found nothing except a volleyball I have chosen to name "Wilbur," because the movie "Charlotte's Web" spontaneously popped into my head when I found it.

Day 2

Oh, man...I think the trees are talking, man! Got sucked into a magic book today. I was hoping it would take me somewhere more interesting than here, but instead it brought me to an equally dull place. Now, I'm not going to say this place isn't pretty - it is, trust me - but it REALLY annoys me that I only get my motor controls back whenever I need to push a button, pull a lever, climb a ladder, or read a scorched book. Spent most of the day riding around in an underground roller coaster. Got pissed but couldn't scream. Still haven't found food.

Day 3

Three-Dimensional Madness I NEED FOOD!!! THE PEOPLE IN THE BOOKS ARE TALKING TO ME!!!! OH, GOD!!! WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?!?!? EVERYTIME I OPEN A BOOK, I EITHER GET TELEPORTED TO ANOTHER BORING ISLAND OR SOME WEIRDO TELLS ME TO COLLECT THE PAGES TO RELEASE HIM!!! AND I HATE THE ELECTRICAL SYSTEM AROUND HERE!!! I WANT A FRIKKIN' LIGHT SWITCH!!! OH, GOD!!!! HAS THOU FORSAKEN ME?!? AND WHERE'S WILBUR? WHO'S THAT AT SEA?!? WILBUR? WIIIIILBUUUUUUUR!!!!!!!!!

Day 4

A few Muppets and I could call this home... I'm...I'm better now... I still can't do much. I've been considering staking out a claim in this Ewok village and starting a new life. Tree bark seems to satisfy my hunger - not that I can feel the slivers in my tongue anyway. I'm so scared...and I'm sorry for everything...I want to apologize to momma, to poppa, to one-third of my roommates and five-twelvthes of my sibling, and...and I want to apologize to Aquaman. I'm sorry for all those things I said about you Aquaman - you aren't useless - the ocean NEEDS you! I NEED YOU! *sniff*

Day 5

And I see Jimmy, and Lulu, and Bonnie, and David, and...DOO-BEE! The plot thickens! I have stumbled onto the true purpose of the Myst islands! Whoever runs these islands is using them to store children before they ship them off to sweat shops in South America...or France...or someplace like that! I must rescue the children! But...but...BUT THERE'S NO LEVERS, BUTTONS, LADDERS, OR BOOKS IN SIGHT! Curse this lack of muscular power! There's nothing I can do for the children! *sob* Why, Myst? Why the children?! TAKE ME!!! I'VE LIVED A GOOD LIFE! CURSE YOU, MYST ISLAND!!!! So long, children...there's nothing I can do for you. Most of you will probably grow up to become crack-hitting prostitutes or smoking assembly-line workers...but there's nothing I can do about it. Because of Myst.

Day 6

The horror! One day after stepping away from the children, I discovered something else happening here on the island. Complete and total destruction of the rainforest. I could do nothing but watch as hundreds of protesters were crushed and slaughtered by the oncoming bulldozers as they tried to protect the rainforest on these islands. As the day passed on, I watched the demolition crew bury the bodies in order to dispose of any evidence. They ignored me completely because there was nothing I could do or say that would taint their plans for world-wide deforestation. Has humanity been driven to a brand new low? I'll never look at a forest the same way again...oh..the horror...the horror...

Day 7

All that stood between me and Heaven...was Myst. IT'S OFFICIAL! I HAVE DIED SEVEN DAYS AGO AT SEA AND WOUND UP IN HELL! I ran into the female cast of Baywatch today. You know what? I could only LOOK at them! Just like every other bloody thing on this island! There was nothing I could say to them (or DO to them!) Blast this lack of interface! They blankly looked at me for a moment, seeing only a gerbil in despair, and then thought nothing of me! That does it! I'm climbing up to the top of the tower and throwing myself into the oceans below! I can't go on living like this! Good-bye, cruel world!!!

A few days later, I washed up on the shores of Columbia, where I regained my sense of touch and my ability to speak. I was rescued by the very same kids I met on the island who had already been shipped here before I was. Together, we formed a revolution and overthrew the sweatshop industry, blowing the country's economy back to the stone age. Soon after, we took control of the military and conquered the surrounding countries, eliminating all deforestation projects in the process. The female cast from Baywatch was doing a photo-shoot in Brazil at the time and joined our movement, taking their rightful place as my trustworthy second-in-commands. By March, we had restored freedom to all South America and made it the most prosperous continent on the planet. I soon said my farewells to the people of the newly-named Lazlonia and returned home to the computer.

Macaroni Penguin had declared me dead back in November and had taken my stereo, darn it!

So, except for all that happened in South America, I cannot recommend Myst in the least. It's like Hell, only pretty. True story.